How do we talk to Mother about her stranglehold on my sister’s life?

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I didn't mean to sound cold about it. My situation is totally different. Your sister has to do what she has to do and unfortunately, you being the kind person that you are, wants to save your sister from pain later on. Unfortunately, you can't be responsible for her feelings, only yours, as much as you would like to be. Everybody paves their own path in life in their own way. It may sound harsh but there will come a point when your mother will not be able to relate to your sister in the same way and things will change from how they are now. The thing about dementia is that it is like a sunset. It looks a certain way one minute (one day) and then the next minute (next day) it looks slightly different. It is constantly changing and the person needs to adapt within the family. It will never be the same as it is right now. If your sister thinks it will then she is not looking at it honestly. I have been through a lot with my father-in-law and that is the advice I have. It is easier to give advice than to see your own situation sometimes. I hope that helps.
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Reply to ellie1
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Thanks for your comments. I felt like that but was feeling guilty about watching my sister sacrificing her life and doing nothing to prepare her for life ‘after’.
I agree & will just be there.
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Reply to Judpaca
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Some people need this "need to be needed role". Obviously your sisters friends weren't filling it for her. Also, maybe your sister never really separated from your mom as her own person with her own identity (as a teenager), and this has drawn her back in (I call it umbilical cord syndrome) where they are still one. Your sis will never be happy like this nor fulfilled. There is a part of her own self that is broken or missing and she is (unfairly) using your mother's illness to fill the void. Your mom will never know nor will anyone else. It all looks like random acts of kindness. But there is more to it than that. It does neither your sister nor your mom any good. They just keep spinning their own wheels and going nowhere. If I were you, I would keep my nose as far out as possible and have my own relationship with my mom. Your sister has issues. There is much you can do for your mom but you must be creative. The bookstore is a good place to start for ideas. That's what I did in a similar situation with my sister. A total yolk/egg white syndrome between my mom and sis-two peas in a pod. I headed for the hills. Consider yourself lucky to have stayed clear of it. Have a nice day
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Reply to ellie1
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If your sister does not want to be “rescued” from Mom, and it doesn’t sound like she does, there is not much you can do. They are co-dependent on each other. If Sister wants to go out and Mom insists on going along, why would Sister wait for her to slowly get dressed and then take her along? Cancelling her doctors appointments because of Mom isn’t right either.

I think Sis and Mom are like conjoined twins and you will not be able to separate them. About all you can do is support Sis as you’re already doing, but don’t interfere in her very odd relationship with Mom.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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To see if other people who are willing and able to step in can become a part of her care. For us it is frustrating we feel like we are invisible.
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Reply to Judpaca
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Meant sister is 65
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Reply to Judpaca
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Yes she is. Mom has shortness of breath from clots in lungs. Sis had accident w head injury so they both live together. Mom 85, did 65. Mom says she does not like to alone. So if sis wants do something she can’t really do much as mom keeps tabs on her, calling every few minutes when she coming back. Other siblings try to help out but this sis is the one she has latched onto. Sis accepts role but I am worried about her. She has dropped all friends her age. Caters to mom’s every whim e.g. taking her to doc for a hangnail. So much so that she is not taking care of herself. She needs to follow up with her medical care but if mom don’t feel like going she stays in. Other siblings & family members have gone to stay for weeks or several days at a time, but if that sister tries to go anywhere mom gets ready (slowly) & goes with her because she does not want to stay home alone. All this while other people are in house, including several in medical profession. Sister makes excuses for her but rest of family is concerned abiotic her withdrawal from anything that does not involve mom. She complains st times that she has no time for herself but the pattern continues.
That’s why we are thinking of explaining to mom about that hold she has on her life.
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Reply to Judpaca
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Yes, Judpaca could you say a little more about their situation please?
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Jud, is your sister your mom's caregiver?
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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