How to take driving privileges away?

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There was another thread about this last year. A poster got all snarky about disabiling the loved one's car because it wasn't their property.

Phooey! Find a wire and giggle it loose. Or "misplace" your dads keys. Anything to keep him off the road so he doesn't kill himself or others. That's something he (and you) would never get over.

And get him OFF your policy! Tell him the rates went way up due to his age. If he does take the car out and causes damage, YOU will suffer with sky high rates in the long run.
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My father loved his Humber with red leather seats and walnut let-down tables in the back. As his dementia progressed, he was not safe to drive, nor could he keep up with repairs. Mother was "going nuts" as she needed a car to drive to work, and also knew he was not safe to drive. They had a few confrontations about it. She also had not perceived how his illness had progressed. I suggested that she leave his beloved car in the driveway, which by this time was really not drivable, and purchase her own car making sure he could never get the keys. That way he could still look at his car with with pride, but not drive, and she had safe transportation to work. It was a win win.

I would disable the car to make sure he can't drive it. It is a hard transition for many.
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If they're available where you live, you should look into ride share services (Uber, Lyft). If you're not driving so much, these services can actually be much cheaper vs. owning a car, as well as safer. If your LO uses a smartphone you can download an app, but if s/he doesn't, there's a fantastic service called GoGoGrandparent. You set it up ahead of time online, enter in your LO's address and cell phone number, and then GoGo interfaces with the ride share companies. All your LO has to do is make a regular call on their cell phone, and press "1" to call a car to the house. GoGo handles all the app stuff like calling the driver, and they also let the driver know that they are picking up an elder so that they can take a little extra time to wait. The car takes Mom or Dad where they need to go, and then when they are ready to come home, all they have to do is make another cell phone call and press "2" and GoGo sends the car to the place where they dropped her off. It's a really useful service. See gogograndparent.com/hca for more information. There's a small extra charge to cover the cost of GoGoGrandparent, something like $0.20 per minute, but for many trips this works out to only a dollar or two, and in total it is still less than a cab - or the cost of a lawyer if Mom or Dad causes injury to someone in an accident.
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Good.

And maybe disconnect the battery when he's not looking.

If the insurance agent told you that your father's living at your address meant you had no option but to add him as a named/listed driver on your policy, that agent was telling you a taratiddle. And while the multicar policy was no doubt cheaper than your insurance + your father's separate insurance, it wasn't cheaper for YOU - and it sure as heck wouldn't have been had he needed to make a claim.

Never mind - I'm truly glad this is working out frictionlessly, fingers crossed, and may your father long enjoy polishing his car.
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Our insurance agent did speak to me and he added him because we live in the same house and he would have to be listed as a driver on my policy anyway. It was also cheaper with multicar discount. He has only driven the car twice since he bought it. I believe he knows he's no longer a competent driver. Seeing that car sitting in the driveway makes him feel in control of his life. Hasn't made any attempt to drive it in over a week now.
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Heber. Oi.

An insurer cannot add a driver to your policy without your explicit consent. So EITHER you agreed to this, OR your father is not in fact insured.

It sounds as though what happened is that your father went to the broker's office, spun them a yarn about how you were fine with it, and to save confrontation and embarrassment you say oh, okay, I guess... Mm?

The only reason I'm picking up on this point is that it suggests you are finding it difficult to be firm. I don't blame you. Saying no - or even better No Way! - feels heartless and unsympathetic and as though you don't understand why your father needs this small measure of independence.

But there are facts to be faced, here. Chiefest among them is that your father is a danger to himself and others. If he hurts himself that's bad enough. If he hurts someone else, the insurers will look for any reason they can find to deny the claim. You're worried about your rates going up? Worry more about his insurance being invalid! - if he was not absolutely truthful about absolutely everything on that form, you could easily find yourself financially and legally ruined.

Since you are also very sensibly considering your own future, is it time to think about moving somewhere where transport isn't such an issue?
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My husband and in-laws need me to drive, and I am a good driver at age 61. However, if the time comes when my chauffeuring is no longer needed ... or if my skills fail ... whichever comes first, my plan is to convert my driver's license to state ID *immediately*.  Plan is to relinquish the wheel loooong before safety issues require me to do so.  I see what happens when people are in denial, so No Excuse For Me.
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When my mom lost her car to an accident (garage roof fell on it because of a build up of snow and ice), then her brother passed 4 years later, and she lost his car, because of the cost to repair it, which she did not have. the title was signed over to the dealer to do with it what they wanted. After that, she lost all desire. to drive, and just let her license lapse.

She always mentioned a concern about causing an accident that would harm others, which was probably a part of it, but the main reason was not being able to have something that would have been a part of her brother, his car.

That being said, many young and old, are just not that into driving anymore. With the advent of online shopping, and even work at/from home jobs, in many instances, there is little reason to drive.
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My father, Heber, is 88. We recently moved to TN from TX, where he was driving, but sold his car (good idea...bad driver) when we moved. I (daughter) live with him and he expects me to cook him meals, and probably would not eat, if I didn't. He sits in his recliner nearly all day, watching TVLand while he sleeps! He can no longer walk without the aid of a walker and not for any distance. His balance is bad, and cannot control his one leg well. He drives on the right shoulder of roads, and we live in a rural area where there are many country roads without shoulders that go directly into a ditch. I have been chauffeuring him for the past 6 months, but he insisted on buying a car, which he did. I have rode with him, but will never get in the car with him again. When he went to get his car insured, they put him on my policy, since we lived in the same house. Another bad idea. I feel it is not a matter of if he has an accident, but when, and my insurance rates will pay for it. He is no longer a good driver. I'm concerned that he will get somewhere and fall down and not be able to get up...or have an accident and hurt himself or someone else. Before we left Texas he had 3 accidents in less than 2 years. All his fault! I know he fears losing his independence and I certainly understand, because I am retired and know that time may come for me as well. I think he feels that driving is the last thing he can do, because it requires no physical effort on his part! It is not a good situation. I think I will speak to his doctor about it. Thank you so much for the advice.
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Heber,

When I cared for my dad in my home he had his own car and was fairly independent. However, over time I began to notice dings and scratches on his car. I could tell that he was scraping his car against objects and maybe even other cars. His health had deteriorated and it occurred to me that he maybe shouldn't be driving. I discussed it with my brother and we both agreed.

Thus began the process of my dad giving up driving. It wasn't a one-conversation issue that was immediately resolved. I expressed my concern to my dad regarding his driving but he continued to drive. I would check his car on a regular basis. Sometimes I'd find new dents and then a period of time would come when I wouldn't. I began to worry about something serious happening. Either he would hurt himself or hurt someone else while driving.

My dad had a doctor's appointment coming up with his cardiologist who had taken care of a number of my family members. The entire family loved this doctor and we all had great respect for him. He had treated 3 generations of our family and his office staff was very familiar with our us. I traded on this by calling the office ahead of my dad's appointment. I wanted the doctor to encourage my dad to give up the keys if, after my dad's checkup, the doctor felt it was appropriate. I needed to get this plan in place prior to my dad's visit and after several phone calls back and forth between me and the doctor's office it was set.

When we finally saw the doctor after my dad's tests the news wasn't good. My dad's heart was in bad shape with an ejection fraction of 12%. I waited anxiously to see if the doctor would discuss my dad's driving with us and at the end of the visit he did. With great compassion he advised my dad to stop driving and by the time we got home my dad had accepted the fact that he couldn't drive anymore.

So it was a process. It wasn't something that could be discussed one time with a resolution at the end of the conversation. My dad had to hear from his doctor, not his daughter. As his daughter I was overly protective and cautious but the doctor had no such motives. In addition, the doctor became the "bad guy", not me. It was the doctor saying my dad couldn't drive, not his daughter. This distinction made a difference.

It was very difficult for my dad to stop driving. He had his places where he liked to go. He'd pop in at the dentist's office to say hello to the office staff. He'd stop in at the grocery and have a cup of coffee with the employees. He was active in the local seniors group and helped organize outings. Not being able to drive anymore was a great blow to him and while I took him everywhere he wanted to go he slowly began to not want to go out as much. I thought it was because he didn't want to bother me since I had to drive him but I encouraged him repeatedly to get out and go places and to think of me as his personal chauffeur but handing over the keys had a profound effect on him and little by little he stopped socializing and my dad was the most social person I knew. It broke my heart and I considered letting him drive again but ultimately decided against it.

Heber, I'm sorry this is so long but this topic is near and dear to my heart. This issue was a turning point for my dad but I didn't realize this until later. Being able to drive is something most of us take for granted but when our elderly loved ones are too ill or too feeble or too confused to be safe behind the wheel it's our responsibility to step in and our loved ones understandingly rebel. Driving is symbolic of our freedom and when that's taken away it can be a great blow to us as it was to my dad.
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