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My grandpa is 94 years old and he has a super high sexual drive.This is very problematic because 1) my grandma died 19 years ago 2) My grandpa refuses to marry another woman but keep harassing (both orally and physically) caregivers we hired. Sex is almost the only thing he can think of everyday besides other basic needs. My dad is managing his money and gives him a small portion for daily expenses but he spends all the money right away on women.
He has most of the bad behaviors one might see in the elderly such as bad hygiene, abuse, etc., but his brain is clear most of time since he can read newspapers, watch TV, communicate with people normally.
His harassment to the in-house caregivers has driven away at least 20 of them and it becomes really hard to find substitutes. It's impossible to let him live alone because of his old age and serious heart conditions as well as stroke risks.
Me and my parents are desperate, any one has any idea of how to cope with it?

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Tempa, LOL I haven't heard that one in years. Saltpeter is a vasodilator, and years ago was used for angina pains. The side effect was ED, you are right. But it was probably used in jails as a food preservative (bacon, corned beef, jerky and hot dogs).
The treatment today for grandpa is female hormones, or possibly saw palmetto. Saw palmetto is estrogenic and should not be taken by women.
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I heard they put saltpeter in food at jails a long time ago. Maybe the dr could give him something to take away the urges?
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Is he on any meds? I've learned that certain meds (I believe meds for Parkinson's - don't quote me) can increase sex drive in males.
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Just another thought . Have grandpa's testosterone level checked and you may find an Estrogen product will slow his urges
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Does your grandfather have dementia? There may be a medical reason for his sex drive or on the other hand he's really lucky to be able to be sexually active at his age. When was he last to see his doctor? Someone needs to go with him to explain the concerns. Is grandpa competent to make decisions on his own? Hiring male caregivers would be a good option.
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Before you hire another caregiver think very carefully about the qualities that caregiver needs. She should be older and very experienced in home care. A good solid woman and I mean that literally, who will not be intimidated by grandpa's actions and have your family's full support for whatever actions she deems necessary in certain circumstances. This can only apply while they are in the house and not when he is out alone in public. Whatever he does then or how he spends his money are of no concern. If he is misbehaving he must bear the consequences. in the house the caregiver sets the rules for gpa with dad's prior approval and bad behavior has consequences such as having his allowance with held for that day at least. everytime he wakes the caregiver at night he looses a days allowance with no exception. As with a child threats must be followed by actions. It is very clear that he will do anything he can to get rid of any caregivers. He wants to live in pig heaven. If he becomes violent as in destroying things in the house or threatening the caregiver the police should be called imediately and he will be taken for a psychiatric evaluation.
Pam's idea of the wooden spoon to the penis is tempting but could get the caregiver in a lot of trouble. The best thing is to totally ignore it and tell him to put it away. If he does not then leave the room and do not provide any further service till he behaves or call the police and file a complant. Do not yell or argue just warn him of the consequences and follow through. caregivers have to be prepared to deal with this kind of situation and if the family does not provide support they are with the wrong client.
Bamboo I realize you are worried about your parents but you are not responsible for grandpa they are. It may be hazardous to their marriage to continue in this way but your mother is complaining to the wrong person. she needs to sit down with her husband and the two of them figure out the reason he chooses not to come home when he is in town. If you have a live in caregiver let her do the job she is paid for. Dad does not need to be babysiting. it sounds to me that there is more going on here than Gpa's inappropriate sexual behaviour. This really is not your problem. You are a young wife and your attention should be on supporting your hubby while he finishes his education and takes those all important final exams. it is a very stressful time for him he does not need this diversion. Been there done that I married a medical student.
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Tough love is when he starts making advances, you whack that erection with a wooden spoon. He will get the message. Sexual predators of any age should be firmly corrected. His brain is NOT clear and the sooner you realize that, the better.
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Go to his doctor and ask for a prescription for Celexa which is a SSRI anti-depressant. His mood will improve and his sex drive will be greatly diminished. I had the same problem with my 90 year old husband. If the MD is not responsive, look for a clinic that deals with aging and that has a social worker you can talk to. I had to do this as my husband's primary care doctor was his nephew! He surely did not want to hear about his favorite uncle's sex life - I am chuckling now, but it was not funny then - I was so exhausted from no sleep, I was a walking zombie.

Only side effect we had was that it acted like a blood thinner and we cut back the dosage, but still were able to get the same effect after 6 weeks. Good luck!
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Is this really development of dementia, or was gramps always a pervert?
Someone making nasty comments or grabbing inappropriately may mean they have a sick inappropriate sense of humor and poor manners.

Why distinguish? If it has to do with meds or dementia, there may be a medical approach. A lifetime of bad behavior cannot be changed otherwise.
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Hire MALE nurses! Problem solved.
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My GrandFather was the same way. After his son passed on-my dad, my mother tried for a few months to help him but his behavior could not be controlled. My mother went to our county's Public Guardian/Public Administrator's office. They took over my grandfather's welfare. His social security checks went to them and they saw to it that he was cared for and eventually placed him in a care home. This move takes out all the personal attachment. Your folks can still visit, etc. but he won't be pulling their strings anymore and the county will do what's best for him. There was not a monthly charge for this but probably will use the monies from the sale of his home (at some point) to pay costs incurred.
Every county should have a Public Guardian/Public Administrator's office might be through Elder Care or Adult Protective Services Agency. Hope you do seek out their services and bring some peace to your family.
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I agree with those who say speak with is doctors about this. Dementia affects people in different ways and hyper sexuality is not uncommon. Grandfather will probably feel better along wit hthe rest of the family if this constant desire is abated. It's one thing to feel desire and quite anotehr to have a compulsion.
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Adult Protective Services or Adult Council on Aging in your area will be of great assistance.
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This touches home because I'm about to quit my job for caregiver because my pt cant keep his privates in his pants. He is 92...driving me crazy....i don't know how many more have gone thru but it's been 2 yrs of coming and going.
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Thanks to vstefans, I've made up my mind to get involved directly. I just persuaded my mom to tell my dad that I'm aware of my grandpa's situation, and then I'll talk to my dad about solutions. I did some research and found there're actually some medicines which might help.
Keep my finger crossed.
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Sounds like the whole family needs to learn how to communicate. You do realize at some point you may be taking care of your parents. Now is the time to start having those serious conversations about what they want their future to be like.
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That really is a great idea, have hubby read up on the latest in this area and both of you be there to talk. It could mean a small miracle for everyone...and a little education for hubby that might come in handy with his own patients some day.
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Thank vstefans for your opinions, they're valuable to me. I almost opened my mouth talking to dad like 50 times, but every time I swallowed back because my dad always pretended he's doing very well. I will open the "can of worm" soon. My husband is in medical school and will soon become a doctor so my dad values his medical advice even more. Do you think I should involve him in the conversation? I'm also concerned that my dad might feel embarrassed more.
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bamboo, open that can of worms and invite mom and/or dad to get on here with you! hypersexuality if it is not a lifelong mindset or pathology, deserves to be talked about and helped. Dad is probably worrying Grandpa will land himself in jail, and it could happen. This issue is not just annoying, your mom and dad could lose their marriage over it. If Grandpa is harassing Mom, Dad needs to know...rather than boil over with resentment for not knowing why she is not helping more. Mom tells you and says don't tell - not fair. I would vote for going ahead and being the scapegoat, i. e. Dad, there is something I need to tell you - Mom has been telling me and doesn't want me to tell you, but it needs to be told. You may not like this. Are you ready? Then Mom can say she didn't want to tell him and add to his burdens and pretend to be mad at you for telling. Those walls of embarrassment and silence that are preventing your family from dealing with a difficult but potentially remediable situation in a way that will let everyone have some peace and a decent life - they need to come tumbling down, and a good shove from you might just do it. MAKE SURE DAD UNDERSTANDS that hypersexuality is a medical, neurological symptom - albeit one that can land a person in a lot of trouble - neither just a bad habit or a stereotype or something to be ashamed of, not something the women he hits on are provoking in any way, NOR something to just be accepted and lived with by them or by him.
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Thanks for your support, GardenArtist.
My manipulating yet long living grandpa is really a burden to my family. My dad's unconditional love for him and stubborness makes this worse. My dad leaves my mom alone at home and insists that he should live with grandpa (the 2 houses are 20 miles away) when he's in town. My mom comes over once a week. Basically there's no life of their own. They constantly fight over this annoying issue.
I'm the only child of my parents and I'm far away from them. My dad never told me anything about my grandpa's condition because he thinks it's embarrassing. My mom keeps complaining to me but I have to pretend not knowing in front of my dad because she is strongly against the idea of me talking to my dad about this issue (They'll fight for sure if I tell.)
I think I can only help if I find a drug or something to suppress my grandpa's sex drive.
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I think some of this harassment is part of that generation. There were times when my Dad would make a snide remark thinking he was being funny [sorry, Dad, not funny]. There were men who just didn't think women were their equal. Remember back when marriage vows said "I now pronounce you man and wife"? Today it is "husband and wife". Apparently that is still this gentleman's mind set.
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I recall something I've learned from watching law enforcement programs. Just as rape is not a sexual issue but rather a controlling one, I think that GF's alleged sex drive may be more a factor of control and POWER than sex.
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Grandpa's doctor needs to know about this. Sometimes medications can help this. He may or may not be demented but he is at least disinhibited. It is not just a "bad habit" that you can talk to him about. Does he have an insight at all into why caregivers have left? He may not, because, as often has to be pointed out to people not familiar with all types of dementia, reading the paper, watching TV, recognizing familiar people and conversing superfically just DOESN'T DOESN'T DOESN'T guarantee someone still has all their marbles.
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Last paragraph, first sentence should read " ...your father CAN tell him.."
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"He has ... knocked at their doors at ridiculous hours (midnight or early morning) and yell at them all the time until he finally succeed. Same thing on the only male caregiver we hired."

Obviously he doesn't want a caregiver. He wants to continue to manipulate his family. Your father must be exhausted from dealing with this controlling tactic, but I agree that he's going to have to deal with with his father, although he's between a rock and a hard place as GF is creating a situation whereby your father is the only one who will tolerate him.

If he stops intervening but continues to care for him, he's just playing to Gf's game plan. And I'm sure GF would create an incident so that he could then blame your father for "abandoning" him.

I think I would try to find a sex therapist or even psychiatrist to determine if he really has a problem or if he's just using this tactic to harrass the female caregivers. He must get a tremendous amount of control from manipulating them and making them so uncomfortable (and/or disgusted) that they quit.

If he doesn't and it's just controlling behavior, your father cant tell him that he needs to behave civilly or, regardless of his desires, he'll end up in a facility. But honestly, I think this manipulative game is so ingrained that I don't think your father has much of a chance for reasoning with him, and I really don't know what the solution is but I do feel sorry for what you and your family are going through.
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There ARE male caregivers out there who are OK,, we had one for Dad until MOm got out of rehab. Not a perfect caregiver, but he got the job done! Try an agency... They may even have a lady who can handle this with no problem. I am in healthcare, and I deal with randy old guys all the time.. you just have to be upfront about what they will be exposed to... LOL. Good luck with this! And I liked the 300 lb guy idea!!!
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56 is not old and sounds like Grandpa has been in charge of this family for a long time. I would suggest your Dad talk to Grandpa's doctor and ask him for assistance. The sex drive issue is probably related to his dementia and there are medications for both. I totally agree about boundaries needing to be set.

Grandpa is 94 and no one will be to blame when his life is over. To me, allowing this to continue is more unhealthy than someone deciding to be the adult and make those tough decisions to see that Grandpa is properly cared for and caregivers are safe. Good luck!
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MaggieMarshall, could you be more specific about tough love? I really want some tips.
My dad is the oldest son of five siblings and he's always taking responsibilities of the whole family. I think he's afraid if anything happens to my grandpa and there's no one around, he's the one to be blamed. I feel really sorry for him because he has suffered so much. And I'm also worried because my dad is 56 already and bad emotions might damage his health.
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Then the problem is your dad. There are boundaries. It's up to mature adults to set them. Your family is allowing a 94-year-old man who most likely has dementia to control you all. What kind of sense does that make? Time for some tough love.
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My grandpa knows that my dad loves him unconditionally and will not abandon him, so he tried everything to drive away the nannies who have the courage to stop him from harassing. He accused them stealing, knocked at their doors at ridiculous hours (midnight or early morning) and yell at them all the time until he finally succeed. Same thing on the only male caregiver we hired.
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