Hi - My mother is 82, has severe peripheral neuropathy, and is in Assisted Living, at the highest level of care. She has gained weight, so now has real difficulty standing at all. She has for the last 3 months she's been in AL, refused to call for assistance to transfer from couch to wheelchair, from wheelchair to bathroom/toilet, back to wheelchair, wheelchair to bed. With this evidenced for months, and much prodding by us (two daughters one son) to get her to use the care her Long Term Care insurance actually pays for her to have, we reviewed every service and reduced to allow her to transfer on her own. She didn't ever use the service, except help getting into the shower, and medications, and trips to the dining hall and back. Yesterday, she used her wheelchair (and from hearing from my sister, my sister saw her do this before) she used her wheelchair as a walker to go into the bathroom, and then she had a very hard fall, jammed her shoulder, and now is in a sling.
We lost again a whole night in the ER, more prescriptions, and now the care providers are almost 24/7 doing all this transferring assistance again, and carefully dressing her, undressing her, putting her to bed, getting her up, back to where we started. And she is in pain. Two days before she fell, she was adamant she didn't need the help of course, and I only saw her go with the wheelchair seated into the bathroom and back, but she was at the point of hardly able to stand using two hands and arms; now she has only one for the next several weeks. she will probably need an MRI in a week, when this doesn't get better. I am just beside myself with her, and I am near tears, and I know I sound scolding - almost scolding to her, and I feel I am behaving badly, and hurts my sense of our relationship. She acts like no big deal the next day; I know I should not even think anymore that what I say to her will make a difference to her behavior. I am so frustrated that I am not feeling any sadness for her and my positive feelings are now minimal.
I used to enjoy ensuring she was safe -- but this is my 3rd year of this. My sister however, who doesn't do much of the hands on, sat last night at the hospital bed and said "I know you must feel so trapped ... blah blah blah", and I was just feeling nothing but anger and apathy - back and forth. Then when I got her back to her room, and helped her change, I finally softened, and felt she was weak, and vulnerable. It took me so long to feel that way. This is ruining my relationship with her. I cannot get my mind to accept that she is incompetent to make good decisions. She is a smart woman - has a PhD for god's sake in literature, and drove me nuts to do the right thing growing up, and she was a driver powerful personality, and she isn't any longer -- her stubbornness is just lashing out against her condition. BUT she chose to hurt herself. How do I pull back, and allow myself to feel natural feelings, and still maintain this relationship without hard feelings, and growing apathy toward her. How do I let her hurt herself, over and over again. It breaks my heart.
If you haven't read "Being Mortal" by Atul Gawande, get a copy and start it now.
I have no idea how you pull back and achieve smiling detachment while your mother's understanding and ability to do normal things safely are exploding before your eyes. Perhaps, recognise that what you're going through is a hateful experience, and you can't expect yourself to take it in your stride. Recognise also that going numb - I'd say, rather than becoming apathetic - is essential emotional self-defence.
Anyway, I could whitter on all day about the stress and the grey hairs and the powerlessness combined with responsibility, and how your perspective shifts again with time and distance, but it won't mean a thing. But that book will help, I hope - no answers, but it really does help you concentrate on the right questions.