My husband is 89, less active but still independent and moving about. His daughter says we both need to move . I am 79, still driving, perfectly capable of taking care of us both, though tiring, and hiring cleaning and general help. We love our home, do not want to leave until we have to, but I think she is eager to prove us incompetent so she can call the shots. Legally she has no power to do so, but she is a bulldog when she wants something.
So try to think about the bigger picture. What is your plan when you and/or your husband decline? Do you have a plan? Discuss it with her and get your legal documents in order to reflect your wishes. Don't put your head in the sand and act like you are going to keep things the same until you die. Unfortunately, we all eventually decline and need more help. If she hears you and your husband being open to discussing the future realistically, she will probably calm down. But I have a feeling she is responding to your resistance.
Your stepdaughter likely has your best interests in mind and doesn't want to see a forced move into AL, or a Skilled Nursing Facilty, after a crisis occurs. It's always better to see the handwriting on the wall and make your own decision than to be forced to move, or worse yet, be separated, with hubby in Skilled Nursing and you in AL or home alone.
Best of luck to you.
Be kind to your stepdaughter and try to understand why she is worried, she probably is working full time to pay for her own eldercare so she won't be living in a refrigerator box under a bridge when she is in her 80s.
Things go along for a long time and then suddenly the situation changes on a dime and then people are left scrambling on what to do. Have a plan in place and talk to her about it. Keep communicating about it.
Eldercare affects the entire family and can be catastrophic because of the financial sacrifices that caregivers might need to make. So it is not fair to expect your stepdaughter to be the answer to your situation.
I'm betting the main scenario she is concerned with is 'who is going to take care of dad if something happens to stepmother'?
If any part of you and your husband's plan includes having this stepdaughter step in and arrange care for either of you, management of your property, etc., then you absolutely owe it to her to share this plan with her.
If stepdaughter's time or assistance will not be required for anything, then you can tell her to buzz off. Too often, however, the reality is that parents fail to make any sort of plan, or if they did, they didn't share it with their children, yet they still expect children to step in at a moment's notice, upending their lives, leaving their families and jobs in the lurch. Having to make decisions in a crisis situation usually leads to a less desirable outcome e.g. where you spend your final years if you have to leave home. The best places have waiting lists.
I am forever grateful that my parents made a plan, shared it with us, had all their legal ducks in a row, and downsized before they needed to. There were still some unanticipated crises, but we rolled with it, keeping family harmony, knowing my parents had done the best they could.
Are you requiring help from her and her husband?
How does her husband, your son feel about this?
To tell the truth, it doesn't matter WHAT she wants. She would not win in court to get your rights taken from you, nor to have you judged incompetent under the law. She would need doctors letter attesting to your being incompetent, BOTH of you. She would be spending 10,000 for attorneys and that would be only a START of it.
So just sit back and tell her no and tell her you don't wish to discuss this. But also know that you must remain independent and on your own. If you intend to exit the home feet first just tell her so. And she is not the best person to discuss "I-am-so-very-tired" issues with, of course, because her response will be "You need to be in care".
I will tell you THIS. She is wanting you to do something that will GREATLY cut down any inheritance her son will receive and that is unusual behavior from someone nefarious.
We can only guess why she would want to have the burden of calling "the shots", but are you sure this is really the reason? Maybe she thinks you are not providing the level of care she thinks your husband should have?
Do you live far away from them? Maybe she thinks it would be practical to move close to her for when she does need to manage his care?
Is she your PoA? If not, who is? If you and your husband both have different PoAs (assuming from each of your own adult children) this may prove tricky to navigate.
You don't actually ask a question... but when your stepdaughter starts talking to you about moving, keep changing the subject. This is called "extinguishing" a behavior. You don't give it any attention and pretend you didn't hear it, even if she repeats it. She'll get the message loud and clear if you do this consistently. It works.
But it's a whole other story if she is haranguing your husband and he doesn't voice a strong opinion about it. Hopefully you both have all your legal ducks in a row.
More informatino for context would be helpful.
Are you or he able to mow the lawn, shovel the snow, or if you are unable to do that have you HIRED someone or do you depend on her or others in her family?
If you and your husband are totally independent then you can gently tell her to back off.
You can have a discussion as to why she thinks this is a good idea.
Listen to her as her thinking is valid in her mind.
You can counter with solutions to the problems she sees. Solutions that do not involve asking family for help.
BUT all that said there may be advantages to an AL community.
No homeownership expenses, no property taxes, no gas bill, electric bill, no garbage, water, sewer bills. No shoveling snow, mowing grass. Food expenses greatly reduced. Auto expenses reduced. (most AL will have van service to local stores, medical appointments and arranged outings.)
And given the AL most will also have other levels of care if that is ever needed. (Memory Care, Skilled Nursing, Rehab)
Now if your step daughter is POA if there is any indication that your husband may have cognitive issues and if she is the "prickly" sort she might be able to force a move. Is she POA of him is she your POA?
do you have a POA?
If no POA you might want to sit down with an Attorney and get some things ironed out.,
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