I know what I need to do. How to soften the transition to AL facility?

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After whining CONSTANTLY on this forum and getting some nice "wake up" slaps in the face (thanks) I realize that it will be in my own personal best interest to reconsider placing Daddy in a AL facility WITHOUT the overnight care.

Quite honestly... I'm afraid (the words OWN PERSONAL interest alone make me cringe...am I being selfish?).

He HATED the last place. He just holed himself up in his room and would refuse to eat only to call have the front desk staff call me hours later because he was hungry.

He loves his overnight care giver, and putting him in the AL would mean that we would have to let her go.

I toyed with the idea of adding more in-home care (I realize that even the two weeknights and daytime Saturday and Sundays that I currently cover are TOO MUCH for me... terrible I know), but accommodating my needs would mean paying yet another caregiver which we would only be able to afford for about 2 years with his savings (that I promised I wouldn't touch... that would be where we would get the money for the additional care)

So... it's more economical for him to do Adult Day care and be in the AL in the evenings

I would also consider bringing back the Adult Day Center transportation service (which Daddy hated because the drivers didn't get him to the center when HE wanted to arrive...yet another task I took back on to make him happy)

The only thing is... he's going to go completely BANANAS about the change. He then calls his ex wives in tears complaining that I'm such a bad daughter which makes me feel AWFUL. I just don't want to disappoint anyone.

So... should I make him a part of the decision or just show up at the AL like "welcome to your new home!"?

Is there anything I can do to make this easier for him while soothing my old guilty conscience for breaking my promise to not put him away?

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Tiny, yes. In fact this may help you get started.

Some years ago the format was a lot more user friendly; the existing format is kind of tedious.
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In jail? Oh my. Now, you can't just say that and not tell us the whole story!
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I'm not offended at all. I appreciate the honest feedback. I'm assuming I can google a facility's Medicare rankings?

By the way... the no show in home care nurse finally surfaced. Apparently she couldn't show up for her shift or call because she was in jail...unbelievable
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Don't try it without an overnight caregiver.
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Tiny, call up one of his ex-wives, get her to go with you to find placement, hopefully near her if she is still in contact with youf father. You do need a little help.
Maybe the situation is not only confounding to us bystanders? Do you really need us to tell you what to do, step by step, to absolve you of guilt? You can say, all my friends agreed Dad should move in to a nice place to get the care he needs, wants, and demands.
We will be here for you after you have made the decision and taken that step.
Your issues won't be solved just by placing Dad.
Don't make me send someone , because sometimes, being nice is just not nice!
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Good insights, Ladee.
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I always have trouble with posts that ask about making things 'easier', or less stressful, or wanting to not feel guilty about something that has to be done... this is not a personal attack on you Tiny, this is just something that bothers me... life is hard, we all make tough choices all the time... and the guilt thing..... if you are waiting to not feel guilty, you will never make the moves necessary.... you work thru the guilt AFTER you do what needs to be done....

And this is a personal observation..... from what I have read, you probably have no idea what would make YOU happy..... as Cmag puts it, your dad is an emotional vampire.... he has sucked the life out of you and apparently many women along the way..... if he called you a CHAIR, would that make you one???? Of course not, same with being a bad daughter.....

Seems you need a lot of validation here for taking care of yourself, all the while not even knowing what that means or how to go about it..... and you won't know or learn until this man is placed where others can deal with him..... maybe you need to Google 'Stockholm syndrome', this is exactly what is going on here...

I hope I have not offended you or made you feel like a failure... because you are not a failure, you are still asking for help.....

Do what is right for you... but let me add, he is not going to say yes to being placed , keep that in mind when you 'include' him in the decision .... you are not punishing him by placing him, you are giving yourself your life back.....he has his own consequences to deal with, no matter what you do or how you do it...

I hope you get a taste of freedom soon.... or at least have the space and time to explore what that even means.....
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I would first research the Medicare rankings to eliminate any that might have nice websites and/or look good but have internal problems. Make a short list, then tour them yourself, or better yet, with a friend who can offer an unbiased opinion.

Make sure to create a checklist of what you want in a facility, and don't be hesitant to ask questions. It can help to go at mealtimes to get an idea of how many staff there, then and afterward, when there can be a rush to get the patients in the bathrooms.

I made a major mistake once of touring a facility on the weekend, since the push was on to get Dad out of the hospital and into rehab. I had a checklist but completely forgot to ask about patient/staff ratios. After the first day, it was apparent I had missed that critical factor; by the next day I was looking for another place and Dad was moved a day or so later.

After you find one or 2, then show your Dad. You don't want to accidentally tour a dump before finding out it is a dump and then be pushed back to square one again.

Babalou is right; he's not in a position to make a decision, but he can respond favorably to bright, cheery, well kept facilities with lots of staff.
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Can you tour 2 places and give him a choice? That's probably more than I would do in your shoes. Would you leave the choice of a preschool up to a 4 year old, or would you look at the online ratings by other parents, the state ratings, the educational qualifications of the staff, the proximity to you in case of emergency and the feel you got for the caring-ness of the place.. or would you be swayed by your 4 year old ' s attraction to the Ninja posters on the wall. It's the same thing.
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