How to set boundaries with my father's crazy wife regarding responsibility for his care?

If she emails you that she is sending him to Texas to be near you, you should respond and state clearly that you will not be involved, you have never had a relationship with him and you will contact law enforcement should she think it is okay to send a vulnerable senior to a state where he has no one to help him. If she has given a diagnosis, reiterate that diagnosis back, as well as any damning verbal response from her to you. This creates a document that will show she knew his situation and was the originator of shipping him off. (In AZ if you put an agreement in writing and the other party doesn't respond within 30 days, it can be considered agreement by lack of disagreement, put it in writing to ensure there is no he said she said.) Maybe put in it that you will not be communicating with her any longer, that covers you if she pulls a stunt.

She is financially responsible for him. I am sure she doesn't want to deal with it but, tough. She and he made choices and now they get to live with the consequences.

You do not have to be involved with either of them in any way shape or form. You are not an awful person, you are being put in an awful situation that needs the brutal truth laid out for her to completely understand.

Stay strong and no guilt, you didn't make the choices that left you without a dad, now it is to late and no one has the ability to fob him off on you unless you allow it.

I would contact your local police and find out how they would deal with this situation and if you need to contact the police in New York to stop her from abandoning her mentally incompetent husband and how you would file charges if she had the audacity to actually put him on a plane.

This man feels he owes you nothing, you also owe him nothing. He was never a "father". We honor those who cared for us. You made it perfectly clear that you will not be involved. Seems this woman is perfectly able to set him up with care. She is his wife and took vows for in sickness and health. You owe her nothing. You made it clear that you cannot be there for him or her.

Does Dad have money to keep him in an AL or NH in Texas? If not, Medicaid in Tx will not pay for his care because he is not a resident. She may not realize this. I also would change my phone #s. Why? Her for one reason and second if she is successful getting him to TX, she will be giving your contact info to the home and they will be calling you instead of her.

Really, I think the move to Texas will not happen when she sees how much is involved with getting him there. A plane will not work if he is incontinent. It will take 3 days of driving, staying in Motels 2 nights. Train, same thing, some sleeping on the train. Transport? It would have cost 2k to transfer my MIL from central Fla to GA, 8 hr drive. I don't see where she feels TX is an option other than you being there. I bet she thought you would fly up to get him and take him back. She is in LaLa land.

Stick by your guns. You were nice the first time you don't have to be the next time. Tell her you owe your father nothing as you owe her nothing. She and he have made it perfectly clear over the years that you and yours were not welcome in their lives. He is her responsibility. That after caring for your "mother", who was there for you, you are getting on with your life.

Remind her he " has continued to make it clear that I am not worthy of consideration throughout adulthood" so why should you consider him worthy of your time now he is declining.  

I love that you said it will be horrible for him to be left in a NH in TX. You still have some compassion. Thats OK but don't let it get you sucked in. I truly believe what goes around comes around. This is his "come around". He is going to be alone because of the choices he made. Sad but both he and her have made their beds.

If she persists, you could tell her not to bother moving him because you’re planning on moving or getting a transfer. And don’t say where.

To start with could you consider blocking her number on your phone. At the very least don't answer her calls. They have not treated you decently at all therefore you really don't owe them a part of your life. I think remaining in contact might just fuel whatever your stepmother chooses to communicate to you. You have stated your position. You are not being cruel. You dealt with your mother and simply are not deserving of being further abused by a negligent parent who has never treated you as a parent should. I wish you the best and hope you find the strength you need.

You have expressed your boundary here, so stick to your guns. Get on with your life and your children as your priority, which is at it should be. Your father has a long-term wife who appears to still be well enough to be his primary caretaker. You told your SM what you thought, so if she still sends him to TX it will have been a decision she made alone and you do not need to be part of the fallout from it. I tend to question her motive about moving him to a different state since it could be disorienting for him and most spouses choose a local facility to be accessible to their LO.

Why would you have to do anything if he was shipped to TX?

I agree. If your dad comes to Texas there's nothing that says you have to care for him. Like Barb said, this is a healthy and realistic boundary. Stick to it. But if he does make his way to Texas you will be in an all-or-nothing situation. You can't participate in his care in any way, shape, or form or else you will be in it 100%.

So, she sends him to Texas?

So what?

You are not obligated to provide for him. Ignore her emails. You've set a healthy boundary. Continue to observe it.

I understand the panic and anxiety. Remember that it's YOUR choice what or how much you do. Including nothing at all.