My father has been married to his 2nd wife for the past 30 years. He was neglectful at best during childhood, and has continued to make it clear that I am not worthy of consideration throughout adulthood. His wife encouraged that, and even demanded it from him.
He is now in cognitive decline, and his wife has been caring for him, which I’m sure is no picnic since he has always been pathologically narcissistic - as has she.
I recently got an email from her telling me that she was looking at homes for him in NY (where they live), and in TX (near me).
My stomach dropped, and the thought of being pulled back into the vortex of elder care for my dad after caring for my mom for the past 8 years (who passed last Nov) made me feel trapped and panicky.
It feels like she is trying to fob him off on me.
I don’t wish my Dad ill, and I’ve pretty much forgiven him for his inability to parent, but I just can’t face the thought of having to care for him. I don’t want anything to do with it.
I am just now getting on with my life after my mom died, and I have to build a new career to take care of myself and my own children. I am terrified that I could end up financially responsible for his care, bc I just don’t have it. Moreover, my mom died with more debts than assets, and my dad told me long ago that his wife would get everything (though I’m not sure what, if anything, is left).
I told her, nicely but clearly, that looking at homes in TX was not a good idea and that I would not be able to assist in the search or his care.
In usual fashion, she flipped out on me, and told me that I might regret “playing it out by staying out”(???). I wouldn’t put it past her to send him down to Texas anyway-and I’m terrified that she will.
I need help setting boundaries (she has none), encouragement to stick to my guns, and any words of advice you can offer.
I am not a cruel person, and if she dumps him down here I know it will be terrible for him, but i just can’t sacrifice whatever life I have left to him.