How to set a boundary with a demanding person?
I am a 53 year old woman and have been companion-caring (with overnights for an 85 widow since June 8 2020. I am at her home every evening, Monday through Thursday nights. I go to her home directly following my day job. Every night I pick up items from local grocery stores, pharmacies or liquor stores, items that she needs. Her grown children took away her driving privileges four months ago. Every night I bring home dinner or make it. I serve and cleanup every evening, dishes, sweep floors, etc. It's expected that I watch tv with her for about 2 hours until she retires for bed. I am not a TV person, at all, but I knew this coming in and bring my knitting to work on while we sit and watch.
From the beginning I noticed needy, attention seeking behaviour. I accepted this and could manage my way around it, it is only for two hours a night. The neediness has always been a bit of frustration for me, but I understood this going in. So I can't truly complain on that point.
But,... this has led to other behaviour that I am very on edge about and am struggling to get a grip of. If I am later than she wants, she will ask me if I don't like being with her anymore, why was I late (I work 35-40 mins from her home), does my husband mind that I am with her? While I am making our meal, doing the dishes, or getting into my night clothes (all of which she is aware I am doing), she is constantly asking me why am I taking so long, when am I going to sit with her? She will ask me to do something for her every 6 - 10 minutes. Regardless if I am preparing a meal (get me a drink), doing the dishes (get me ice cream).
The same repeats when I sit with her... (get up and get me a drink....another half drink, .... a half a cookie, a bowl of ice cream, another kind of cookie, another half a drink... This goes on for the entire time I am there and it's getting to the point where my eye balls are often lodged in the back of my skull until night time. This goes on night after night, and this is by no means an exaggeration. I wish it was so.
By the time I go the room I sleep in, for the night, I am exhausted.
I get up at 5-5:15am in the morning; go to my home (25 mins away), get ready for work and do it all over again.
I was asked to be a companion with over night and I am frustrated and have started to feel resentful of her action toward me. I feel like a maid/slave more than what my function was to be.
She forced me to give up my book club because she told me she 'hated it' because it took me away from her. I could no longer stand her passive-aggressive behaviour so I stopped going.
I love her and love being with her. I am not with her for the money. I get paid well in my career job, accounting/finance. I am doing this because when I was approached to ask my church book club member and church members if anyone had an interest, I was excited to do something to help someone. We get along beautifully otherwise, never ever an issue or a disagreement. Thank you in advance.
Literally, at the end of my rope.
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Teepa snow.com. Good luck!
Do other people in the church think it’s normal to “volunteer” in this way? Is the woman you’re caring for part of the pastor’s family, by chance? It seems excessive and frankly exploitative to me.
Isn't your day job suffering?
For example if she's nagging when you are busy - sorry I' doing XYZ right now... remind me later - you'll have do it yourself - I'm only going back into the kitchen once so figure out if you need something else while I'm there.
If she continues then - I'm sorry but I'm not here to be at your beck and call, I'm tired and I just want peace and quiet after a hard day at work. I'm going to my room to read.
*I just read your profile and see that you are doing this for a friend. This is unsustainable over the long term, what are you imagining will happen that ever allow this to end gracefully?
I think you have put too much on your plate. I personally could not work 40 hrs a week and then come home to caring for someone. Then getting up at 5 to go home to get ready for work? I would be sleep deprived. I would tell the family you have found this too much for you. That their LO needs a lot of attention that after working all day, you just can't give. There is someone out there that would love to have that job that needs the money.
This sounds like anxiety. Is she alone most of the other times? Loneliness can bring on anxiety/depression etc.
Does she have any other cognitive issues - did she start any new medications?
Not sure if you are in touch with anyone that makes her healthcare choices - family/ etc but maybe try speaking with someone or even her if she is able to ask her and maybe if you think she is well enough to hear you then speak with her about talking to someone in regard to this hyper aware state. Even as I said loneliness alone can hurt someone’s mental health:? 🙏🏼
I think you feel resentful (justifiably so) because you really are at her beck and call. But just because you are being PAID, does not mean that you are her slave. She will just need to wait.
My MIL is very impatient too, and there is nary a ‘please’, and rarely a ‘thank you.’ I do tell her to wait. I am met with a lot of muttering, and dark looks, and told that I’m crazy. If it’s loud, I simply tell her, “That’s unkind. I’m sorry, but I am busy. I’m more than happy to help you, but you will have to wait.”
I would do that for a few days and see if she remembers. Unfortunately, you’ve trained her to think that you’ll drop whatever you’re doing to go and get her half a cookie. It’ll now take her twice as long to realize that she’s not the Queen of England. If you’re knitting, “Sure, I’d love to. I just need to finish this row first.”
Be prepared for some drama, but you’ll get there. Just pretend it doesn’t bother you and ignore the behavior.
She’ll learn to suck it up.
Oh, and I answer everything about how she’s not loved and appreciated with the same thing, “That’s silly.” So when she says, “You don’t really want to be here, do you?” Your response, “That’s silly.”
Is there anyone with her during the day when you are not there?
I think you made a mistake giving up a book club that you enjoyed.
I also think you need time off. Nights, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and then going home to get ready for work is a LOT. If you can find someone to split the days with you I think you would feel better mentally and emotionally.
Have you talked to her about how you feel? If so what was her response? Is she sympathetic or not care?
Is she incapable of getting up and getting her own drink? Her own cookie? Her own ice cream? If she can get up and do things for herself she should be encouraged to do so.
If you are out of the room to change or to wash dishes can you set a timer? Set it for 15 minutes and tell her that you are going to get dressed, or do the dishes and you will be back when the timer goes off, or maybe before. But she should not call for you until then. She can then see how long you will be gone and knowing that you will return will relieve some of the anxiety.
*(off topic, it looks like a Luna Butterfly as your photo, very pretty and I hope I have the type correct)
I will get that for you when I am done with the dishes.
Yes, of course I enjoy being with you, I just don't appreciate the lack of consideration for myself that you have been showing.
I am happy to get you a snack and a drink but, I am not going to get you something every 6 minutes, it's unreasonable and I think that you need to be more considerate.
I think that you should have a talk with her children and explain that the situation is going far beyond a companion sitting situation and it is probably time to start thinking about a caregiver.
Standing up for yourself doesn't make you wrong. Getting paid for your services isn't wrong. Not being honest and forthcoming with her and her children is. Caregiving situations only work when it works for everyone involved and that includes you.