Let me start by saying it’s complicated. He thinks he’s my biological father (he’s not) but was never there for me or in my life until he started needing someone to make his life easier. He’s a narcissist and expects care and attention that I can’t give. It’s a toxic relationship. He doesn’t respect boundaries or consider how his demands are effecting and impacting me. My health has declined in the process and my career is now compromised. I don’t know why I’ve assumed the role as caregiver, but he expects it and I don’t know how to tell him to figure it out himself. I have helped him enormously and fronted $$$$ to move him — not to mention my lost wages. He doesn’t want AL and lives in the independent living side of the senior care community. I’ve set up a caregiver agency, but he only wants 4hrs twice a week and expects me to bridge the gap. Everything I do for him isn’t good enough or appreciated. He has siblings, but honestly he is alone because he’s a very selfish person. He has made me his POA and I’m ok with seeing that his final wishes are carried out, but I can’t nor do I want to be his caregiver. How do a walk away from this assumed responsibility?
"In the end it's either you or them".
Sums it up nicely.
You tell the whole family, maybe in a group text, that you will no longer be available as of day/time. When they say "why not" you repeat I will no longer be available. Give them no reasons so there's nothing to argue about.
Is "dad" mentally with it enough to sign a new POA for someone else? If yes then rescind yours, in writing, now and advise the family this needs to be done. If he's in a hospital you advise them you are rescinding your POA and they will need to find someone else to make decisions.
Extract yourself completely from this situation, including saying goodbye to the money. Money is one of the ways disfunctional people/families keep you sucked in to their drama and needs. Cut your ties to the cash and the people.
If you feel the need to tell him anything, tell him your doctor said you can no longer give care and it’s affecting your heart.
What could go wrong?? Read the above! Your new theme song: "These boots are made for walkin'.'"
Resign POA. He's done you no favors and never will.
If he is in his right mind, get out now. Have your POA revoked. You don't want to be tied to this man in anyway. You tell him, sorry your on your own, and walk away. As said, block him and inform those who need to know, that you cannot help him in any way. That they are to delete your info from their records. Do it verbally and follow up with an email or letter. And then block him and everyone else. You owe this man nothing. Tell him he is not your biodad.
You do this why he is with it. Don't wait till Dementia sets in, it will make things harder. If you walk away now, when he really needs help, APS can be called in and the State can take over his care.
The sad truth is that no one can do for you what you must do yourself. And that is set limits. Your father is in care. Step back from what you are doing. No one can do it for you. If you need help I would consider a few sessions with a good cognitive therapist. You claim not even to like this person, yet you continuously throw yourself bodily onto his burning funeral pyre. Why? Is it just a bad habit? Because it is a slow burn, and you will receive no thanks, even from him.
That's on you my friend. Not your parent. You hold all the cards in this situation yet you're letting him control the game. Seek out a therapist to help you work through and understand why you continue to let this person walk all over you.
He's already in a senior community. Let them figure it out. STOP DOING FOR HIM! Stop today.
Block his phone number so he can't call you. Don't go over there. He only "wants" eight hours a week caregiver servicebut needs way more? His other choice is a nursing home. Make sure he knows that. Most importantly of all stop being a fool who pays for his needs and gives him money.
You have the power to stop all of this today. Will you?
Of course that DOESN'T mean that you have to be the one supplying that care, just that care is being given to him whether it be in a facility or in his home.
And you say no by just opening your mouth and saying it. No is such a simple yet powerful word when it is used by those who aren't afraid to use it. You may want to try it. I think you'll like it once you get used to it.
NO....I won't be giving you anymore money for any reason as I need it for myself.
NO....I can't come that day to do the chores you're wanting me to do, but you can hire(with your own money)more caregivers that will help you.
NO....I won't be coming anymore than just once a week now, as I have my own life and responsibilities, so again if you're needing more help you can hire(with your own money)more caregivers to come help you, or move into an assisted living facility where they will look after you.
You can do this. Even if this man was your real father you would still owe him nothing...as in nothing. He will now have to figure out what he wants his care to look like without you.