Long story short, Im just venting at my situation I didn't ask to be in. My great uncle died at 98 recently and left behind plenty of money to take care of my grandmother 94, and in my mind we no longer need to worry at all. In home caregiver or assisted living would be affordable. Of course this can depend on length of life but I think she's really fine and if it comes to it I could sell her house. Of course She wont hear of it. The hard part is discussing this. She is upset about having the money when I was expecting her worries to stop. Everytime I brought up that I would like to not live with her, money was a major reason she gave. Now she's saying we'll I could live a lot longer you know! I dont want to discuss her length of life its very difficult. I think especially because she always makes it like I just need to wait for her to die. She used to say just one more year. I knew she was just buying time hoping she wouldn't have to face any of the difficult parts of aging and die. I can't handle trying to walk with her on her path. My uncle was very stoic so it was so easy. She is scared to die and scared of not having control over me. I guess what also bothers me is that she has been living as if she is about to die for so long. Just unwilling to see that she had more time on this earth to do something Instead of just wait it out. Her new statement of well I might live longer! Upsets me that its just manipulation. Is this a new layer of denial because she now is more immenintly closer to death? Her decision to refuse to make any changes has greatly impacted my life the last 10 years. Or is that my own fault. Difficult!
One boundary is a physical one, to show that you are serious. Move out.
Once she sees she cannot control you through the dangling of an inheritance, she might get her act together.
You aren't responsible for her happiness. Even if you choose to help her navigate her aging decline, you aren't required to provide the hands-on daily care, even if she wants it.
FYI unless she makes you her DPoA for finances and medical, you won't have any real power to manage her affairs legally anyway. She needs to know this. If she doesn't assign a PoA then she is on her way to become the ward of a court-assigned 3rd party legal guardian -- and it won't be you. The best thing you can do for her is to encourage her to get her legal ducks in a row and decisions made now, rather than in a crisis.
Do not give up any part of your young life to care for her daily -- she has the money and mind to do it herself if she wants to -- and you need to build the foundation of your life in your youth.
Maybe your Grandmother is depressed, which at her age would not be unusual. She should consider talking to her primary doctor about this. My Mom (96) was feeling depressed and her doc started her on the minimum dose of Lexapro and it helped her a lot with no side effects. I live next to my Mom and told her I would manage her care to give her the best quality of life possible, but that I wouldn't be doing things like helping her with hygiene, or camp out in her house orbiting around her needs. I'm still working PT and living life. My Mom lived hers and never even helped her own Mom since she had sisters who did that for her.
My mother was "dying" since I was a toddler. Or threatening to, or wanting to, or threatening to kill herself. I was 65 and she was 95 when that day finally came. And it had nothing to do with anything but old age and her heart wearing out.
Move out of grandma's house now. Stop buying into the manipulation once and for all. Live your own life, and by no means hand her another straw!