How to respond to Mom (92) who has early dementia, become aggressive and defiant?

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She has CHF, her dr. says she needs 24 hour care? She is physically capable to some degree, but very short of breath, and dementia present. She now insists on living alone after we spent a fortune on upgrading her apartment in our home. She thinks we are controlling her even though she cant remember to self medicate, when given meds, she will confront within 5 minutes that I never gave them to her at all.

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Can you convince her that the apartment in your home is a good place to live on her own? It is her apartment and you won't interfere with her life except for the things the doctor insists on.

Can you convince her that you need her -- that she would be doing you a favor if she stays in that apartment? (My mother finally consented to live with my sister and another sister took her aside and told her that since sister1 retired they were having trouble making their mortgage payments and needed someone to rent their extra space. Totally untrue, but it got Mom to move in.)

How would she react if you said you don't want to get into trouble for neglect by not carrying out the doctor's orders?

If you have to "force" her somewhere, it probably shouldn't be your house, for reasons Jessie shared. But if she is deemed competent to manage her own affairs, forcing her anywhere may be a real challenge. POA does not give you that power.
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This is in Cincinnati, (response to Jerry)
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Sorry to say you will need a guardianship to move her anywhere against her will. Things may have to get life threatening before that is possible. Keep a log of odd behaviors, date, time and witnesses. This isn't something that any of us want to do, but your mom needs to be protected from herself.
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Sounds like she knows she is losing control of her faculties and the fight or flight response is kicking in. When people are afraid they lash out, you just happen to be there and since she is your mom and you love her she assumes you will not abandon her no matter how bad she treats you. I of course am speaking from my own experience over the past 16 years. I may be way off base in your case, but worth consideration as a cause.
No one wants to admit they have lost control or are of diminished capacity. Possibly the more proud/independent/self confident an individual is to begin with, the more likely they are to fight it. We are conditioned to strive and the school of "Go peacefully into that good night" is widely rejected by our culture. Sorry, getting philosophical here but may ring true.
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Geriatric psychiatrists are often able to suss out the correct meds to ease agitation that causes the declining brain to panic and become agitated. I'm not talking about sedation. Before being prescribed antidepressants, which she initially refused, she was agitated about everything...will the aide be able to get here, what will I say to her, suppose she breaks the washing machine, what if her son wants to come into the house, what if it snows? She had a stroke and we were able to get her meds adjusted in rehab. I think our elders know that they are declining cognitively and feel panicked at the fact that they can't figure out the way to solve problems any longer.
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ba8alou, you are so right. I do not have personal experience but have heard if they misbehave too badly they run the possibility of being ordered to leave & find another place. Again, I have just heard this.
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If mom is combative and accusatory, I would not move her into my home. The possibilities for mischief ( mom reports you to police, she tells neighbors you are withholding meds and APS is called) are too great. In a facility, there is documentation. You can visit as a loving family and advocate for her.
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@kegdaughter, What area would that be?
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Where we are ASL apts. Are about $4500 a month. Hoping to start in independent with mom and it will be $3200.
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For much less money than the silent knight I got a small marble mortar and pestle set to grind pills and use a 50-50 solution of water and white vinegar to clean it out after each use. It evaporates and leaves no residue. Marble is not porous so I don't worry about contamination.
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