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She has CHF, her dr. says she needs 24 hour care? She is physically capable to some degree, but very short of breath, and dementia present. She now insists on living alone after we spent a fortune on upgrading her apartment in our home. She thinks we are controlling her even though she cant remember to self medicate, when given meds, she will confront within 5 minutes that I never gave them to her at all.

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Can you convince her that the apartment in your home is a good place to live on her own? It is her apartment and you won't interfere with her life except for the things the doctor insists on.

Can you convince her that you need her -- that she would be doing you a favor if she stays in that apartment? (My mother finally consented to live with my sister and another sister took her aside and told her that since sister1 retired they were having trouble making their mortgage payments and needed someone to rent their extra space. Totally untrue, but it got Mom to move in.)

How would she react if you said you don't want to get into trouble for neglect by not carrying out the doctor's orders?

If you have to "force" her somewhere, it probably shouldn't be your house, for reasons Jessie shared. But if she is deemed competent to manage her own affairs, forcing her anywhere may be a real challenge. POA does not give you that power.
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This is in Cincinnati, (response to Jerry)
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Sorry to say you will need a guardianship to move her anywhere against her will. Things may have to get life threatening before that is possible. Keep a log of odd behaviors, date, time and witnesses. This isn't something that any of us want to do, but your mom needs to be protected from herself.
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Sounds like she knows she is losing control of her faculties and the fight or flight response is kicking in. When people are afraid they lash out, you just happen to be there and since she is your mom and you love her she assumes you will not abandon her no matter how bad she treats you. I of course am speaking from my own experience over the past 16 years. I may be way off base in your case, but worth consideration as a cause.
No one wants to admit they have lost control or are of diminished capacity. Possibly the more proud/independent/self confident an individual is to begin with, the more likely they are to fight it. We are conditioned to strive and the school of "Go peacefully into that good night" is widely rejected by our culture. Sorry, getting philosophical here but may ring true.
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Geriatric psychiatrists are often able to suss out the correct meds to ease agitation that causes the declining brain to panic and become agitated. I'm not talking about sedation. Before being prescribed antidepressants, which she initially refused, she was agitated about everything...will the aide be able to get here, what will I say to her, suppose she breaks the washing machine, what if her son wants to come into the house, what if it snows? She had a stroke and we were able to get her meds adjusted in rehab. I think our elders know that they are declining cognitively and feel panicked at the fact that they can't figure out the way to solve problems any longer.
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ba8alou, you are so right. I do not have personal experience but have heard if they misbehave too badly they run the possibility of being ordered to leave & find another place. Again, I have just heard this.
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If mom is combative and accusatory, I would not move her into my home. The possibilities for mischief ( mom reports you to police, she tells neighbors you are withholding meds and APS is called) are too great. In a facility, there is documentation. You can visit as a loving family and advocate for her.
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@kegdaughter, What area would that be?
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Where we are ASL apts. Are about $4500 a month. Hoping to start in independent with mom and it will be $3200.
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For much less money than the silent knight I got a small marble mortar and pestle set to grind pills and use a 50-50 solution of water and white vinegar to clean it out after each use. It evaporates and leaves no residue. Marble is not porous so I don't worry about contamination.
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Not all assisted living homes are licensed by the state. If they are not licensed they are not regulated and there is no oversight. Those non-licensed facilities tend to be less expensive. Unfortunately if you have a problem with care, environment, food, etc in a non-licensed facility, your only recourse is to address it with administration and hope they fix it.
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Like PamStegman, I also found a cheap ASL for $2,600 a month. It isn't the best, but she has her own room, bath and I brought her bedroom furniture, one chair and TV. But it's an old place. The carpets are old, bathtub which she hates. But they have a beauty salon in the building. There are 80 residence of all stages. I told them I would wash her clothes, so I didn't put her name in them. She is missing some of her clothes and also new bath rugs. They have one old one in their now. The supply raggedy old towels and washcloths or they would take my Mother's and lose them. It's only 5 minutes from me. But all the other ASL are very expensive. She isn't very social but they have stuff to do for them. She has dementia and says no one talks to her, but she doesn't talk to anyone herself. A lot have dementia also so they can't communicate. And it's a little clicky in there. She's not happy, but no where else to place her. I'd like to put her in a residential home with just a few people, but there aren't any by me.
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I want to know where Pam Stegman found a nursing home for 3K too. It is between 7 and 9K here in MD. I had my brother in law in a Veteran's home where they only took his social security once he reached the end of his funds.. Even at that they only charged $4000. But the nicer homes really charge out the roof. Also I give meds ground up in applesauce. He doesn't mind taking them this way I had to buy an expensive "Silent Knight" to crush the pills. I was not able to crush them in the plastic crushers. My hands hurt so bad after a couple of days. I have arthritis in my hands. The "Silent Knight" I found on line. It was over $80.00 Expensive but worth it to me. By the way my dogs bark every time I use it. So it isn't silent either.
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1butterfly does the same thing I do. I keep my mother's medicines and give her the pills she needs right before it is time to take them. Getting the pills ready twice a day every day gets a little old, but she needs micro-managing when it comes to medications.

kewest, has your mother tried living in the apartment yet? If not, I wonder if she might consider a visit to see how it is. To move her in against her will might be setting your house up to be a living hell for you. To tell the truth, if my mother was fighting me, I wouldn't bring her into my home. I would look for a spot in assisted living. If it is better she live with you, I hope you're able to get her to move with good feelings.

You know... the more I read over the years, the more I feel like we have to beat our heads against the wall. I don't know why getting old has to be so difficult.
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Some types of POA are for medical decisions when person is not competent.
There are various forms of POA. Contact elder law attorney.
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These are such terrible problems you are all facing. My heart goes out to you. Don't forget to nurture yourselves.
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I found for me, that not to take things so personally & I also use a prayer bracelet. Med compliance seems to be a huge problem when some one suffers from Dementia. I would do my best not to engage Mom's ego but to love mom.
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I think this is incorrect" POA you can make the decision for her" May be true for health care proxy but POA's supposedly act at the direction of the person they represent.
Join a support group and discuss issues with peers who are great resources
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I also had to take control of the meds and must hide them. Aunt still occasionally accuses me of not giving them to her although I make a chart each day for her & uncle with space for am & pm which I then check off when they take them. Used to keep meds in cabinet. One night she took 4 days worth...thought I was going to have to take her to the ER but it finally wore off.
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See also the thread on 'mom is delusional,' I thought it had some great advice on not contradicting them.
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If you have POA you can make the decision for her and talk to social workers at ALs as well as at nursing homes. What ALs and nursing homes do in cases of aggression is give their clients sedatives. And pray for the situation - we were in a similar situation and God worked it out and I am so thankful to Him!!
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Pamstegman, where did you find an AL for that price? That would be great.
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We found that mom screwed up her meds badly. So badly that she got her INR triple what it should be, fell and ended up in ICU. Taking control of the meds was a good first step. Now get her anxiety meds and possibly an antidepressant.
Her dementia will not get better. She can no longer be alone, so your options are visiting nurses and aides. If she is still social and craves company, her best option is Assisted Living
We got mom into an 80 bed ALF for under $3K a month. She has friends her own age there. She loves the day trips, she loves dining with others.
We get to sleep at night, because she is safe and never alone.
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