23 taking care of Mom (51). How do I put her in a home?

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I'm 23 taking care of my 51 yr old mother. We're trying to figure out what's wrong with her. It has to be something in the frontal lobe because of how much her personality has changed. We had dementia ruled out, but I think he misdiagnosed her and we are searching for a second opinion. She has an IQ of 71 and her mental and emotional maturity varies between a 4 year old and a 13 year old. I can't go anywhere without her wanting me to buy something for her. She also has no judgement of what is socially acceptable. The other say we had a couple walk by us who were speaking spanish and she loudly asked me if they just spoke spanish around us because they know we can't understand it.

And another day when we were doing laundry at a coin op and she asked me if I would have sex with her.

Now, she's also not respecting my rules or personal space. I told her my room is off limits, but while I was away for a weekend on business she went in there and moved things. I have an old baby robot doll she's obsessed with and wants to have to sleep with, but it's just too creepy for me to let her have it. I have to lock my bedroom door in my own house. For now, she can take care of herself when I have to go away for a day or two. I check up on her every two hours and the place is still in one piece when I get back.

She's trying to get disability right now, but it's going to court and won't be resolved until august or later. I've been looking at homes that would take her and they range anywhere from 2k-7.5k a month. I don't know if I can make it until august, but I've only just started my career and I barely make 2k a month. What avenues can I look into? I have no idea where to start and I want to cry because I have no idea what to do.

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Asoren - I come from a family of alcoholics. What you are describing sounds like what my stepfather's doctor referred to as Wet Brain. Here is a description from Betty Ford Clinic - sound familiar?
The term “wet brain” is not scientifically valid, but refers to a very real condition known as Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome. This chronic brain syndrome is caused by long-term alcoholism and is accompanied by a triad of symptoms: (1) mental disturbance; (2) confusion, drowsiness, and paralysis of eye movements; and (3) ataxia, or a staggering gait. A primary cause for this is a thiamine (Vitamin B1) deficiency due to severe malnutrition and poor intestinal absorption of food and vitamins caused by alcohol. The wet-brain person acts much like the Alzheimer’s victim with loss of recent memory, disorientation with regard to time and place, confusion and confabulation, or telling imagined and untrue experiences as truth.
If the condition is related to the long-term alcoholism, it may not be diagnosed correctly if she does not tell doctors truth about her addiction. If you check online or call Alcoholics Anonymous, they can give you some more info on this. I speak from experience - it does not always get diagnosed because alcoholics lie to their doctors. hugs to you for your work - but get her the help she needs through social services. It needs serious medical help.
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Thank you. I found a few Adult home care places that I have sent emails out to. I tried today to get an appt with a different dementia doctor, but unlike the first guy she saw (who works with him) he doesn't take medicaid and just for a simple consult it would be $400. I also asked about the movement doctors they have in the neurology department. They do have a few who take her insurance, but she has to be referred. Wednesday we have an appt with the psychiatrist, so I'll ask her to make a referral from Jefferson Mental Health.
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OMG, the LAST thing you sound is immature. You sound like a very, very old soul. It sounds like the neurologist didn't do a very good job with your mom, but since you weren't involved, maybe you didn't get the whole truth of the matter from your mom. I wish I had a child as mature and caring as you are. You have my total respect. Good luck in getting your mom the services/care she needs. And DO NOT feel guilty about getting her help that isn't in your home. You deserve to be able to get your own life started without having to deal with your mom's long-standing issues. She is not your responsibility. Do what you can and no more.
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My dear, a person with medical and psychiatric issues needs a facility to care for her. She needs a daughter to advocate for that care. Call the adult protective services number for your city/county and get in touch with a caseworker. If you call any of the doctor's offices she's been seen in, they will be able to tell you which medicaid plan she's on. You need to report that she's a "vulnerable adult".
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She was tested for her IQ when everything started happening. Her family (two older sisters) want nothing to do with her. I don't speak with them. My dad (who won't even be in the same room as her) contacted one of my aunts, because he knew I wouldn't do it, but she never returned his email. She's burned a lot of bridges with asking for money, never paying it back, and never paying it back. I think she may have some level of narcissism . She was an alcoholic from the time I was 8 up until now, but she'll never admit to it. I don't buy alcohol for her. so she has no means of getting it hasn't had a drop since she moved in with me 6 month ago. Her former partner could no longer stand her and she was draining them of their money. I have more resolve and don't let her spend my money on things that aren't necessary for her to function.

She's incontinent,and wears pads and depends. She says she doesn't realize she has to pee until it's too late, like her brain doesn't know (her words). This was one of the first symptoms she had. The next thing to start was her personality. She went from a person who was negative and would throw tantrums like a child; to being happy go lucky all time, even when she gets mad at me for not letting her have her way, it only lasts 10mins. I should note she was heavily abused sexually before the age of 6, which can account for some of her prior personality problems. She also used speed for two years, but hasn't done it at all for 20 years.

She's been on an anti-depressant for a few years now. We are seeing a new Psychiatrist now who thinks she might have frontal lobe dementia brought on my alcoholism and drug abuse. My mother also has a delayed blink (I call it her dead stare, she'll look at me and it doesn't look like their's anyone behind her eyes, some days) and the doctors who did her IQ test say it takes her about 7 seconds to process auditory information, I don't think this is true for visual. The Psychiatrist says it could also be Parkinson, or Huntington's dementia. Her mother had Alzheimers and ALS,which she died of at the age of 74 (in 1992 when when my mother was 29). I believe her grandmother also had either dementia or ALS, I'm not certain. It wasn't both though. Both her parents were heavy alcoholics, only quitting a year or two before their deaths.

We saw the head of Neurology at University hospital who told her it was all in her head, like someone who loses function of an arm or leg, but it's not because of a medical condition. I think he's full of crap. I wasn't with her when this one going on, it was with her ex partner. I just learned last week that this doctor is also a specialist in Dementia, so I have no idea now. The Psychiatrist wants her to see a Movement disorder doctor.

She has medicaid, but i don't know which plan it is and she doesn't know either. I have no idea how to do any of this stuff. I figured I would have time to learn when I had kids. I'm so thankful I don't right now, I don't think I could handle it.

I know I sound immature, but I really hate this responsibility. I want to focus on my career. She barely took care of me as a child, I have a mother complex due to her. Friends and my dad have to remind me not to mother them. My dad raised me on his own from 11, when he divorced her, and I'm starting to feel like she doesn't deserve me taking care of her. I can't throw her on to the streets, I don't have it in me, and for a few months I felt guilt over putting her into a home and her being so young. She cries when ever bring it up (I don't want to blindside her) My therapist said I have complicated grief due to the bond that was made with her as a baby, and since it wasn't broken before the age of 6 I still feel some sort of wired in loyalty to her. I'm getting over the guilt when it comes to a home now. She's just crossed too many of my personal boundaries.

Thank you all for the helpful advice. :)
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OH WOW you need to call social services and get help placing her. She cannot be left alone in her current state, but she can be assigned to a group home for mentally disabled adults.
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Oh my, you have such a heavy burden to bear at such a young age. I am so, sorry you have to face this - and it sounds like you're alone in facing this - do you have any siblings or aunts and uncles who could help you out and share the burden? Does mom have any friends? Does she have a history of mental illness or drug or alcohol abuse? More background on her history would be helpful.

Since your mom is so young, I'm not sure if she'd qualify for senior service help, but you could call your local Agency Area on Aging to see if she might. Another avenue would be to go to the National Alliance on Mental Illness at nami.org and find your local chapter and see if they might be able to give you some support as to next steps to get your mom some help.

Freqflyer's suggestions are good ones and I'm sure you'll get others. Please keep us posted on what you're able to do - this is a wonderful support platform and we all learn from each other. Hugs to you - you're a wonderful child to try to support your mom through this.
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How do you come to know that your mom's IQ is 71? Has she been developmentally disabled all her life, or is this a recent change? Has anyone done imaging to look for a tumor?
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asoren, both of you are so very young to be going through this. If you feel your Mom needs someone to care for her while you are at work, check with Medicaid to see if your Mom would qualify... if she does, there might be a program where an Aide could come to the house every now or then to help out for a couple of hours.

I would also go to a new doctor to see what medical issues your Mom has... if dementia is found, sound like your Mom might have dementia since your Mom has lost the ability to filter what she says, that would help you with Medicaid to find a home where Medicaid will help pay for 24-hour care.

Whatever you do, do not stop your career unless all avenues are exhausted. Keep looking, even if it means going back to the beginning and asking again.
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