How are you processing being a caregiver if you are in your 30's?

My view may be somewhat different.....not sure. On the fence, really because I totally get both views, and why. I am 36, and have been caregiver for my mom for 7 years, so since I was 29, and I live with her to care for her. It's really hard to watch your vibrant, go getter, mother turn very sick. I'm almost positive she has beginners dementia. In my situation I will not place my mother in skilled nursing care, unless it's my last choice and option. She carried me nine months, and cared for me 18 yrs. I am not going to pretend it's easy, because it's not. I have put alot of my life on hold. Although, I did start college back in fall to work towards a long time dream. I'm also rasing my 14yr oldson without any support or help from his father. To say I have alot on my hands is a understatement. Somehow I make it all work. My advice to you would be to access how bad your mom's dementia is, and go from there. Nursing may be the best, and safest place for her. That's how I'd make the de cision. What's truly best for her, because I'm sure that's what you want for her as well. It's so tough, I know. Sorry your sister is no help. Couldn't imagine having a living sibling that wouldn't help any with their own mother. You know what's best for you, and mom, so I hope you will update us, and let us know how every thing is going. You can't beat yourself up, we all are human. Take care, best wishes to your family:-)

So sorry Lena...I was a caregiver for my husband for only less than a month...and I couldn't process it or do it and I'm 65.. So don't beat yourself up ...there's nothing harder than caregiving. My husband was a big man (200 lbs) and could hardly get out of bed..so it was very physically hard to deal with getting him up..and back to bed. I was looking around for a facility when he died...so take care of yourself first.

Don't worry... It is early enough that there are many things you can do to reverse many of the symptoms.. There is alot that is being done in the medical community if you do some homework on the internet. Getting trials going and peer reviews will take a few years to confirm the findings but you can start to do some of the recommendations your self and your moms symptoms will become immediately more manageable. I have done these things and am documenting it on video and in a journal so I have the proof because medical community can't verify individual research..... BUt video taping your own before and after videos will work. You can start right away to video tape your mom... and then right after you start some of the protocols and see the difference on video. It works... There are many MD's doing studies right now.. It should not be difficult. There is no time for trials.. you just have to start.

Good Morning,
First of all I need you to not feel guilty. I know this is hard but you sound as though you have done all you can do. I am 53 and have been caring for my Mom who is 89 for a long time now. Recently she came to live with my husband and I and it is tough because we are having a hard time finding a caregiver since we live in an area that is not highly populated. It is not an easy job period. There are some days where I just sit and have a good cry and others where I smile and thank God for all the memories he is supplying me with. Back to you. This sounds like something you truly wanted to do because it was on your heart. I think it sounds like you are making the right decision for your Mom and for you. Just because she is being placed in a facility does not mean you cannot be a part of her care. You still have lots of time to live your life. You are only in your 30's. You will and should feel wonderful about all you have done for your parents. What a blessing that you go to do this for them. I hope that your future is bright and you are happy in what ever you do. I hope you get your career back so that you can live your life because you have certainly done your part.

You will STILL be taking care of your Mom as you will over see her care. In the memory care unit. Don't feel you have let anyone down. Look at Teepa Snow on google or you tube. She is an excellent source of advice.

Lena --
I was a caregiver when I was 28. I hope you follow through on your prayer to God to give you the strength to finish your masters of accounting program and resume your life. You are living in a different world than I was when, with my parents' help, I became a caregiver to my husband in 1959 and a widow with two children a year later. Place your mother before caregiving takes a physical toll on you.

I just read Pekegal's response above. It offers excellent, excellent advice. Heed her words. I, too, am in my 50's, and have sought out the counsel of many of my friends who are and have been going through the very things we are facing now with the care of their parents/loved ones. But the most valuable advice I have been giving is that I must take care of myself or I am no good to anyone. It is hard to think of myself but I know I must. I am starting to get burned out and exhausted. Again, good luck and keep us posted.

My dear Lena ~ Let me start by saying you have done the right thing. Look for the best memory care facility you can for your Mom. My gosh, in your 30's and your Mom is very young. The course of dementia in someone diagnosed at that age is from 3 to 30 years. If you try to take care of her yourself you may very well end up spending the majority of your adult life with 24/7 care of her. Trust me, dementia does not get any better, it gets worse. Meds can help manage their moods but ultimately this is a brain disease. If you read other posts on this site, you will begin to realize that while taking care of your Mom is a noble endeavor, it will ultimately damage YOUR health, well-being and can and will cause you many feelings -- doubt, guilt, regret, anger, hopelessness -- as well as fatigue. You have already given up your job, next you will begin to feel you can never leave her alone and you will start feeling exhausted and burned out. Sit back, take a deep breath, and think -- do you want to spend quite possibly the next 30 years caregiving 24/7?

As I stated above, find the best facility for your Mom and visit often. She will be safe, warm, dry, fed, cared for. But don't let the guilt consume you. You have done the best by your Mom. I highly recommend the Teepa Snow videos on You Tube. Search them out. Please take the time (and there are many of them) to watch them in their entirety. They are SO HELPFUL understanding dementia for caregivers. Unfortunately, my Mom is 86, frail, fell and broke her leg, and is now in "rehab" but I know will eventually transition to long term care there. It is very hard to digest all of this as it happened 2 days after Christmas and it has been a nightmare dealing with the CNAs (aides) and LPNs in the rehab/nursing home. I must be diligent now in getting her the proper care but I know in my heart I could NEVER handle the intensive 24/7 care that she requires. Do I feel guilty? You bet but I know it's for the best.

Good luck to you, dear. And whatever you do, try not to feel guilty. Seek out some caregivers support groups in your area. Stay in school and by all means finish your CPA exam. You will not regret it. And come back to this forum and let us know how your doing. We care.

Lena, I'm so sorry that you've had to cope with so much at your young age.

A memory unity is the only way to go. Even though your grandparents don't like the idea, they don't understand the dementia. Also, they probably have an outdated idea about care homes. While there are still some bad ones (much depends on where we live), most have improved. Many are wonderful.

You'll be around to keep an eye on things. You just won't be solely responsible and you'll be able to get on with your life at least to some degree.

You've honored the spirit of the promise you made to your dad. You need to do what is best for all. The following article may help you.
Blessings,
Carol
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/I-promised-my-parents-I-d-never-put-them-in-a-nursing-home-133904.htm

God Bless you Lena. A lot of praying and crying go hand in had with caregiving. I am not in my 30s but it saddens me that you are. I've got probably 20 years on you and I can tell you nothing has been harder. I am glad to hear that you are headed to memory care. You are not a failure. You are getting your mom the care she needs. My mom has never lived with me because her Alzheimer's was already beyond what could be handled at my home with the resources we had to work with. This has never lessened all the weight of responsibility that goes with caregiving. So many times I would think if I only had her in my home things would be okay on my watch. A wise friend, who's walked way too many miles as a caregiver, reminds me that's not true. Things happen anyway and they do. Mom's Alzheimer's is advanced but I'm finally more like me. I've been through getting my parents from their home into AL, through dad's death, hospitalizations, mom's move to a nursing home and the million things in between. I can honestly say she's where she needs to be right now. She's doing well where she's at and is getting everything she needs and more than I even knew she needed. The memory care will be part of your team. You'll still bear the weight of heavy responsibility. It will still be more than you can bear at times. Please take care of you. Get counseling. You are keeping your promise to your dad. He would understand. He would want you to take care of yourself. I made the same promise to my dad, but promises aside, I love my mom, and I can't meet all her needs. I can get them met though and most importantly, I can love her. My prayers will be with you.

Thank you for your kind words, Lena! I know it was a really difficult decision to make about moving your mom to memory care. We are waiting for a space for my grandpa to open up at a nursing home. It is very nerve wracking and not a good feeling, but there just is a point when the person requires way more care and supervision than an individual (or even a few family members) can provide at home.

You were doing really well in school -- that is wonderful! Best of luck whether you return to school or start a new job!

Thank you so much for your encoraging words lindylu. Now I have anxiety about getting a call that a bed is available. There are so many emotions to try to process during this season. I know your mom was thankful that yall were willing to help. Thank you for sharing your story.

Thank you for sharing your story as well tacy022. Sorry for the loss of your boyfriends dad. Im an accountant and i enjoyed my job but i know that something better will be waiting for me on the other side of this season. I was mid way through my masters of accounting program with a 4.0 when everything happened and I was sitting for the CPA exam but im praying God gives me the strength to finish what i started. I pray you find a better job than what you had and wish you the best.

First of all, Lena, oh my gosh, I can't believe you are handling all of this on your own! I am so sorry that you are dealing with so much, but it sounds like you made a really good decision for both your mom and yourself.

I am 40 now and have just helped my mom care for my grandparents, and was never their primary caregiver. I know what you have been doing is way different and I hope others in their 30s who have experienced caring for loved ones will write. I am mostly writing just to hope others will comment but also to tell you that your decision sounds very smart and to wish you well!

We started helping my grandparents when my sister and I were in our 20s and my mom her early 40s. We did not know what we were getting into and did not realize how much they had declined till we moved them close to us. I do not regret being there for my grandparents, am grateful that I had the kind of grandparents that I wanted to be around and also that I was able to help. However, there are lots of decisions we would have made differently had we known more. It is exhausting and I feel it changed the way I see old age for sure.

I really feel for you. I hope your sister will offer you more support, and I hope you can take time to start building the kind of life you want for yourself. Best wishes to you and your mom.