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Are there any other caregivers in their 30's? In July of 2014 my parents became unable to care for themselves four days apart. I took FMLA leave but eventually left my job. It was the best decision I ever made because my dad unfortunately died a year later. I'm so thankful for the time we spent together. I was his full time caregiver while in a rehab hospital and nursing home because of lack of care from the staff. My dad had a second stroke but he was mentally there and able to talk. He was unable to walk but was working hard in therapy up until he had another stroke in 2015. My mom was diagnosed with frontotemporal dementia at 59. Since my dads passing in July 2015 my moms dementia is progressing. Today after a lot of praying and crying I put the deposit down for memory care. I feel like a failure because I told my Dad I would take care of her. She is refusing medicine and not wanting to listen to anything I say. She is physically OK and able to do a lot of things but needs reminders and guidance. She doesn't cook and sometimes refuses to eat. She is currently hallucinating and acting out on the people she see. Its been very hard trying to sneak her medicine into her drinks. Also we don't get much sleep. I know overall placing her is what's best for her but its hard when I watched and had to report nurses and CNA's while my dad was in the hospital. I'm 33 and my moms siblings tell me that I need to live my life. Her parents want me to continue taking care of her at home but they don't try to understand the disease. They don't understand that I need help. My siblings have been hands off since 2014. I thought if I moved my mom from FL to SC my sister would help but she hasn't.

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First of all, Lena, oh my gosh, I can't believe you are handling all of this on your own! I am so sorry that you are dealing with so much, but it sounds like you made a really good decision for both your mom and yourself.

I am 40 now and have just helped my mom care for my grandparents, and was never their primary caregiver. I know what you have been doing is way different and I hope others in their 30s who have experienced caring for loved ones will write. I am mostly writing just to hope others will comment but also to tell you that your decision sounds very smart and to wish you well!

We started helping my grandparents when my sister and I were in our 20s and my mom her early 40s. We did not know what we were getting into and did not realize how much they had declined till we moved them close to us. I do not regret being there for my grandparents, am grateful that I had the kind of grandparents that I wanted to be around and also that I was able to help. However, there are lots of decisions we would have made differently had we known more. It is exhausting and I feel it changed the way I see old age for sure.

I really feel for you. I hope your sister will offer you more support, and I hope you can take time to start building the kind of life you want for yourself. Best wishes to you and your mom.
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Thank you so much for your encoraging words lindylu. Now I have anxiety about getting a call that a bed is available. There are so many emotions to try to process during this season. I know your mom was thankful that yall were willing to help. Thank you for sharing your story.

Thank you for sharing your story as well tacy022. Sorry for the loss of your boyfriends dad. Im an accountant and i enjoyed my job but i know that something better will be waiting for me on the other side of this season. I was mid way through my masters of accounting program with a 4.0 when everything happened and I was sitting for the CPA exam but im praying God gives me the strength to finish what i started. I pray you find a better job than what you had and wish you the best.
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Thank you for your kind words, Lena! I know it was a really difficult decision to make about moving your mom to memory care. We are waiting for a space for my grandpa to open up at a nursing home. It is very nerve wracking and not a good feeling, but there just is a point when the person requires way more care and supervision than an individual (or even a few family members) can provide at home.

You were doing really well in school -- that is wonderful! Best of luck whether you return to school or start a new job!
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God Bless you Lena. A lot of praying and crying go hand in had with caregiving. I am not in my 30s but it saddens me that you are. I've got probably 20 years on you and I can tell you nothing has been harder. I am glad to hear that you are headed to memory care. You are not a failure. You are getting your mom the care she needs. My mom has never lived with me because her Alzheimer's was already beyond what could be handled at my home with the resources we had to work with. This has never lessened all the weight of responsibility that goes with caregiving. So many times I would think if I only had her in my home things would be okay on my watch. A wise friend, who's walked way too many miles as a caregiver, reminds me that's not true. Things happen anyway and they do. Mom's Alzheimer's is advanced but I'm finally more like me. I've been through getting my parents from their home into AL, through dad's death, hospitalizations, mom's move to a nursing home and the million things in between. I can honestly say she's where she needs to be right now. She's doing well where she's at and is getting everything she needs and more than I even knew she needed. The memory care will be part of your team. You'll still bear the weight of heavy responsibility. It will still be more than you can bear at times. Please take care of you. Get counseling. You are keeping your promise to your dad. He would understand. He would want you to take care of yourself. I made the same promise to my dad, but promises aside, I love my mom, and I can't meet all her needs. I can get them met though and most importantly, I can love her. My prayers will be with you.
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Lena, I'm so sorry that you've had to cope with so much at your young age.

A memory unity is the only way to go. Even though your grandparents don't like the idea, they don't understand the dementia. Also, they probably have an outdated idea about care homes. While there are still some bad ones (much depends on where we live), most have improved. Many are wonderful.

You'll be around to keep an eye on things. You just won't be solely responsible and you'll be able to get on with your life at least to some degree.

You've honored the spirit of the promise you made to your dad. You need to do what is best for all. The following article may help you.
Blessings,
Carol
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/I-promised-my-parents-I-d-never-put-them-in-a-nursing-home-133904.htm
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My dear Lena ~ Let me start by saying you have done the right thing. Look for the best memory care facility you can for your Mom. My gosh, in your 30's and your Mom is very young. The course of dementia in someone diagnosed at that age is from 3 to 30 years. If you try to take care of her yourself you may very well end up spending the majority of your adult life with 24/7 care of her. Trust me, dementia does not get any better, it gets worse. Meds can help manage their moods but ultimately this is a brain disease. If you read other posts on this site, you will begin to realize that while taking care of your Mom is a noble endeavor, it will ultimately damage YOUR health, well-being and can and will cause you many feelings -- doubt, guilt, regret, anger, hopelessness -- as well as fatigue. You have already given up your job, next you will begin to feel you can never leave her alone and you will start feeling exhausted and burned out. Sit back, take a deep breath, and think -- do you want to spend quite possibly the next 30 years caregiving 24/7?

As I stated above, find the best facility for your Mom and visit often. She will be safe, warm, dry, fed, cared for. But don't let the guilt consume you. You have done the best by your Mom. I highly recommend the Teepa Snow videos on You Tube. Search them out. Please take the time (and there are many of them) to watch them in their entirety. They are SO HELPFUL understanding dementia for caregivers. Unfortunately, my Mom is 86, frail, fell and broke her leg, and is now in "rehab" but I know will eventually transition to long term care there. It is very hard to digest all of this as it happened 2 days after Christmas and it has been a nightmare dealing with the CNAs (aides) and LPNs in the rehab/nursing home. I must be diligent now in getting her the proper care but I know in my heart I could NEVER handle the intensive 24/7 care that she requires. Do I feel guilty? You bet but I know it's for the best.

Good luck to you, dear. And whatever you do, try not to feel guilty. Seek out some caregivers support groups in your area. Stay in school and by all means finish your CPA exam. You will not regret it. And come back to this forum and let us know how your doing. We care.
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I just read Pekegal's response above. It offers excellent, excellent advice. Heed her words. I, too, am in my 50's, and have sought out the counsel of many of my friends who are and have been going through the very things we are facing now with the care of their parents/loved ones. But the most valuable advice I have been giving is that I must take care of myself or I am no good to anyone. It is hard to think of myself but I know I must. I am starting to get burned out and exhausted. Again, good luck and keep us posted.
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Lena --
I was a caregiver when I was 28. I hope you follow through on your prayer to God to give you the strength to finish your masters of accounting program and resume your life. You are living in a different world than I was when, with my parents' help, I became a caregiver to my husband in 1959 and a widow with two children a year later. Place your mother before caregiving takes a physical toll on you.
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You will STILL be taking care of your Mom as you will over see her care. In the memory care unit. Don't feel you have let anyone down. Look at Teepa Snow on google or you tube. She is an excellent source of advice.
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Good Morning,
First of all I need you to not feel guilty. I know this is hard but you sound as though you have done all you can do. I am 53 and have been caring for my Mom who is 89 for a long time now. Recently she came to live with my husband and I and it is tough because we are having a hard time finding a caregiver since we live in an area that is not highly populated. It is not an easy job period. There are some days where I just sit and have a good cry and others where I smile and thank God for all the memories he is supplying me with. Back to you. This sounds like something you truly wanted to do because it was on your heart. I think it sounds like you are making the right decision for your Mom and for you. Just because she is being placed in a facility does not mean you cannot be a part of her care. You still have lots of time to live your life. You are only in your 30's. You will and should feel wonderful about all you have done for your parents. What a blessing that you go to do this for them. I hope that your future is bright and you are happy in what ever you do. I hope you get your career back so that you can live your life because you have certainly done your part.
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Don't worry... It is early enough that there are many things you can do to reverse many of the symptoms.. There is alot that is being done in the medical community if you do some homework on the internet. Getting trials going and peer reviews will take a few years to confirm the findings but you can start to do some of the recommendations your self and your moms symptoms will become immediately more manageable. I have done these things and am documenting it on video and in a journal so I have the proof because medical community can't verify individual research..... BUt video taping your own before and after videos will work. You can start right away to video tape your mom... and then right after you start some of the protocols and see the difference on video. It works... There are many MD's doing studies right now.. It should not be difficult. There is no time for trials.. you just have to start.
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So sorry Lena...I was a caregiver for my husband for only less than a month...and I couldn't process it or do it and I'm 65.. So don't beat yourself up ...there's nothing harder than caregiving. My husband was a big man (200 lbs) and could hardly get out of bed..so it was very physically hard to deal with getting him up..and back to bed. I was looking around for a facility when he died...so take care of yourself first.
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My view may be somewhat different.....not sure. On the fence, really because I totally get both views, and why. I am 36, and have been caregiver for my mom for 7 years, so since I was 29, and I live with her to care for her. It's really hard to watch your vibrant, go getter, mother turn very sick. I'm almost positive she has beginners dementia. In my situation I will not place my mother in skilled nursing care, unless it's my last choice and option. She carried me nine months, and cared for me 18 yrs. I am not going to pretend it's easy, because it's not. I have put alot of my life on hold. Although, I did start college back in fall to work towards a long time dream. I'm also rasing my 14yr oldson without any support or help from his father. To say I have alot on my hands is a understatement. Somehow I make it all work. My advice to you would be to access how bad your mom's dementia is, and go from there. Nursing may be the best, and safest place for her. That's how I'd make the de cision. What's truly best for her, because I'm sure that's what you want for her as well. It's so tough, I know. Sorry your sister is no help. Couldn't imagine having a living sibling that wouldn't help any with their own mother. You know what's best for you, and mom, so I hope you will update us, and let us know how every thing is going. You can't beat yourself up, we all are human. Take care, best wishes to your family:-)
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Lena first of all I commend you for your desire to do the right thing and for being a great daughter. I am now in my early forties and started caring for my parents at 31. My dad needed kidney dialysis then transplanted 2 years later in 2003. And then my mom also needed kidney dialysis and subsequently transplanted a few years later. They were in their late 60s and there was no way they could manage the medicine regimen and multiple doctors appointments. They were in and out of the hospital. It is very hard to look back and see how my career didn't evolve. I'm still not making what I was making when I stopped working. your career development definitely will take a hit as well as your retirement account. KELLYB I also had a child I was raising who is now a young man. It is really hard at times to know neglecting my career didn't allow me to provide much better for him. I love my parents as many of us on this forum do. Caregiving is a very difficult job and the sibling that takes on the majority of the responsibility takes the hardest economic and emotional hit. Good luck Lena. It sounds like you are doing the very best you can.
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Not knowing the age (obviously quite advanced, but a substantial range is possible) or health of Lena's grandparents, I was wondering whether they would have been able to get involved at all, such as keeping their daughter company some of the time or feeding her. Even token help would probably be of some encouragement, and allowing some respite would be beneficial to Lena.
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Lena, so young. I too am a now unemployed but looking accountant and former BOM. I only spent about 4 months living with my mother on hospice. This is exhausting, stressful, and overwhelming at times. My mother was old and frail but she did not have any dementia or Alzheimers, thankfully. If she did, however, I would have no choice but to put her in a long term care facility. I am simply not qualified. I was not and AM NOT qualified to care for someone with these illnesses for 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I lost 32 pounds, dark circles under my eyes and now I am having trouble finding a comparable job to the one i had. Do what is best for your Mom, and find professional behavioral and MH health care at a LTC home. It is too much to ask of 1 person. Do not feel guilty because if you choose to go the LTC route at a good quality home, you will be doing the right thing for your mom. Hypothetically speaking, if you did stay with her, can you do the mental evaluations? Prescribe the right meds for her condition or when she has signs of anxiety and agitation? No. Your Mom needs professional help and you cannot throw your life and education away. Would your Mom want you to do that? I doubt it. Do what is best for your Mom. I am sorry if, it is your grandparents, dont understand, but frankly, you are too young and it is too much. What would your mother want you to do?. I think you already know the answer. Would your mom want you to quit school and live with her alone until you are 50 or 60? Pls do not feel guilty....do the right thing. i understand that with these diseases, there will be a point where she wont even know who you are, her daughter. What would your Mom want you to do, never mind the naysayers.
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LENA: READ. LISTEN. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO KILL YOURSELF OVER THIS.
Memory Care is the way to go, you can't help your mother 'recover', the course of the disease is inevitable. You have done far more than most. Please please please read these messages. Destroying your life (and it will be that, destruction of your life) isn't going to make your mother all better. you could die before she does. Heck, mine is now in a nursing home, is doing absolutely GREAT, though I lose a lot of my health, wealth, and happiness until I got her in there. (I swore I was not going to endanger my marriage or retirement savings no matter what.) Good luck to you, I wish you happiness in the rest of your life
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Bless your heart Lena...I do believe you are making the best decision by putting your Mom in a care center. She can get round the clock care and you can still be a part of her life without having the sole responsibility of her. You are too young to have to go it alone and you do need to live your own life. Don't be so hard on yourself.....and don't feel guilty. I would suggest the book, The 36 Hour Day...a book about caregiving for those with dementia...it clears up a lot of questions and helps you to look at all the ins and outs of caring for someone you love.
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First off, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. My mom passed for dementia last year. I was 47 with two useless siblings who did nothing. I couldn't imagine losing my mom at your age. You are to be commended and praised for what you did for your dad and ate doing for your mom. Second of all, get help! If placement makes sense then do that! It's ok and you're not failing anyone in any way. Providing the level of care necessary is very hard when you're doing it alone. Please check back I. With us and trust your heart!
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Although young, you will experience caregiving burnout.
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There is no right or wrong answers - care giving especially to our parents will shake us up like no other; there is no process, no preparation for it...when this challenge comes hang on to your support system. It sucks, a lot of tears, helplessness, guilt, patience, clueless moments and challenges, in the end all that matters is we need to be strong inside for them...Stay positive no matter how rough it gets.
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Wow...everyone is asking tooooooo much of you!! You are doing the right thing...sounds like you can't help your mother anymore...and she will get better care with the experts. and you are toooooooooooo young to give up your life...and no one should ask you to do this. people love to judge...but NO ONE will come and help you...nothing new! stay strong...live your life!!
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I am doing the same for the last 3 years and I am 38 now. I met husband and was dating him a year before she became ill. I just got married and my husband is okay with caring for a parent at home as he sees it as what he is used to seeing grandparents at home in his home culture who also needed assistance. He is not used to the idea of placing a parent in a care home, but he is supportive and knows that if that day comes where I can't do this anymore, we will do that. He is able to help out and I've scheduled in a regular "fun" event to go to a couple nights a week and maybe a friend night. It is harder to get out, network and to meet new people and luckily I have a couple of supportive friends. Friends have to visit me more. It is sometimes hard to explain what I am doing to others my age I find. It is not the norm of what people my age are doing, that is for sure. I had to move into a city with more day programs. Day programs don't cover evenings though and that is when many 30 year olds go out to socialize after 8-5 jobs. There is a day program nearby and I am using that to find time to do school online, but it is not easy. I feel like I have very little rest time. Some things are okay though like mom comes with me to run errands, eats the meals we make and seems to enjoy moments when I am present or we are as a family. She seems to keep talking about things she did in the past. I visited a few memory care places and felt my mom would not adjust well so I am putting that off for now. However, she still talks about what she used to do in her home town as if it will still happen the next day- that is painful for me as she has since moved. I could not keep caring for mom if I were younger and not married. That was the hardest part. It is too hard if interested in meeting someone and starting one's own family. I will just see how this goes as so far with the day program and me focusing on school online, it is working okay. I think probably placing a parent when this age is the best thing to do unless having really good family support around maybe or in home assistance coordinated. I give her all meals and assist with a lot more. The day program is helpful as it is close, but I think I really need a good 8 hour day to myself to finish the online program. It all gets expensive, too, and I care homes are probably less that trying to get the help in the home. one needs. We have our nice moments though with her at home. It kind of keeps me organized to stay busy. I had to quit my other job as this is more than a full time job.
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Yes I think if you have the strength to place her in a home, I would probably recommend. Caring for a parent with a long term illness is a lot of work, extremely time consuming (without some kind of day program or in home assistance) and way too much for one person, alone, for sure!! My mom also now doesn't want others helping her with ADL's..she just refuses assistance at the day program. I think if you place her maybe sooner she would get used to others helping her, too. I guess I wouldn't wish the same on someone else near my age, although I am caring for mom by choice. If there are no day programs or other high level of other care support for breaks, it would really, really wear a person down emotionally and physically. If I had been alone doing this, without my partner and extremely understanding friends my age, it would have not been possible emotionally for me, personally. Even with all that said, it has its nice moments and difficult, as well, still. Reach out if you want to talk. Thanks!
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Lena:
I am also 33 and going through something similar. My father passed away at age 64 and right around the same time that he got really sick, my mom was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's. She does not believe she has the disease yet I have had to quit my job and move in with her also because she doesn't eat on her own and can't take care of her house. I don't feel right putting her in assisted living (why are there not assisted living facilities for early-onset?? She is only 63 and I don't want to take her entire life away and surround her by 90-year-olds). Besides, she has just lost her husband and had so many life changes that it would be very detrimental to her. She also hates me because according to her I "stole" her car keys and forced her to live a "miserable" life by taking away all her independence. Anyone who imposes the new limitations of this disease (i.e. me and the doctors) is evil and crazy in her eyes. The verbal abuse got so bad that we had to get her on anti-depressants to calm down her temper tantrums.

Most importantly, Lena, and everyone else in this forum who has had to become a 24/7 caregiver at such a young age, if your parent or loved one has Alzheimer's/ Dementia, there is a support group for caregivers under 40 through the Alzheimer's Association which has really helped a lot. We have a google meet-up every other week and I have gotten a lot of support and really good ideas from the girls in the group, ,most of whom have been doing this for many years and are very experienced. It's also nice to have people to talk to about this who understand. If you'd like more information feel free to contact me!
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Tacy022... I feel exactly like you... my dad recently passed away, due to many health problems, which I think my mother caused many. She has dementia, is narcisstic and very controlling, along with being a liar. Due to the disease, I guess... she has sucked the very life out of me. Looking back, caused my divorce, lost the connection I had with my only son, and I'm am the only caregiver. I do everything for her, but she will tell people, I am a very bad person, cannot trust me, tries to take control etc.....

I purchased a book for mother, to help deal with dad's passing.... How would you feel, if you sister in law, who you are not very close too, but is to mom because she calls her everyday, thinking (and I'm not exaggerating) that she is mother Teresa.. I think she has something wrong with her too... but, after finding out that I bought the book, for mother, she said, "make sure you tell her we appreciate the thoughtfulness of her gift to you".... like I'm some outsider, dealing with all the hatefulness, hopelessness and deceitful ways of my mother?
My question is: how would you feel? I'm her daughter, been there for everything, for my father, for her, but my sister in law acts like I'm some family friend or something. Am I being hateful, jealous, a bitch or what.... I am so confused everyday with dealing with my mother, but she has everyone thinking she is a very sweet, kind loving individual, while I'm a hateful bitch..... am I crazy? I feel like I am....my life too, is completely on hold. Everyone thinks that I'm some kind of witch, and treats my mom with cruelty...I guess... please, need some help sorting this out...my family, is out, because they don't want to hear it, or help out and they have lives that don't include my parents, and never have.
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dearest Hopeless2016! Wow...your father and you have been abused by your mother all his and your life...and you are taking care of her??? your story breaks my heart...because you are looking for love from a mother who has never given you love...and is emotionally abusive on top of it...and i guess thru the years...you have tried, over, and over, and over, and over to win her over!! my god...i wish you had the strength to leave her and fine your own life with someone that will love you and make you feel special...like i'm sure that you are!!!! my prayers are with you!!
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Hello Lena,
Tragic, but it feels better to hear that I am not the only one in this situation. Although I was 38 when my (widowed) mother Diane was diagnosed 4 years ago, I still haven't settled down yet, tons of problems to solve for my Mother and no support whatsoever from institutions, government or siblings, including sister or aunts and uncles. We have a special situation that leaves me isolated with my mother in Florence, which is not too bad a place, as my parents had moved to Italy from Canada when I was 11yo, ironically for the same reasons, as my grandparents were getting older and less self sufficient. There too, I remember being left with them alone at their house in the summer several days.

This tragic neurological degeneration first gets a toll on you, makes you take leave from your work and you soon become redundant from your job, your relationship starts failing and it is hard to start a new one.
To be optimist, things can only get better. After loosing my father, my mother lost her memory, she lost her autonomy, I lost my freedom, lost my job, lost my partner, lost my family and siblings who all disappeared into selfishness, lost my house when I started renting it out to pay for a caregiver for Diane and we'll loose her house when she will go and my sister will force me to sell it.
So things have been going pretty much downhill the past few years. Lost myself a bit too. I was told to look after myself, as it is the case, at this stage, when few of the people surrounding you realize that you have no life, although they wouldn't have the solution or advice on how to do that, other than telling you to put her into a home.
So I will read this thread carefully and see if there are any other solutions, otherwise, she'll end her time at home with the caregiver this year and I'll find a nice place for her, rent her house to pay for it, get my home back and possibly my life... if I don't have to manage the home full time to make sure they take good care of her. We still have to visit and probably spend most or all of our spare time visiting our loved one, who normally refuses to go into a home.. but she thinks she is still sane.
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thank you lifeexperiences... you have know idea, just hearing kind, thoughtful words, even from a stranger has warmed my heart. Yes, I still take care of her, even after my dad's passing. There are so many times, I just want to scream. Especially, after taking care of her as a nursemaid, housekeeper and personal assistant. She is OH so pleasant, and working on everyone's sympathy after dad passed. I listen to her put me down, and "I'll tell you after she leaves" to the other person, and they turn their noses up at me, or don't even acknowledge me. I lost my job, my husband, my son, my self-worth, like everyone else, I am trying to find the lost "me" in all of this mess. It is very hard, being by myself. But, reading these threads has helped immensely!!!!

Thanks again for your words and understanding!!
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thank you too Tacy...... I came home just now, from running around for her, after making 5 phone calls to different agencies, for her health ins, dad's life insurance, medicare, social security etc......then the grocery shopping and mailing out her mail... My cousin calls, (dope head) who never comes around unless he needs money, Obama has cut his food stamps, now he's worried about money haha.... he calls my mom, and says he will work on the gutters that have fell down from snow, when he flat out told me 1 1/2 weeks ago, that I would be better off going somewhere else.... wouldn't allow me across his property due to messing up his grass....he has the right away thru his yard.... I took the high road and left it all at that.... but, mom takes his call, and tells him to come over and fix the gutters, after I made plans for someone more dependable to fix them..... I am soooooo livid, again I could scream...... am I wrong again? why do I always question my decisions? why does mom treat everyone else like gold, and WHY am I still here.... I guess, I figure that is what my dad would want me to do.... we talked at length about if he were to pass, and that she would need me more now than ever.... it just breaks my heart...... again, thanks....now extremely hopeless, angry and betrayed....again...
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