How to begin to prepare for moving my husband to a care facility?

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My husband of 54 years has atrophy of his frontal and temporal lobes. He has aphasia and is pretty much non-verbal. He is 76, I am 72. I am managing to deal with life for the moment, but I am told that eventually he will need to be in a care facility. I really dread the thought. I don't want him to feel abandoned or unloved.
There is a highly rated facility in our rather rural area, but I do not know how long I would be able to pay for it. There is a new Veterans' Home about 40 miles from here. I have had no luck in finding how that would work, but need to make some follow up calls.
I would rather he stayed at home, but I realize I might simply not be able to care for him at some point. The nearest of our children is nearly 5 hours away. I just dread having to make this decision, but hope I will know when it is best for both of us. But - how to tell him. How to make that decision.

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I worked 22 hours a day sometimes to give my mother the best care I was capable of. I have to admit that a staff of Certified Nursing Assistants (CNAs) working a total of 21 shifts a week could care for Mom better than one dedicated daughter could in a good week. Plus, I have seen members of the older generation of my mother's family seriously impair their own health when they heroically cared for their close relatives for years while they themselves were aging into their 80's, even 90's. Sounds like a good run, and these caregivers were singly responsible for keeping their husband's alive well into their nineties, but the toll it took on them was too much. I saw that when it was happening, but I know it now from the experience of the extreme-caregiver, from which years my own health and physical condition was seriously compromised. My mother is doing better under the care of well-supervised, and well-rested, refreshed caregivers. You can concentrate on what you do best, providing guidance to the doctors and staff, and your loving attention to your husband. Let others do what they do best.
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I just placed my wife with Alzheimer's in a Memory Care place. I understand what you are going through and the emotions that are involved. I cannot suggest help for VA and costs. I did wait a couple of days before telling my wife and I referred to her going for Rehab for Memory. I had been laying ground work for several weeks about trying to find a place that helps with rehab for Memory but never referring to residential. She has now been in a month and I visit her everyday. Overall she is content. I find the that she is more alert because they can keep her on a regular schedule which was hard to do at home. It is not an easy decision but the response that helped me make the final decision was: We will now take care of the feeding, dressing, toileting, activities & showering-You just provide the "LOVE".
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My heart goes out to you. This is someone you have loved for a long time. But, that love will not stop when he is moved. Telling him that he needs to move is probably the most difficult task of all of the tasks that those of us involved in this process have had to do. Just do it with love and kindness and hope for the best. As for the Veterans' Home, to add to what pamstegma has said, I will simply state that you do not want to contact any veterans anything by mail. Mail has a tendency to fall between the cracks. I stopped waiting on a response from a letter I sent eight years ago. It was never answered. You will always want to talk to them in person, even if you have to see them in person to make an appointment to see them. This is not an easy time for you, but I will pray for you that you will have the strength to do all you must do. In the end, if the facility you place him in is of good repute, then what you will be doing is keeping him safe. That is a loving thing to do.
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IWhile you are exploring answers look into the VA's HOME BASED PRIMARY CARE PROGRAM. They are helping me and I cannot say enough postive about the care, the sraff and how grateful I am foe this service.
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There is an income/asset qualification for the veterans assistance in a care facility. You need to speak to an attorney that specializes in elder care to help you prepare a plan that will not drain all your resources paying for your husband's care in a facility.
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If he is a veteran with service connected disability, he goes to the top of the priority list. Call them, visit them, ask for a tour with him. Bring his service records or discharge papers.
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Check the yellow pages and contact your county (what county do you live in?). There should be an office of Veterans Affairs. (This is a different office than the VA clinic if you have one of these in your area. They are completely different offices. You want the Office of Veterans Affairs at the County level) Make an appointment and you'll have given yourself a gift. This person will be your representative and pipeline to the VA. One to One conversations and your questions will be answered. That's not to say that it will all be good news, but you'll have your answers and a possible plan on how to move forward. Ask about Aid and Attendance as well. A pension benefit to help pay for the cost of care whether in your home or a VA approved care facility. (VA approved does not mean VA hospital only.) There are a lot of hoops, but having a rep to help make the connection to the VA is priceless. You may decide not to go this route, but having information and understanding your options is such a relief.
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First there is no need to tell him. His condition is such that he does not understand much. Contact the VA via va.gov online, but I prefer to talk to the nursing home coordinator which will advise you. He probably can use his social security, military pension and aid and attendance, and any shortage will be borne by Medicaid. I have already checked and this is how it works at the VA home in Phoenix. Stop stressing because you will only make yourself ill, and there is nothing you can do about his diagnosis. Love him for the time he has left, and God Bless you both for having had a lasting marriage!
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We are looking at Memory Care Centers for my mom and there is a discount of probably $1,000 - $2,000 discount for him for being a veteran (also applies to wives and widows) A lot of the places won't tell you that....so ask! Good luck.
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This is a very difficult time for the entire family. My thoughts and prayers go out to you. You do need to do what is best for both of you. Please don't forget you need to take care of you first or you cannot be there in any capacity for your husband. Do you have any care at home right now other than yourself? If not you could possibly keep him at home a little longer by getting some home help. As mentioned before the VA has options for veterans. When selecting a full care facility try to select a place that is close enough where you can visit frequently. At some point this will be more important to you then it will be to him. You will have the comfort to just pop in and see how things are going. Blessing to you and your family during this most stressful and difficult time.
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