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I am 86 years old, mobility and hearing challenged. My wife of 64+years has been diagnosed with dementia. Our 61 year old emotionally disabled daughter lives with us. Our major asset is our home, which is costly to maintain. Daily activity is more difficult for me and I am trying to plan for the inevitable. Where will my wife and I go? What will happen to our daughter who denies her illness and refuses to seek help? What steps can be taken?

I have a disabled nephew. I was able to find him help through the Disabilities Dept in my county. If she is not on Social Security Disability, she needs to be. Problem is, she has to acknowkedge something is wrong to get help. Start with the Disabilities Dept. Make it clear that you cannot care for her and a wife with Dementia. If daughter ever worked, at 62 she can start collecting her Social Security.

If house is getting too much, may be time to sell. If you have put money away, maybe move into a nice Assisted Living. You will then have help with your wife and some socialization and activities for you.

Hopefully daughter can get help with housing. My nephew gets help thru the State. They help offset the cost of his apartment, he has a coordinator and an aide once a week to help him with errands and appts. Your daughter has to realize that if something happens to you, she is on her own. Any assets you have will go to the care of your wife. What you leave in your Will means nothing when a spouse needs care.

I set up a Special Needs trust for my Nephew to protect the money he received from his Moms life insurance policy. The trust is very limited in how it can be spent. Can't be spent on food, lodgings or utilities because those you can get help with.

Call your Office of Aging and see if there are any resourses you can use.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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You need to talk to an attorney about setting up a trust and guardian for your daughter.

Are you currently your daughter's legal guardian? You need to think about who can take on this role (willingly, locally, competently and your estate will need to provide all the financing for this). If you can't come up with anyone, then I recommend you explore non-profit, faith-based guardian providers. My SFIL was assigned a guardian by the courts who was provided by Lutheran Social Services and it was as positive an experience as it could be.
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Reply to Geaton777
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GEBSheridan Sep 10, 2025
Lutheran Social Services is a good lead, we have a Lutheran connection. Thank you.
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I am so sorry to hear about this complex and difficult situation. An elder care wills and trusts attorney should be able to advise. It may be that you could set up a “special needs trust” for your daughter so that someone else (friend, relative, or financial institution) can dole out money to pay for her needs after you are no longer able to.

best wishes to you all.
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Reply to Suzy23
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GEBSheridan Sep 10, 2025
Thank you for your input Suzy. We are aware of "special need trusts" but have not investigate. We will now.
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