Struggling to manage mother’s care. No one seems to understand that she falls in between the medical and legal jargon of “capacity”. Dr says she can make her own medical decisions (even if they are poor), law says I am POA, so I’m to make financial and medical decisions for her when she can’t. And she can’t. But, aging care lawyer also says proving “lack of capacity” is difficult. She’s a feisty fighter at 101 and thinks I’m stealing money from her, threatens to remove me from all her accts, and her will. Calls and yells at me then hangs up. I am her only child. She lives in her home 2 hours away with a daily sitter. In Feb, she went AWOL from assisted living center against medical advice. APS was called. I’m ready to move closer to my own kids (14 hours away now), and feeling trapped, weary and burdened and so confused. TIA for your advice with experience here.
I'm also an only child and my 96-yr old Mom is single, living next door to me in a house.
Have you submitted your MPoA document to her doctor's office? If not, you need o do this. Once this is on file, you will need to discuss with her doctor the signs and symptoms of her troubling behavior. Then schedule an exam for her and make sure to be in the room during the cognitive/memory test. If you need to tell her a therapeutic fib in order to get her to the appointment, so be it. People do it all the time.
Once she takes the test and has the exam, then go into your Mom's medical portal and request a letter of diagnosis stating that her impairment is sufficient to require the intervention of her MPoA, and the doctor needs to sign it. I did this with my Mom's doc and she did it. I needed it to manage her finances as was requested by her annuity company, so be sure to include this specific reason in your request -- that you need to activate your PoA in order to begin to manage her financial affairs. I wrote that at my Mom's advanced age I she was running out of cash and I had to cash in annuities and other assets to pay for her care. If this doc still won't do it -- then I'm sorry but you need to fire this doctor and get her a new one. Tell your Mom her doc retired.
I will be difficult and time-consuming to get it into place but once it's in place it will be a lot easier to help her and manage things. My Mom was driving up until last year and getting her to stop was a whole drama unto itself. She is the president of the Feisty club.
I would move your Mom into AL or MC near wherever you settle closer to your kids. You can tell her a therapeutic fib, that you're going for "a visit" and she'll be staying in a temporary apartment.
Don't be shy about insisting on getting the medical diagnosis. Your Mom's appropriate care and management depends upon it. I wish you success!