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I work about 50 hours a week. I have ulcerative colitis and arthritis. I have had caregivers going to my moms house 4 hours a day. I pay all her bills for her. Schedule all appts. Deal with multiple trips to ER for dehydration. She was never a loving mother. We were never close. My brother lives out of state and is no help. Her dementia has really ramped up the last 3 months. She has delusions of people kidnapping her. Or the news anchor talked to her directly and told her she was coming to visit. Other times she seems fine. I'm afraid she will get hurt when caregivers aren't there. She threw her alert necklace away and won't wear one. I'm another one that said I would keep my mom in her house until she dies. Well she is slowly killing me. How do I get her from her house to a nice residential nursing home? She will never go if she knows what's happening. She has always been very narcissistic and only cared about herself. This is so difficult. If you have read this far thank you! Is there a service that will help pick her up and take her? If I make arrangements and try to get her out of the house it will be an ugly combative nightmare


I'm so very exhausted...

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You can have nursing assessment done at about $100 fee & then take that form to a SNF that’s close by ...go tour it first...see if it’s clean, residents sad or happy/comfortable? Talk to residents to see if they are happy...talk with admissions there....or you can take her to ER & tell them you are no longer physically able to care for her...talk to Social Worker there & make arrangements for placement. Hugs 🤗
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Reply to CaregiverL
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omg SoVeryExhausted. I know what you are going through. My father was diagnosed with dementia 2 or 3 years before he went into a nursing home. One doctor had even taken his drivers license but would not deem him incompetent. So putting him in a nursing home was looking like it would never happen. He went to the hospital several times but he had also refused many ambulances. All this was put on record and finally, the doctors at one hospital did a re assessment and deemed him to be incompetent. So he stayed in the hospital until we could get him in a nursing home. Make sure you document everything, hospital visits, doctors visits, irrational behaviour, anything out of the norm. It could be a long process but this is what it took for us.
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Reply to Chergal
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Contact her Dr and the next time sees in the Er have her admitted and the social worker will help you from there. That’s the easy way.
you could always call your county elders affairs and her dr could order a home assessment to be done and a social worker will come out to assist you.
Any way you go about it she will know unless you have power of attorney and even then she may know.
i was blessed and my husband , only looking out for my health told my mom he was leaving me because he couldn’t watch me destroy what life I had left! 43 years of marriage! So my mom, bless her said she was leaving. She wanted her own place but we all new she was going to an assisted living facility.
i too have enabled my mom and did everything for her as well. I wish you well.
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Reply to MollyMae2
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SVE, when you say she can't do the banking it sounds like they are giving you grief and not letting you handle it? Are you paying for her aides with her money?

I ask because you may need to increase the number of hours she has help. Only if she is paying though.

I recommend putting your hopes on the hospitalists needs assessment and rehabs doctor. This will help you get her the help she needs.

I would contact the local area on aging and ask them for a needs assessment. They will help you get that done. Between needs assessment of 24/7 care and diagnosis of dementia you should be able to spring your POA and take over as trustee.

I think that the terminology that you use will play a role in getting doctors to help. You are not asking them to say she can't live at home, you are asking for a professional diagnosis of her daily care needs, same thing different terminology.

That is how I got my dad into AL, needs assessment said he needed daily assistance with activities of life, like preparing meals, laundry, housekeeping, med management and that qualified him to be put in AL.

I hope that you find a solution soon. You can't let this destroy you, you may have to step back and let the situation deteriorate to make it happen. Isn't that terrible that someone has to have a tragedy to get the help they need. Crazy nonsense.

Hugs, take care of you during this difficult time.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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SoVeryExhausted Nov 1, 2019
Thank you! I pay her bills online through her checking. But that will be gone in 2-3 months. I have no access to her annuities to transfer them into her checking.
I have asked for a letter stating that she is no longer capable of caring for herself. Nothing about finance. I will see about a needs assessment! Xo
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Have any of these doctors given a reason why they won't make an assessment of her abilities?

You should not be paying anything for your mom, her funds should be paying.

If she refuses to pay then this is the chance to get her hospitalized and to a facility from there. Don't pay for her aides out of your funds. Let her fail by having no assistance. I know that sounds heartless, but you have been put in a terrible situation with these doctors and you have to do whatever it takes to get her the help she needs.

When she gets hospitalized that is when you start telling the doctor that you need help, explain that she can not live alone and refuses to hire aides. They should do an assessment of need, once she goes into rehab at a skilled nursing facility, do the same thing and the doctor there will do a needs assessment and then you have 2 doctors saying that she requires 24/7 care. That should be sufficient to fulfill the trust verbiage.

You are blessed that she has the funds to private pay. There are some really great facilities and they usually have private pay beds.

Just curious, your wording about the trust sounds like you plan on applying for Medicaid after a few months. That money is there for her care and support, please do not get public assistance if she has the money, there are people that really don't have 2 pennies and they suffer because people shelter their own money and collect welfare so that their family gets a large inheritance. If I misunderstood, forgive me.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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SoVeryExhausted Oct 31, 2019
No medicaid. She has the funds. She isn't capable of dealing with the bank. If I could get her in the car and actually into the bank it would be clear to them that she is not capable of making financial decisions. I'm sure her account is flagged that a trust attorney has submitted documents for me. I think none of the drs wants to be involved. I think they are afraid that I'm trying to run off with her money?
I actually work in the insurance business. I configure fee schedules for Medicaid. I am all too aware of the people who take advantage of government assistance while people who desperately need it go without.
No offense taken ;)
Everyone involved in her care feels she should be in a nursing home. I feel like they look at me as a horrible person for not handling it. I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. Its just a matter of how soon. She's also a chain smoker. So was my dad. The house reeks. Every Sunday I go to fill in her meds and take care of mail/bills I'm sick the rest of the day because of the cigarette smoke. The house is one big cloud. Geez I am actually feeling much worse after typing all this out.
I appreciate everyone's feedback.
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Would it be possible to tell her that you are taking her to an activity center to make friends ?
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Reply to Lvnsm1826
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SoVeryExhausted Oct 31, 2019
I'm 60 and she has never had a friend. I was the only kid walking home in the rain from school because my mom couldn't interrupt her soap opera to come get me. Socializing is not something she would think of as fun. Its all about her and what she wants to do :(
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I'm so sorry for what you're going through. There will be a light at the end of this tunnel...but for now you have to slog through some stuff to get there. First, are you able to get her checked for a UTI? The infection can cause seniors to act like they are confused and have dementia. Antibiotics will clear it up.

Do you have durable PoA for your mom? Does you mom have the financial means to afford a facility of choice? If yes, you should start calling and visiting places and checking on waiting lists and making sure they accept Medicaid.

If no to either of those questions, then you still have options. You don't need to pursue guardianship unless you want to be your mom's guardian, which takes time and effort and responsibility. And if there aren't enough or any funds, you can contact social services and they can direct you on how to get her approved for Medicaid.

As for literally getting her into a NH, as long as she is cognitively unable and your PoA is enacted and you have a facility in place, call the NH admin and they will give you advice on how to get her there. They know all the "tricks". Good luck!
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SoVeryExhausted Oct 31, 2019
Thank you! Sorry I should have mentioned I have POA. She has funds however before my dad died he created a Trust that is iron clad. I am executor once she passes. But I cannot touch anything while she's alive. Her funds are in annuities. I don't know when they rollover or if they can be cashed out now? Her funds in her checking will be gone in 3-4 months. There is a clause in the Trust that if 2 of her Doctors certify that she is incapable of caring for herself I can take over. Her primary doctor retired at the beginning of the year. I only found out when trying to call and make an appt in February. So no letter from him. I asked her new primary care dr she saw until last month when she was no longer able to physically handle going into the drs office if she could write a letter? Nope won't do it. I asked the Dr at the hospital in August if she could write a letter? She noted on discharge that the main diagnoses is dementia. She said no she had never heard of that and refused to write a letter. I asked the mobile Dr I have seeing her once a month. They refused. I'm so angry! I do not have the funds to take care of her, I barely have the funds for myself. I can't keep leaving work because her blood pressure dropped because she won't take her meds. Or she needs to go to ER again. I'm going to end up without a job. I hired a trust attorney to deal with her bank for me. They won't budge. She just called me to tell me it was too warm in the house and that it was 390 degrees :(
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