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Mom is not grooming, eating or taking her meds. My sis goes over daily and insists on her eating. mom wants to die at home. We have made arrangements to move her to assisted living. How do we tell her when she is so bull-headed and refuses. My sis wants to take her to lunch then say her house has something wrong and we can't go back for 4 weeks till fixed. Drive her to assisted living and her things will all be there. Is this a good idea, nurse said they do this a lot. Any other suggestions?

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My mother told me one time "I'd rather DIE AT HOME than go to a nursing home"...well, that's not going to happen. Turns out when she was with me, she was always asking for whatever, clogging the toilet, etc., etc., Now, I understand that, but a 'normal' person can't take this day in day out. Why? Because it's NOT normal. They're requests, they're insistence, etc., etc., their wandering, their constant whining, complaining, etc., etc. Whatever.

My mom fell six weeks ago which landed her in the hospital, then in rehab. She had no choice. Rehab happened to be part of nursing home facility. It's nice. I trust the people there, who KNOW how to handle her. They KNOW she's stubborn (today, she was getting out of the wheelchair without the walker. When I asked her, Where's the walker, she told me she didn't want it. You can NOT reason with a person who has this disease. Repeat: You can NOT reason with a person who has this disease.

She was playing BINGO today and darned if she wasn't having a good time with her new 'friend'. Now my mother never has had a friend. But she has one now! She was watching the same shows on tv she watched here. The difference is when I visit, I'm not angry with her. I can play Bingo with her in the Dining Room (which is nice). Today, she was complaining they serve the same food every week (common complaint with her)...I told her I've had the same supper three days this week!

Don't feel bad about this. Just do it. Then you leave for a few days and let her acclimate. Guaranteed, while she may tell you she's not happy, she'll adjust.

I'm thinking about you.
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Realized I didn't comment on your very initial question. We had Mom involved in the decision making the entire process. Yes, even with her dementia. She was agreeable about it up until the actual move-in time. Then she did a 180.

The only suggestion I can give is if she has a favorite aide right now, have that aide do a few hours a day for a while at the ALF. We are on day #4, and the aide is with her today for a few hours. Less anxiety for Mom right now and well worth the extra money. Good luck
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We priced it out when we realized 24-hr care would be needed. $20/hr off the books, $25/hr thru an agency for home care. 24 hours a day, and is is $7200-$18,000 a month. That is before food, utilities, etc. And those prices are for CNAs, not skilled nursing (LPNs). Even then, we were willing to do it if it were best for Mom to stay in her own home. Sadly, when Mom stopped realizing she was in her own home, we knew that wasn't of importance anymore. The socialization, or lack of it, was a huge concern. She wouldn't go out of the house. In fact, it was a chore to even get her out onto the deck for some fresh air.

We tried her in one of our homes...the home with the most people coming and going. Even that wasn't enough for her. We all had our own lives, and she was looking for entertainment every waking moment. Because she was bored, she would cat nap day and night, thus keeping the rest of the house up all night long. In addition to being fed, bathed, meds management, dressing assistance, hygiene assistance, etc. As she says about the ALF, "there is always something going on here to keep me busy".

Iamsunny, good luck & pls keep us posted.
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Dementia is tough because you can't reason with them any more. They are not unintelligent and until the Alzheimers becomes stage 6 or so and they are mostly unaware, you still have to deal with THEIR sense of what is real. (even though you know it isn't real) So, sometimes you just have to deceive them for their own safety, especially if what they want isn't affordable. Funny thing, my mother goes from "I hate being with all these other people" to "I just went downstairs to find someone to talk to because I can't stand sitting in my room" (and its IL and not a room, its an apt) When we move her to AL, it will be a room. But, I have a feeling once she gets adjusted, she is going to like being paid attention to, flattered and having people around her who are more like herself rather than feeling as she does now - left out because of her deafness, social ineptness and short term memory. I have to tell myself Mom will be happier eventually.
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Taking residents back to there home after placing them in Assisted Living can sometimes turn into a real mess. I have heard of times when they will get to their old home and refuse to go back to Assisted Living. I would perhaps just ask them if there is anything they want from the old home as opposed to taking them there.
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I am in similar situation with my 87 yo mom. She has been steadily declining the last 6 months, she has "mild" cognitive issues, she has major OCD and Paranoia. Her bullheadedness would win Olympic medals. On Thanksgiving evening, after six weeks of a damaged Achilles, she did something very silly and tore the Achilles completely off. My husband and I have been struggling with keeping her home, she wants, we want. However, the impulsive behavior and lack of care for consequences for herself or others, since July make it unbearably hard to manage her. Chances are good, depending on the circumstances, the next "event" on the horizon means we will have to explore Assisted Living. Siblings are non-involved, not helpful. We can not stay home with her 24/7. She's started throwing terrible tantrums that would have caused 2 year olds to blush. This is one of the toughest situations you will encounter. Good luck...if you find the right answer, please share. Sending positive thoughts for a happy outcome.
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My 94-yr old mom with dementia can afford to stay at home, with 24/7 care. And we kept her in her own home as long as possible...possibly even longer than we should have. We just moved her into an ALF and wished we had done it sooner. The socialization alone makes it worthwhile. And it is actually less expensive than 24/7 in-home care. If/when it is time for a NH, well.....we will cross that bridge when we come to it.
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@DebJames - you did the right thing. Good for you.
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@Im sunny - if she's not allowing anyone in the house the next option is you call her doctor and tell the doctor this. The police will come and take her to a facility.

She has no options if she's not thinking clearly.

It's tough. Yes. But you have to do it and just understand she's not thinking properly.
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Regarding Assisted Living for parents and when that should or should not happen is a complex decision and should take in a number of factors:
1. Will your mother or father be safe living there alone?
2. Is their current home safe and in good living condition? (heaters, no rips in carpet, tears in flooring,etc...)
3. What is there financial situation like and will they be able to stay up with current costs of maintaining a home to keep it a safe environment?
4. Is the current home two stories and can they get up and down stairs safely?
5. What is the physical state of your parent? Will they be able to walk up and down the stairs safely if it is two floors, clean house, buy groceries, cook?
6. What is the mental health state of your parent? Do they remember to take their daily medications, do they remember all of their doctor's appointments?

No matter how much you love your parents and would like to see them to be able to live at home, safety should come before everything! After all, that is how your parents raised you when you were young; they were always concerned about your safety.

As far as having home care, this is a wonderful service, but please remember that this service is part time and the caregiver is only there for a couple of hours a few days a week. All your answers to the questions above should be factored in when making a decision for your parent to be cared for at home with part time nursing care. Also, keep in mind, that when the nurse comes in to see your parent, he/she will ask them certain questions; how have they been, have they had any problems, are they remembering to take their medicines? If your parent has short term memory loss, the nurse is probably not going to be able to get accurate answers.

Loving care for a parent, must consider safety, health and finances, both short and long term. In addition, you too want to live a healthy and full life so that you have more to give back to your aging parent. Best regards!
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