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My partner of 4 years, who I lives with me and my 9 year old daughter for the past 2.5 years suddenly and abruptly left 2 weeks ago to care for his mom when she got out of the hospital with a uti. He has been going home every weekend to help his mom who is mid stage 6 Alzheimer's with life, but this time he didn't come back and has no plans to return.
She has since recovered from her infection and is doing well. I agree that she needs a team of aides to come and help her with ADLs, but he is adamant on doing it all himself. It is like he is using this to escape from real life. I am extremely worried about him and our relationship. She lives an hour away, but he hasn't been home or been to work (supposed to be in office three days a week).
How do I make sense of this madness? It seems like he has become completely emotionally enmeshed with his mom (only child, dad passed 5 years ago). It's him and his mom against the world and it is so abrupt. They haven't had the best relationship in the past as she can be domineering and manipulative.
Life was normal two weeks ago, and now I am wondering if it will ever regain a sense of normalcy, he has stated he wants to be with her until the end, but she is stable at the moment and could remain so for many more years! Did I just get broken up with for an 82 year old and I haven't figured it out yet?

Yes please move on without him. And don't let him come back.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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Stage 6 and she was living on her own? Her aides would need to be there 24/7. She could be placed at this point. Do not allow him to move her into your home. Not fair to your 9 year old. Dementia could be scary for a child.

I would ask him if he plans on caring for Mom 24/7. Does he plan on quitting his job? If so, not to expect any support from you. Caring for his Mom leaves no time for you. So that means he needs to pick up his belongings and move them to Moms.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Maybe she promised him the house if he lives with her? I've seen that happen.
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Reply to Nan333
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BurntCaregiver Oct 23, 2025
@Nan333

I don't think so here. Seniors often always use inheritance of property as a sort of insurance policy so their family keeps them out of care. That happens all the time and what ends up happening is they go into care anyway and the property is lost.

When a man (or woman) is in love, they don't just leave their partner then ghost them like this guy did. He doesn't even call home to check on his partner and her kid. He wanted out but doesn't want to be the "bad guy" who dumped them. His old, Alzheimer's-ridden mother is his exit frem the relationship.
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Your ex-partner (I'm going to call him that and will explain) is not in his office because he must have taken the FLMA (Family Medical Leave Act) and you can be out of work I believe up to five months leave to provide caregiving to a family member and your job is safe.

I'm calling him your ex-partner because no doubt that's what he is now. He wanted a reason to exit your relationship without looking like the 'bad guy' who bailed on his partner and her kid. Poor-Elderly-Just-Out-Of-The-Hospital-And-Has-Alzheimer's is a good one. He gets to end the relationship with you and not look like an a$$hole. When he has to go back to work, he'll put his mother in a nursing home or will try to get you to relocate where they are then he'll try to dump the caregiving on you. Or she dies and he comes crawling back with his tail between his legs looking for you to take him back. Don't fall for any of it.

You say you've got a nine year old daughter so you're not old. You're still young enough to find a man who won't walk out on you and who will make you and your kid a priority in his life. They're out there.

Now it's time for you to make a different life with you and your daughter. A good life. Wish that snake in the grass former parter good luck and move on.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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This is a relationship problem with yourself and your partner that likely hasn't come about overnight nor because only of his mother's current problems. This doesn't fall under elder care issues. The UTI and the need of your partner being home.

You ask if he just sort of chose another woman? His mother.
That isn't for us to answer. It is for HIM to answer and for you to ask HIM, not a Forum of utter strangers. You asked him, and he has told you he will now be staying with his mom until the end of her life. He has been honest with you. I would say your just got broken up with.
I am so sorry. I would see a counselor about your individual adjustment now, but all of this has nothing, really, to do with elder care, I suspect. I wish you great good luck. This must be a terrible shock for you.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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I’m so sorry. He’s gone, and if you want a new boyfriend, start looking. Unfortunately a boyfriend is just a boyfriend. When you find a good man, marry him. There are some out there, and marriage affords you legal protection that shacking up does not.
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Reply to Fawnby
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I'm very sorry this happened but yes, it sounds like you need to treat this as a breakup. Do whatever you need to to move on with your life and your finances. If he has things in your home, get a storage unit, pay the first month's rent, then send him a bill and tell him he needs to clear it out or sign a contract for subsequent months at his own expense. (Maybe he is hoping to inherit her house and/or money.)
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Reply to MG8522
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lealonnie1 Oct 21, 2025
Hmpfff to the storage unit. I like the dumpster idea better myself
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If he hasn't officially broken up with you by leaving you this way with no intention of returning, YOU need to break up with HIM stat! He has no idea how romantic relationships work, and took off without notice or intent to return, to single handedly care for a mother with advanced dementia? I think not. This man doesn't get to dictate life to YOU, while you stand by and wait to see how things turn out and if he returns! Be done with him for good now and tell him so. Give him till Nov 10 to come get his belongings or you'll rent a dumpster and get rid of them yourself. A real man who loves you and your daughter doesn't betray you this way and take off w/o notice, for good.

I'm very sorry you were gobsmacked like this. You and your daughter deserve so much more.

Wishing you the ability to move forward and put this man behind you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Yes, he left you for his mom. I’m sorry but he is already gone. Good luck.
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Reply to Bulldog54321
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Starting in 2011, my then husband became his parents' caregiver at their home 150 miles from our home. He would be there about half of each week. He was supposed to be looking for a "regular" full-time job at the same time. He didn't look for other work, and about two years later, he began spending all his time at his parents. Don't get me wrong; they defnitely needed care. But I wanted a husband and I wanted our children to have a father, and he abdicated those responsibilities by going to his childhood home and taking care of his mom and dad. H claimed that our marriage was the best thing that ever happened to him, but it didn't seem like it to me. I filed for divorce in 2015, and the divorce was finalized in 2016.
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Reply to Rosered6
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Yes. He's outta there. He's using his mom as a means to bail out on you. Probably why he never wanted to marry you after 4 years. Don't chase someone who has already let you know it's over.

You're worried about YOUR relationship? Okay, but how does your daughter feel?! She had no choice about the boyfriend moving in, and she's been dragged into this breakup because you brought this upon her. He's dumped her too. Kids shouldn't have to deal with adult issues like this. Don't let any man move in with you until you've signed the marriage license. Your daughter doesn't need to have men move in, then move out. She needs to see you as independent mom. That while she may fall in love and marry a nice guy one day, she needs to be able to stand on her own two feet. Model that for her!

Now, I'm not accusing him of anything; I don't know him. But you should be aware that children are ELEVEN TIMES more likely to be physically and/or sexually abused by a live-in, unmarried partner. Your kid has to come first in all this.
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Reply to LoopyLoo
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"Did I just get broken up with for an 82 year old and I haven't figured it out yet?"

Yes, you did. She is obviously his #1 priority, not you. Please exit this relationship today. Set an standard and example for your daughter so she doesn't waste 4 years on someone like him.

Think back about your relationship with him...I'll bet this wasn't the only sign he wasn't the right person for you.
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Reply to Geaton777
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