How to make peace that you are your mother’s only caregiver even though you have two siblings (w/ tons of excuses)? How do you not explode?

The hatred is bound to get worst if that is the predominant in the mind. As many good people has found out, the true colors of individuals, family or not, come to light in extreme situations. Their lack of a positive response, makes it an open and shut case. They do not want an active part on assisting you, they have innumerable problems of their own, the only one willing to do a thankless job is your fine person and your family. Nothing pretty about the whole situation, the sooner the non helpers are discarded emotionally the better. Action speak louder than words. Difficult all around, but commendable that you still do the heavy lifting. God Bless those that care!

I can completely understand how you feel. Every sibling should help in some way depending on their circumstances - it could be paper work, or occasional visits, whatever - but all must do their parts. Sometimes it takes more than "talking to them" because that does not accomplish anything although it is the first step. Come up with specific suggestions for help and try to get some form of commitment. If nothing works, and I doubt it will, you are completely within your rights to explode big time and really let them have it. But first you have to think of other options for the parent you are helping - can they be placed, get a caretaker, etc. I am a firm believer and will stand by this fact: regardless of the situation, when the situation is causing YOU harm and great distress and is destroying YOUR life, you must do whatever it takes to stop that from happening. And as to the family who won't help, I don't know the relationships in the past or the value of maintaining those relationships. But sometimes in life we must be strong and realize things are as they are and do we want to be destroyed or leave and move on to greener pastures. Only you can make that decision. Sometimes we have no choice.

HI Amy,
I am in the exact situation. But I have seen the alternative. Let me explain. My Mom lived with me for 12 years. She started to decline with early dementia. She fought me on everything. She would call my sister and tell her horrible things about me. So I thought ok, maybe better for my sister to take her. My marriage was also breaking up from the stress. My sister reluctantly agreed. My Mom subsequently was relocated across the country and my sister put her in a retirement community with no supportive care. I was so upset with the situation and dealing with my own health and personal garbage, I barely spoke to my Mom. After 3 years I finally visited her because I could tell that her decline was immense. I decided to move across the country to help because the community she was in was not supportive for dementia. I knew something bad could happen. My sister put a blind eye to the situation saying she didn't have time to do more. She also refused to see Moms decline saying Mom "was faking it for attention." Really? How does an 88 yo woman fake dementia? Then covid hit. Then my Mom broke a leg. I still moved. You know what? My move saved my Mom from a horrible rehab facility. Saved her from dying from coronavirus. My sisters decisions were horrible and almost a catastrophe. Amy, I go in the garage and scream into pillows. I pour myself a glass of wine in the kitchen and put on a movie for my Mom just for a moment of peace. I completely lose it with anger just not against my Mom. But, I know what the decisions are when my sister is involved. My Mom suffers her neglect. What keeps me going too is being grateful. This is my Mom. But I'm grateful I have the opportunity to save a human life from neglect. If your sisters who don't care took care of your Mom it would probably end up in neglect and you would step in anyway. My brother is 0 help too. I also have lost years. But I still have the opportunity to have some good friends and small personal victories along the way. I like to believe in karma. Something better is waiting for me after my Mom dies. IT will find me or I will find IT. Hang in there. You are not alone. It might be small consolation for what you are going through and I'm sorry for that.

Dear Amy,

I'm sorry that you are doing all the work and not getting any support from your sisters. It is frustrating and leads to anger and resentment. Those feelings are real.

As the oldest, I always felt more dutiful and responsible. And like you, I was so angry and resentful at my sisters for not caring about me and asking about me or even offering to help. One sister lived across the country and another was always mean to me and another had her own family.

I tried to carry on the best I could but my own anger affected my judgment and in the end it affected my dad's care. I feel guilty it lead to his death. If only I had dealt with my feelings. Talked to a social worker. Talked to a therapist. Found a support group. It is important to come to terms with these feelings and there is no easy path.

Thinking of you. (((hugs)))

From what I understand about your post, you were not manipulated or coerced in anyway to care for parents. You voluntarily chose to be the caregiver and that is loving and kind decision you made. Did you know what you were getting yourself into? Was there ever a contract with your sisters about their participation in care giving? Unless they agreed or promised to do care giving, they are not obligated just because of the decision that one sibling made. Some people know right away that caregiving is not something they can handle and opt out. Your sisters should have been honest with you from the start. They probably make up excuses or lies because they don’t want to admit it and feel guilty for not participating. I hate breaking promises to parents, but in your mothers case, it’s a promise that has to be broken for her safety and yours. You and your husband could die prematurely from chronic stress related illnesses before your mother does. She would then end up in the nursing facility after all.

Its amazing how easily siblings can find excuses not to participate in the care of their parents. I just found out my oldest sister is renting a home in the Outer Banks for a two month beach vacation. I, on the other hand, spent my morning cleaning up feces from bedroom floor.
This life we have as caregivers is not fair. I don't know how we can fix it .

I have another trick ( previously wrote about kickboxing!) when my sibling gets on my mind. A therapist taught me that when I start thinking about topics that were bad for me, to change my thoughts to anything. ANYTHING. Baseball scores, whatever. This was not easy for me to do but I kept at it for a month and after that time it started to become a habit, and it really does help a lot. The point is to get my sibling out of my brain space. I’m far from perfect at it, and of course when I have to deal with something she’s about to do I have to put thought into it, but it’s really worth a shot. Just stick with it for the effects to become apparent.

Fyi my sibling has helped in virtually no way whatsoever, but has appeared after years absence and asked for an ‘advance on her inheritance. “ So I do explode, but I have the martial arts bag for that!

Amy, I took care of my mom in her home from her 82nd year to her 87th. (How I got there is different from you, though.) But I do have an older sister and a younger sister. None of us have ever been close sibs, but once I moved in, they began to triangulate (I being the scapegoat). There was infrequent contact or support from either of them, except when at first I began to provide reports about mom's decline and ever-more-serious medical issues, which they rejected as me being 'the nervous one', not being able to 'handle' it (i.e., accused me of being hysterical over little or nothing). They both actively 'stayed away'--from me--apparently our mom's existence wasn't as big as their feelings about me (dislike and jealousy).

By the 5th year, even though my mom has a lovely home and well-maintained property, I gave them about 2 months notice that I'd be leaving (and moving I knew not where, but that didn't matter at that point; I just needed to walk away from the toxicity). Which FORCED them to 'figure something out' on their own. No ugly words were exchanged; it was all very superficially civilized.

Two years hence, I've worked through the obsessive resentment and hatred for each of them--with a lot of help from and work with a good therapist, and support from this forum . It hasn't been easy! I've earned the life-degree of an MFA in forgiveness and 'letting them go'. Again, it did NOT come quickly or easily for me, and I truly didn't believe it was possible, but I can tell you, it was possible for me, and I'm actually a better person for it (and I'm almost 66).

I'm so glad you have your supportive husband, and a world of understanding 'family', right here on this forum. My ever-increasing hatred against my 2 sisters was worse for me than caring for my mom. Please, I know you can't see it now, but keep going, hang in there for your husband, and especially, YOURSELF. Hugs.

I don’t have time to read the responses but feel the need to offer advice. I have a couple of siblings but one lives out of town and two an hour away. I live near my nearly 90 year old parents who live independently. I’m on call for cleaning, meals, meds etc but draw the line at personal care.
If you are alone doing the care you need to get paid for the work. Plain and simple. My parents gift me well and my siblings are aware of it. It’s a lot of work and it keeps resentment at bay. I hope for you there is a way for you to be compensated. Otherwise your siblings should take their turn as well.

I want you to learn something it to me a while. Keeping your promise does not mean destroying your health and family. You can bring someone in to supplement. I plan on hiring someone for 8 hours a day to stay with mom. I will be putting a bed in her spare room and I will spend 7pm-10am with mom. Then the nurse can come 10:30 to 6:30 5 days a week. Right now I feel worn out. I’ve been doing this at least 3 hrs a day and some times twice a day. If mom doesn’t agree to let someone in the house, when the time comes and it’s close, I will be putting her in a memory care facility. I will still be there every day for mom. I will be upholding my promise to take care of mom. I will know she is cared for when I am not there. It is fulfilling my promise and taking care of her the best way possible. Do not think you have to do it alone. My husband is helping me and if I need to run away, I do ever 6 months or so for a few days, he goes and feeds and looks out for her. But 7 days a week is killing me right now. The virus is what is stopping me from bringing someone in. Best of luck you are not alone. By the way the only,person you can change is you. When you get upset about your sisters they don’t care the only,person you are adding stress to is yourself.

Caregiving usually falls on one child.

Sometimes there are legitimate reasons for siblings not helping. Sometimes not.

A sibling doesn’t have to take on the responsibility of caregiving, but nor do you.

It’s horribly frustrating and certainly unfair to the caregiver especially if they aren’t getting any compensation for it.

Life isn’t fair. So, if you are not happy I recommend bailing on the caregiving responsibilities.

Make arrangements for your parents to be cared for in a facility and move forward in life.

AmyL13, any changes to your situation?

If you’re doing the caregiving make sure you have POA. I learned the hard way. If you don’t, step aside.

No mention of the financial situation....but it is not written anywhere that you have to torture yourself, strain your own health and marriage, etc..  You can "take care" of someone without doing those things.  Please consider placement in memory care.  You can still manage her care, pay her bills, shop for her needs, file her taxes, visit her, etc. 

Take all of the energy you're using to be angry at your sisters and put that energy into making good choices for you and your mom.  Your sisters are obviously making decisions that are best for them...you need to make decisions that are best for you.

My brother never did help and I had to accept him for who he is.  You're going to have to do the same with your sisters.  Accept it and move on.  Ask your dear husband to help you find the right place for mom.  I am sure he won't mind helping you move in the right direction.

Take care Amy.

I am in the same situation almost...It is my 93 year old mother in law who had 7 children and I, the wife of the oldest son, am the caregiver. It is frustrating and life changing for sure. I had to quit a job I dearly loved and remodel our house to fit her needs and become the full-time caregiver. My husband is in early dementia also so him caring for her is not an option. Her other children don't call, visit or care about her. At least you and I know that we are doing what needs to be done and, when our loved one passes, we will have no regrets or guilt.

You question was asked in December, Amy. I am wondering how you are doing.
I am sorry that you feel hatred. I would be in your Sisters' corners, so you would be hating me as well. I would not be doing in home care. I might, were I not too busy with my own family and/or work, help in some way, some appointments, help with shopping, the occ. casserole, visits, a few days respite here and there. But I would not do more.
You will have to come to some acceptance. You are doing this by your own choice and have made the decision to do it for your own reasons. You are in charge of your own decisions for your own life. You are not in charge of the decisions of others nor can you make decisions for others in life.
Rage is a choice. You may be deflecting from your own feelings of being entirely exhausted and overwhelmed by choosing anger rather than acceptance of your own choice. Anger is very energizing, while exhausting is debilitating.
I would suggest that you seek help of a professional counselor. Sometimes that is the only way. Your relationship with your Sisters may not survive this as you have chosen ways that are do diametrically different that you may not have a meeting of the minds. While that is sad, it does happen when people are very different in terms of life choices.
I am so sorry times are so tough and I am so thankful for your faithful and sacrificing hubby. I wish you the best and I wish you peace.