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MsMadge I appreciate the input! It is a lonely journey for sure. We went through this with my in-laws and now it is my mom's turn. Never easy!
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Ciao pazzo
I have both lied and told the truth to my mom who is nearly 93 and in memory care now since February following several falls at home- she's feisty and doesn't like any answer I give her - sometimes she thinks she's in a hotel (usually in Vegas ) and other times she thinks she's in her house and wants the other residents out - she always wants me to sleep with her

Depending on her mood telling her she's in a care facility is cruel because she realizes she's been locked up and cries knowing she has to stay there forever - her words - she once eloped and drew a map of how to get home intent on walking there - I regret everyday leaving her there since there are no other residents her age to form a friendship with - either very late stage or 10-15 years younger

I do the best I can with visits usually in the evening and bring treats - I also hire personal caregivers to give her one on one attention for at least 4 hours a day - other than 1 other family friend and our housekeeper she has no visitors - my siblings are in their 70s and won't participate

Staff at memory care is overwhelmed chasing late stage wanderers and I've noticed none of their caregivers even when they have an xtra moment spend any time talking to the residents but sit with themselves - how very lonely for those with no family at all

So if you feel your mom is being cared for (most important thing) then respond in a manner least upsetting to her even though she may ask again - my mom has hit her head many times during falls and has no short term memory but she is hungry for attention
Buona fortuna
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pazzo, to add to my post from above, my Mom [98] thought the long-term-care facility was a hotel, and that I had a room down the hall. I had to run with that idea as it was easier then telling my Mom where she was now living.

My Mom use to get upset with my Dad [who would visit her every day for a hour] that he was out sightseeing without her.... [sigh].
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Thanks freqflyer! My mom is 94 and has spent the last 6 months in and out of the hospital with various physical medical problems including a fractured hip. Prior to that she had been living alone in her home. At this point she is unable to walk, and needs major assistance with all her personal care. We got her into a snf about 3 months ago and they are doing a great job with her care. she is just very resistant to the idea that this is the last chapter and cannot believe we, her children, cannot care for her in our homes. We all live away, me being the closest (180 miles away) and are in our 60's and 70's! Her mental state is good but not always based in reality. I have been visiting every other week for just a few hours and have tried to get her engaged in activities, etc. I am thinking I need to back off even more and let the reality of her new world settle in. Her aides know her very well and also reinforce the necessity of her being there for her care. Just frustrated by her unhappiness but I am guessing the reality is just too hard for her to accept.
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pazzo1, since we don't know what medical issues your Mom has, I will assume she has memory issues.

If that is the case, what I did with my Mom who had late stage dementia [due to a head trauma fall], any time my Mom asked when can she go home I would answer "maybe tomorrow" and that was enough to keep her happy.... until she asked the same question the next day to which I gave the same answer.
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If you have repeatedly explained that your mom cannot come home, then I would question if she is able to comprehend the information or is she forgetting the information. Do you know if that is the case? If she's not able to comprehend it, then you aren't likely to get her to understand. If she understands, but forgets after you tell her, then that is also possible. The only thing that I know is to keep reminding her in a normal tone and change the subject to keep her from getting upset. I'm not aware of any other way to handle it.
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If your mom has dementia, you will not be able to. Try moving the conversation in another direction.
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