I was a caregiver for my grandmother for almost a year and had to leave because the bullying was too much from her, family friends and family. I was tricked into it in the first place with promises of two days off. I was treated like a slave and worked so hard and and they treated me like I had to do all of these things because I lived there but was guilted into moving in or she would go to a nursing home, so I obliged not knowing the nightmare.
Now my mom is going on vacation and she deserves it and I don’t want to ruin it. She is not happy for my sister as a caregiver but she said she won’t do anything until after the vacation. Now she is saying to my boyfriend that she is not happy with my sister and doesn’t want her being there the whole time and didn’t even ask me talking to him casually like I was going to be there when I was under the impression that my sister will be there the whole time since she is a paid caregiver and that is what everyone, especially my sister who gets paid for it, kept on saying. Now they are talking like I will do it without even having that conversation with me like I already agreed. My mom wants to go on this vacation that it was decided that my sister will stay those nine days, but I feel like she is self sabotaging by trying to change things before the vacation because she is not happy with my sister but she already said she will fix it when she comes back from vacation and find a caregiver.
I made it clear that I would not and refuse to be alone with my grandmother and finally stood my ground until recently. There was a emergency so I stopped by and it was assumed I would stay the night even without asking me. I felt like I had no choice because of the nature of the emergency.
Now I am talked to like I will stay there during her vacation and wasn’t even asked and I even stated that I refuse to be alone with her and made it clear.
I thought things were different between my family and grandmother but I continued to be bullied and my grandmother tried to set me up for elder abuse again by extending her leg really quick and quickly kicked the wall and told my mom’s friend who continues to bully me that I purposely hit her leg on the wall.
I don’t understand that she doesn’t want her vacation to be sabotaged but she is sabotaging it. I feel like I am traumatized because I could not breathe listening to the conversation and my boyfriend is tired of the grandmother drama he wants to leave me because he was living with me and they treated him badly. We were both working full time and all of our time was her caregiver and they thought we should be doing all of these extra handiwork duties and we paid her rent.
We left and they hired a caregiver and my grandmother and sister fired them because my sister needed the money and she was paid and was given two days off and they expected my mom to pick up the other two days and it made it harder on my mom and it’s affecting my mom.
My grandmother is so cruel and manipulative and lies and I was treated like a prisoner and I just can’t do it. So much has happened and cruelty when we were there and my heart is still so broken. My grandmother is racist and it comes out the way she treats me. It is affecting my relationship with my boyfriend and it’s not fair.
What can I do to make them stop pressuring me? I already said no and made it clear. My mom knows how scared I am and what I was put through. I can’t breathe and am terrified. What else can I say to make myself clear?
No one can force you to be a caregiver. This is not your responsibility to deal with. Stop making yourself available. Why did you feel lonely those two weeks? You should have been out living your life enjoying not being burdened by family drama.
Stop answering calls immediately. Stay away until your mother returns from her vacation. You can't change them but you can change how you react. You seem easily influenced by them. Can your boyfriend help and be a buffer for a while. Can he tell them no?
Consider going no contact at least until your mom gets back from vacation. Don't go see her in person and don't answer the phone. Your family knows that they are being unreasonable and they don't care.
I've been in your shoes. I don't understand why my sisters immediately start with bullying instead of trying to be nice. They live in hope that the constant pressure will work on me. At this point, I had to go no contact for awhile. I changed names in my phone contact list to remind me not to answer the phone.
Mom became "Makes up fake emergencies"
Sister1 became "Bullys and Manipulates"
Sister2 became "Don't answer the phone"
Sister3 became "Wait one hour before returning calls"
Hospital became "Refuse to go to ER unless they run a BAC test first"
No contact isn't fun, but it can be quite a relief and is a way to protect yourself. It doesn't have to be permanent and you don't have to tell them.
If I have to contact them, I only allow texting so that I have everything in writing and I have time to think about what I want before I respond. I never respond until at least an hour has passed. Sometimes I don't respond at all. I also can show the messages to other people. My mom's own social worker told me to step back and let my sisters take over. She also said that if they don't want to do the work it is not my problem.
Look up Grey Rock. It's a way to stay neutral when I do have to talk to them. I try not to react to anything they say so they don't get any ammunition to use against me.
Take care of yourself. You have gone above and beyond the call of duty for way too long. Your grandmother is not your responsibility.
Yes, it’s fair for you to tell them your boundaries over and over until they GET it.
Then, tell yourself the same thing, until YOU get it! 😀
Back it up with actions, and you and the family WILL get it! It might FEEL weird the first times you do it.
At that point, you will be able to help others do the same thing in THEIR lives!
Cheering you on!
what is wrong for me I froze and felt guilty to say no. You guys are right about not going over there but I thought I am strong. I am sorry I thought I could e asserttive especially after telling everyone to go eff themselves.
this is happened. I was watching the dogs and mom wanted me to have the card for emergencies so they gave the card yesterday because they didn’t trust my sister yesterday. My stepdad had me keep my truck with him yesterday so He can fix it. This morning my mom asked me for the card back so she can go shopping. She said that she didn’t want me to do so much. My stepdad asked me to come before 130 to pick the truck because he was going to take the car to the inspection. I went to bring the card and I insisted on shopping but mom said it’s fine but then she duped me and said I can stay with grandma while she goes shopping because she didn’t want to leave her by herself so long because she is taking the car to get inspected and I felt like I was being put on the spot. She asked me if I was doing anything and I should of said yes but I was trying to offer to go shopping and it hurts that My mom did this to me after all of this.
I talked to my mom and stepdad about this and I thought she was understanding how I this experience was traumatizing for me and I made it clear that I cannot be alone with grandma for five minutes. It’s not the fact that she is being nice it’s the ptsd and fear I feel from my head to toe that I could not say no.
I am going to have a talk with my mom and do you think it’s fair to tell her before the trip to or pull this again I will not speak to her for a long time because it’s like a devious thing she tricks and pressure me to do it and just assumes I will do it and know it’s my fault. I just feel guilt and it’s weird I haven’t talked to my family in weeks since the confrontation. I have the urge to post another eff you family post.
I am trying to hide my face from my grandmother so she doesn’t see the tears or my lip trembling and me shaking but I can’t help it.
she saw the tears running down my face as she was walking out and I don’t know if it was just me that she had a look of satisfaction as she saw my face.
"Not my problem or my responsibility!"
Next what you can count on them doing is guilting you! "She's your grandmother!" Then you say, "No, she's my abuser and my boyfriend's abuser!"
Then, go no-contact! If they come over, tell them to leave or you will get a restraining order and then a no contact order!
You're boyfriend was there when NOBODY else was! He tolerated crap he'd probably NEVER endure because he was doing it for you! Enough is enough! You've been groomed your whole life to accept abusive behavior! You're worth more than that! Stick to your new mantra...... Not my problem or my responsibility!
Good luck and God bless you!
But one thing I would definitely not do is go anywhere near grandma. I hope you realize how you could have been in jail because of a false accusation. Please take NO chances. Your "family" have shown you what they are - believe them!
Think about it this way. Your mom is responsible here. She needs to take the appropriate steps. You really have nothing to do with it - it is on her and the sooner she deals with it the better. Putting it off is just blowing hot air. Not dealing with what must be done. After all, your grandmother's medical problems are her problems, not yours. If she needs to go into a nursing home, so be it. NOT your fault. You've taken enough abuse with mom and grandma dodging this issue. Don't walk into danger.
And as to the POA you CANNOT be forced to accept POA -doesn't matter if they "add you". You do not have to agree to undertake it. Furthermore this does not obligate you to be a caregiver. POA's are not responsible for hands on caregiving. Nor do they have the responsibility that a court appointed guardian would. And you cannot be forced to be a guardian. I would not try to argue with these people - they are wrong or they are lying to you. Not worth your time and effort in explaining to them or tying to make them understand. Just encourages them to argue and manipulate. Just refusing to step up is the only thing they will understand, of necessity.
I sincerely doubt you will have regrets about doing this. The abuse they put you through simply isnt worth it.
You wrote, "I don’t know the legal terms of poa but all I know is that they can add you without asking you."
When my mother assigned me as POA, I had to also sign the POA.
Also, POA is a different thing than being a caregiver.
No one can force you to be a caregiver.
Even if you visit, you can, and SHOULD walk out if the conversation is brought up again.
Cheering you on from here.
they would not stop so I had to do something
Do you mean you have been added as secondary on the POA? In my State, unless things have changed, a POA can be assigned without that person being aware. So, if I were you, I would contact the lawyer who added you as secondary and tell him you want him to revoke the assignment. Just because someone assigns you does not mean you have to accept it. Remember, You Don't Have to Except It! I think Grandma thinks she can control you by assigning you.
A POA does not mean you have to physically care for someone. Its not even invoked until the person is no longer competent to handle their own lives. Financial means you handle their bills. When their money is gone, you don't use your own. You can hire people to do the caring and errand running, ect. But in your situation, it means grandma thinks you'll be at her beck and call. Thats not how it works. Actually, if Gma becomes incompetent, you "sort of control" her. You become her representative. Carrying out what she has requested, making decisions in her best interest. Which means...you get to pick her Nursing Home because being her POA does not mean you do the physical caring. Just means you make sure she is safe, fed and cared for. And if placing her in a NH covers these 3 things, then so be it.
You are learning early in life what it means to be independent. What comes with that independence comes the knowledge that you don't need to put up with any negativity. Think of it this way, you breaking away from Grandma may help another family member have the confidence to do the same thing.
Since you have so much anxiety dealing with grandma and other relatives, I think the best thing you can do is step way back. I really don't understand why you chose to visit Grandma. Are you thinking she will change, are you looking for love that she is not capable of giving? There are ways you can help Mom without being involved with grandmom. Stop allowing yourself to be abused. Great that you moved out, you were right to do it. You made the first step, you are learning to stand on your own feet. No is a whole sentence. No explanations, N0.
I go visit because I don’t want to live with regrets by not seeing my family. I didn’t want to miss out because of my anxiety. I had to bring my cat with me at first to keep me calm. It was months before I had the courage to go see her. I did go to her birthday because our family is weird that we go to birthdays no matter what. Someone told me to get her a gag gift to break the ice and I took it too seriously. Everything was going fine until people wanted to instigate and make suggestions. I was even brushing it off when they were saying that my sister who got paid, didn’t have to work, get two days off , didn’t have to pay rent and didn’t have to the extra yard work did better than me. They want to change things but not take responsibility. Like fire the caregiver and then suggested I take over I got really loud stood up and said no and everyone laughed and said okay. My sister wanted to do it because she wanted the money but my grandmother didn’t want her white grandchildren to do the hard work but she ended up accepting because my sister said she needed the money. Then my grandmother wants a slave but doesn’t want to treat my sister as a slave and want to pressure me to be there three days a week for free to relieve my sister and to start off when my mom starts vacation. My sister is fine where she is at but my grandmother wants more but does bot want to mistreat her like me. She even said she had it good with me and I even said when I was your slave and she stopped pushing it. I just have to be on my toes there so my boyfriend comes with me to make sure that they don’t pressure me anymore.
I even talked to my other who said that my mom was going to be with me and she even said she refused to do because she doesn’t want to be set up. I feel my mom was trying to trick me into doing it by myself even though I made it clear I wasn’t going to do it.? I just am afraid that it would also lead to me being the full time caregiver because they tried to trick me again. They were all talking to me like I agreed to being there half of the time my mom was already on vacation and kept going on and on like I said yes to that even though she only asked for two days and I made it clear twenty times I said no. I was saying I wasn’t doing that, my sister said she was staying the whole 9 days, and I refuse to do it and they kept going like they didn’t hear me and I got loud and said I said no what part of no don’t you understand. We will not have this conversation again. My sister got mad at me because she said my delivery could have been better and I was stirring the pot. I told her to shutup or I will slap her or she could do it. She got mad and said that she refused to be her caregiver and I better not bring it up. I got mad at her because of the double standards that she thought it was okay for them to continue to pressure me even after what they put me through but I am not allowed to stand up for myself. My mom stopped when I told her my sister is fine with staying and she doesn’t know that you are trying to find someone behind her back and she won’t do it completely when she finds out she is trying to push her out and she would definitely cancel her trip because I am not doing it period for one hour day week. You should be okay leaving her 9 days. You were fine leaving me 365 with no day off.
btw, sorry about the rant
I have made it clear to my husband’s family that I won’t do it. I wasn’t asked either , they decided since I was retired I would be full time caregiver... believe me , there were some ugly emails..... Won’t put my foot there, because I know (from this helpful forum) that once my foot is there , I am stuck. I’ve had numerous discussion with my husband pleading he not do the same.. I know our life will change. We just retired. I didn’t work over 50 years to take care of the women who said “don’t expect me to babysit “ when I told her we were pregnant... my problem is family wants to keep them home, instead of using the parents money to take care of them. Brother-in-law who is FPOA wants inheritance, (there won’t be any to speak of). I have made it clear to my husband if he does “sign up” ... I won’t be part of it. Parents are in their 90’s
You can block their numbers.
You can even change YOURS, and not give it to them.
Take one of these steps. It will give you some relief.
They can’t MAKE you take on Grandma’s care. If it takes doing one of the above suggestions, until you are emotionally stronger, then that’s what you CAN do.
They told me I should let it go and not be upset when she almost got me arrested over false accusations of elder abuse and she wanted to brush it off as a joke. She did apologize recently about the treatment she gave me when I was caregiver but I don’t think it counts if she keeps doing it. I am having a major panic attack. My sister said she is staying the whole nine days so my mom should leave the situation alone and go on her vacation and quit pressuring me. It’s just making me so sick. Venting on here does help and your encouraging words help and reminding me it’s not my fault for leaving and refusing to be alone with her.
But.. if Grandma has a POA & legal decision maker now 👏👏👏 that's fanrastic.
That is a huge positive step. If Grandma needs a responsible person to arrange her care - she will now hopefully get this. Rather than daughter or grandaughters that can't/ don't want to / not working out.
Note I said ARRANGE her care, not DO all the care. There is a big difference.
Throughout your post you say something, several times, to the effect of: "I can't do this, but if I don't my mom will be stuck and have a bad vacation, and I feel bad". Your mom is getting ready to go on vacation, and that's great for her - but WHY are any of you expected to pick up the caregiving slack? I'm not saying mom doesn't deserve her vacation - but if your grandma needs that level of care, and there is clearly no one who is willing - or able - to step in and assume the roll until mom returns, then mom should be looking into respite care for her mother. Her assumption that either you or your sister will jump in is, in my opinion, just as manipulative; especially as you have said over and over you are NOT willing to do it, and you say mom is well aware of what doing this in the past has done to you... It seems to me that your mom is every bit as manipulative as grandma, especially if she's laying on a guild trip with you/sis trying to rope you into a burden that you are not willing to bear,
Mom's having a good vacation is in no way, shape or form your responsibility. It's great that she's going on vacation, it really is - but it's not your responsibility to make sure there is caregiving arranged so that that can happen. When I went on vacation, I made sure there was respite care arranged for my mom, and yes, it was a complicated pain, but I persevered and got it done, so I could enjoy my vacation without any sort of qualms about mom's care.
Suggest to mom she find professional respite care for the duration of her vacation, and step away from the toxicity.
Stop showing up. Stop talking to them.
They are not listening to you and YOU seem to think that their stupid, unrealistic, manipulative expectations are orders that you need to follow.
So what if they get mad?
Sorry you have to go through this. But you have every right to take a step back, if you feel like this has engulfed your life too much.
Remember, whilst your GrandMother may be winding down, you still have your life to live, and you are just as entitled to vacations, dating and "living" as any other family member.
Actions speak louder that words alright!
"There was a emergency so I stopped by and it was assumed I would stay the night even without asking me." This is where u should have stood your ground. You gave in so now they think they can manipulate you again. Stand your ground? No you will not care for Grandmom. She is a racist and abusive and its not fair that they feel your should put up with it.
Your boyfriend has sort of given u an ultimatum. He stood by you the whole time you cared for grandmom. Now you have gotten away, he does not what to go back. I will assume ur young. Its time to continue to stand on your own two feet. You helped for a year with no appreciation. Its time to make a life away from these people. Family should not treat family this way. If you want, help in other ways. Grocery shop. Run errands. But do not enter grandmoms house. Say NO and if they get mad they get mad. You need to make a life of your own. You owe these people nothing.
That's within your control.
Whether they HEAR you is not. Or they do hear you but still try to manipulate - this also is not in your control.
Your responses & reactions ARE in your control.
Be very wary of any little tasks. Any time you fell in a hole, need to step around it next time!
Ride home that blows out to ride home + shopping trip + care duties? I have been there done that too 😳 so no longer offer rides home at all. Pop over for a quick request & find a mornings work as the carer was told a relative was coming? Been there too.
What got through to mine was *tough love boundaries*
1. No, I won't be...
2. Not turning up if I said no
3. Not bending for emotional blackmail (unsafe, fall, ill). Call EMS instead.
4. Not turning up when EMS called as then left as 'responsible person' with duty of care.
Say no. Act no. You've got this.
When they ask why, don't go into details, because they already know your reasons. Just repeat the above again -- "Oh, I thought you heard me say no. You didn't? Yeah, I said no."
Add a bland expression on your face, too, so they know this is no big deal to you because this was settled a long time ago as far as you're concern. You're just waiting for them to catch up.
Just keep your responses short and repetitive. No one can argue with someone who won't engage with them.