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My mother is in the mid stage of dementia. Long term memory is still fair to good, but short term memory is non-existent. She had a medical emergency and had to have surgery, a hernia that caused a bowel obstruction. The doctors have noticed her declined mental state and are doing everything they can to assist me. I have no POA etc so cannot make decisions for her care. They have recommended Physical Therapy upon release from the hospital to get her strength back up, and mostly to give it a "trial run" so to speak. My sister is furious that the Doctors will not talk to her, Mom never listed her as a person that they could talk to. She feels she should have equal say, she wants to call and pester everyone to confirm all I say is true, but she has yet to make the 3 hour drive to see how mom is doing. She blames me for the Doctors not talking to her and says I want to control everything. Has anyone else ever dealt with a family member like this? Any advice? I have gotten to the point I will not speak to her at all, I let her hear info second hand because I do not want to argue, but I know that is not right either. Any suggestions would be helpful. :)

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First off I have started guardianship proceedings, the hearing is next week. My sister of course is wanting co-guardianship, even though she has been here a whole 2 hours since Mom's surgery in August. We had another care conference yesterday,it was amusing, Sister took place via phone..imagine that....and she proceeded to tell the nursing home staff how to deal with alzheimer's, she knows because she cleans house for a lady with alzheimer's (the same lady she got to buy her a house). We mentioned her diet and she proceeded to tell them to remember that carbs are bad (Mom is a type 2 diabetic) and we talked about taking her off the extra vitamin C and just doing the multi-vitamin since her surgical wounds are healed. She questioned this too, because "Vitamin C supports the immune system you know, I would like to know how much C she is getting in the multi-vitamin before we take her off the extra." OMG And started questioning them about Mom's pajamas, she sent Mom pajamas, is she wearing them??? Mom always wears pajamas, how is the staff supposed to know what pair she sent? LOL
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Oh I will call in to it. Im curious as to her motive.
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Cothrangirl3.......Make sure you participate in that care conference and hold your ground. You need to keep NH staff in your court. I know that when you are tired and beat down that those conferences are very hard. When I am done with one of those, I am emotionally sucked dry. But, you can do it.
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So i just got a call from the nursing home that my sister wants to schedule a care conference, (she didn't bother to even call in to the one scheduled two weeks ago) and asked that they invite me (Helllooooo i'm the one that always attends them and i'm the one that has spent more that 2 hours with mom since the surgery) to attend. I know I need to phone into it at least, but I need to be sure I can hold my temper.
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I would go to family court, and ask for an emergency guardianship for your mother. It's not too late to set something up legally. Ask the social worker in the hospital, or rehab for advice. They were very helpful, to us, when my mother-in-law started going downhill mentally.

Also, look online for legal advice, you may be entitled to some free advice through a lot of agencies. There are A LOT of agencies out there, that will help you. Just Google "Legal Plans: Assisting a person with dementia in planning for their future". Make sure you include your state, as it varies from state-to-state, regarding laws.

Below is an excellent website:
https://www.alz.org/national/documents/brochure_legalplans.pdf
It's a very easy read without all the legal jargon. There are also PLENTY of Elder Care Attorneys, that will give you a free consultation. Again, look online for one (Google it).

Good luck and God Bless.
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My sister is just sure mom has hidden money (she doesnt). She is a vulture. Her interest in anyones well being lasts as long as their money does.
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I'm glad things are going well. It's too bad your sister was not being helpful. I don't understand her motivation. Is she contesting you becoming guardian?
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Poa is out of the question because of moms dementia so I am moving forward with the guardianship. My sister can get information from the doctors without me and does plus I set up a caring bridge website that I update daily for everyone. Since I am on Mom's bank accounts I will not have to worry about that. I have already started packing her things and will be putting her stuff in storage within a few weeks hopefully. Now it is just hoping she mends enough physically to get out of the nursing home and into an asisted living.
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I am going to answer this late into the discussion. If mom wants you to speak on her behalf and make important decisions for her, I would take her to the attorney and see what he thinks about a POA. This would save you a lot of time and money with the guardianship issue. I would also ask sis to let you know what questions she has and you will try and get her answers as far as medical. Personally, I would take anything of value out of moms apt. For distribution to the family when the time comes. I also think that the person closest )in distance) to mom should have both the medical and financial POA. This could be fine as one document with the attorney. Dealing with a**holes suck and even worse when it is family. Good luck
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UPDATE: I have a meeting with an attorney the end of the month to move forward with guardianship. Sister finally made it up to see Mom, but since I put the kabosh to her going into the apartment she stayed 2 hours instead of the 2 days she had said she was going to.
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COTHRANGIRL3, you mentioned on another thread that you are working with the Nursing homes Social Worker about obtaining Guardianship over your Mom, and that is a good place to start, hopefully you can find a low cost Attorney to assist you with this. I'm sorry for all your troubles, and everyone her has given you good advice! Please come back to share how things are going! Your sister sounds like a total BEEOOCH! But you may have to deal with her, so I would try to find a way to communicate with her for your sake, and don't let her into Mom's apartment, as she seems heartless, and may very well rip off her own Mother, since she has done it to others. Some people have No consious(sp?)!
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I think you really need to see an elder law attorney asap. Sis is up to something. And if you don't want to be shoved in the background, and she sweet talks your mom into doing what she wants - you better go Now to a lawyer. Note - elder law attorneys specialize in these kinds of stuff.

I can just see your sister calling the landlord and telling him that poor mom needs his help in keeping the bad daughter (you) from stealing from our mother. I mean, why else does she want to speak to the landlord? You don't live there. So....I could be wrong. (Reading too much mystery books.)
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You could ask the hodpital about getting emergency guardianship, in order to get mom into rehab.

No, mom can't go home and have rehab,sis. She'd need to have 24/7 care and mom can't afford that. But Medicare will pay in full for 20 days of in facility tehab. Let's do that and see where we are on 20 days".

Under no circumstances move in with mom or allow sis to move in with mom.
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At that point, for the short term anyway, I would go nuclear and tell her to f*** off. Just for now you haven't time to be nice, and your mother can't afford to mess about. She *needs* rehab if she is to be able to return home; otherwise, she'll be into the constant revolving door of home-accident-hospital, with all of the attendant risks to her medium/long-term welfare. If your sister can't grasp that, tell her she's a moron and hang up. And if she still wants to argue with someone, she can explain to your mother's doctors what evidence she has that rehab is not in your mother's best interests and see how far that gets her. And if your mother is consistently distressed after speaking to your sister, point that out to the staff on the ward and see what they can do about restricting or at least monitoring contact; they may be able to help.
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cothrangirl3, see an elder law attorney sooner rather than later. He or she can answer about access to the apartment.
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I just finished a half an hour conversation with my mom. The nurse called me, she was all ready to go to the rehab facility.....until my sister called and talked to her. After that she was agitated, refusing to go, wanting to go home, wanting to move back to the city. ARGHHHH just how can she have the nerve to say she has Mom's best interests at heart? I have tried sitting down and explaining to my "sister" about how no one has POA about HIPPA law when it comes to doctors etc. She then just accuses me of talking down to her that she knows better etc. etc. etc. And it usually ends with her saying how I was mean to her when we were kids (She is 7 years older than me) and I still am. Yes she has issues.
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With no POA I would have said you can't let her in. On what authority would you be granting her access?

Your thread is making my head throb: I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this on top of worrying about your mother's recent surgery. To stop things building up further with your sister, the two of you somehow need to have a constructive conversation (and believe me I know how much easier that is thought than achieved).

My initial reaction to her attitude is, as I'm sure yours must be sometimes - "where does she get off? Who put her in charge?" Say that to yourself as often and as strongly-worded as helps; but the trouble is it won't get you further forward in terms of keeping sister from being a pain in the wherever.

Is there a neutral third party that both of you like, trust and respect who could informally "broker" a meeting between the two of you? If sister is planning at last to appear in the scene (shove all remarks such as 'good of you to join us' or 'all hail Lady of the Lamp' to the very back of your mind right now), that could be a good opportunity to clear the air and get back on the same side; and if you can think of someone who will be an effective peacekeeper you might both find that helpful.

Meanwhile, least said soonest mended. Take Jeanne's excellent advice to use one of the update tools for general information. Keep strictly to neutral remarks such as "I'll see what I can do" or "I'm sure we'll sort something out" or even just repeating what she has said she would like - e.g. 'you'd like to see the landlord, got that' - in response to her instructions: you don't have to commit yourself to anything you're not comfortable with. Bear in mind the possibility (I'm not feeling generous enough to put it more strongly than that) that your sister's snottiness has at least some of its roots in worry and guilt, and make whatever allowances you feel like conceding. And in the end remember that you are doing your best and what sister thinks doesn't, in the real world, matter two hoots.

There's nothing wrong with your sister wanting to reassure herself that her mother is being properly taken care of and her apartment etc. are in good hands. That's fine as far as it goes; and why wouldn't you be happy to tell her, after all? But her way of going about it has already annoyed the heck out of me so I dread to think what it's done to you. Very difficult to get back from there, but worth doing if you can summon your best negotiation skills.
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She is just plum nuts. ;) For my own mental well being i have chosen to ignore her, but I am just not sure what I can legally prevent. The whole family is of the consensus that she wants to go through Mom's apartment to see what she can get. My sister is a vulture. She has conned one elderly lady she works for into buying her a house, another helped her remodel her house, everything is material to her. I could just cry right now.
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What is sisters motive? Is there money she thinks she will miss out on somehow? I realize you're on bad terms with her and not speaking at the moment, but is it even worth trying to have a disscussion with her to settle things, or is she just plum nuts?
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Okay can anyone answer this: My dear "sister" has now said she will be up in a few weeks and wants access to Mom's apartment AND wants her landlords phone number. With no POA can I keep her out?
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Mincemeat, only Mother can appoint her medical and financial POA. And if she is not competent to understand what that means it is too late for her to do that. It really isn't up to the sisters to decide who does what. I didn't know whether you meant to try to persuade Mother to do things this way, or whether you didn't understand how POA works. This is just FYI, in case you didn't know.
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You might consider communicating through Caring Bridge, setting up a page for your mother. Daily or weekly or whenever something changes post there. Your sibs can read it if they care to, and so could other relatives and Mom's friends. Everyone hears the same thing. You can write things like "the neurologist today recommended xxx" or "Mom was so funny today. She said ..."

See an attorney who specializes in Elder Law and get advice as to whether Guardian is the best course to pursue at this point. If Sis is going to fight that, you might wind up with a third party appointed. Don't go in saying "I want Guardianship" but asking what the best course would be.

If Mom really is incompetent to the point she cannot understand the concept of POA, then she is not competent to live alone. So doing rehab as a "trial run" for living in a care center might be an excellent move.

Caring for a demented or chronically ill loved one is extremely hard. It is made much harder by not having family support or even having conflict with family. Hang in there! Keep Mother's best interests in mind, and try not to let your bad sib relationships interfere with that goal.
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I am near Mom, siblings are 3 hours away. One brother is estranged, wants nothing to do with it. Other brother just doesn't give a crap, which is fine. Sister has been to see Mom 2 or 3 times in 5 or 6 years, but wants to have a say. My mom didn't even recognize her the last time they saw one another. She is going to rehab at a nursing home closer to me and it will by me a few weeks at least. I have been working on the guardianship end of things, but time and money have prevented me from starting the process.
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What are the logistics here? You're near mom, brothers and sisters are not? Any way to call a team meeting and come to an understanding? Also, you may have to go through the guardianship process for her if she is incompetent. Try to get her in rehab for PT. This will give you some time to sort it all out, or fight it out with sis and the bros.
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I have two brothers as well, they both say that since I have been the one assisting Mom for years that whatever decisions I make are fine. My sis is and "armchair quarterback" as one of the human services people describes her. She wants to bark orders, but doesn't want to play in the game. I am generally a very diplomatic person, except when it comes to her. Bad I know but true.
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Well that complicates things doesn't it.
Is it just you and sis, no other siblings? It would be best if you can find a way to sit down and calmly discuss what needs to be done with your mother, it sounds as if she needs to have a higher level of supervision, if not now then soon. I can understand her frustration and yours too! You may have to pursue guardianship of your mom, and the more you can work together on things the easier it will be. I have read on this site that there are geriatric care managers that can help families sort through these issues and reach a solution that is in the best interests of your mother.
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No my mom lives alone. I have been told that getting her to sign a POA is not longer legal because she is not of sound mind.
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Sounds like it IS time to make both your lives easier with getting a POA done. Do you live with your mother? If your sister is so insistant, why not get her to do the Medical POA and you do the Financial POA? When dealing with a relative like this, they usually calm down after making them an offer that would involve THEM changing their lifestyle to participate in the caregiving role. Best to you...not easy..very stressful!
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