I have been caregiving for my mother and father in law for the last 8 years.
while working full time. They first lost thier mobility and then the dementia set in. My husband and I have done endless things over the years. He has 5 brothers that could help but did not. N ow my husband has Depression and High blood pressure. We were almost divorced after being married 43 years.
We decided to save our marriage get a nurse in the home and move out of town to start over. Hoping that the other members of the family would be forced to help out. A couple of them did for a few months. My mother in law threw the nurse out . Pop fell not once but twice in the last 2 weeks now we have 24 /7 care in the house and all the arrangements for that always fall on me. I still help from a distance because I have all the doctor ,insurance I pay their bills online. My mother in law has been told that in order to stay in her home she has to have help but she turns them away and makes threats to them to get out of her house. I started with a good heart years ago wanting to help her but now I am bitter and my husband seems to be grieving the loss of his family. There was a history of abuse in the family by Pop, the boys stepfather. I do not know what to do
Karma!
You seem to be stuck on your belief that the do-nothing brothers must step up. But they don't have to. And your H never had to, either. Besides, regardless of your belief, you can't make someone else do something. The only thing you can change is what you do.
So one of the brothers is the POA? Then it's very simple -- turn everything over to that brother immediately. MIL and step-FIL are no longer your concern. Is that brother also the HCPOA?
I really hope that you aren't continuing on in your role as care manager even though you've moved because your H is bullying you into doing that. She's not your mother and he's only your stepFIL. Let the POA deal with all of it.
Since MIL doesn't like the hired help (and probably will never like anyone other than you), I would suggest talking to the doctor and having him give them an ultimatum. Move both into a managed care facility. If both have dementia, perhaps they can get a room together in a MC ward.
Also, I would put as much of their care as you can into the managed care facility, in other words, let the facility file insurance, let the insurance pay them, let them take the in-laws to their appointments.
Allow your husband to visit his family in the center as much as he likes. The only issue is that it will be emotional and potentially gut wrenching for him, no matter how the visits go.
If both of you agree that the marriage is worth salvaging, then both of you need to work on salvaging your marriage as your #1 priority. The problems with the in-laws needs to become noise in the overall scheme of things in your marriage. Keeping a marriage going when it came so close to divorce, is very hard work.
Bubba, you have given a wonderful gift of care to your in-laws for 8 long years. Congratulate yourself now.
As you well know, life happens. People age. Can lose their mobility & rational thinking skills too. Making the task even harder.
Your gift of hands-on care had to change - so visiting nurses were added. Then live-in.
If this is still not enought, it is time for more changes. From small tweaks & adjustments, to more services, to a geriatric manager.
Or maybe it's time for a whole new plan.
Maybe your 'gift' expires here?
Are you / DH the POA or legal Guardian for MIL & FIL?
Because I agree with Ann, if Plan A) Age at home & B) at home with more services is not enough/cancelled/too hard, then Plan C) Care home is next.
I've decided today to add to my list of Plan D)s;
Dump (as in ER dump)
Decay (at own peril)
Demise.
Didn't your stepfather-in-law also abuse your MIL? Does he still do that?
There is only RARELY the chance to right this without grief-pain-heart break.
You have observed and lived in a life that has given very few comfortable, “easy” solutions, and you have SURVIVED IT.
Anything done on behalf of your in-laws MUST be based SOLELY on their safety, BECAUSE that’s all they’ve left for ANY of their family to do.
Now that the original dynamic has shifted, you all will have to assume a position of “wait and see”.
If you are an “unofficial fall-on-me” manager, you might inform the rest of the brothers that you are stepping down and that a GERIATRIC CASE MANAGER will be a potential solution that you will all need to consider.
There ARE caregivers available who turn a deaf ear to the “threats”, and every agency we used EMPLOYED some of them. Your MIL needs to realize that she cannot be safely cared for by attempting to maintain her own control.
Are any of you considering finding the best possible residential care for them? Is it time? If “Plan A” isn’t working as well as possible, isn’t it time for “Plan B” (or C or D etc……)?
At some point, if the in-laws keep ending up in the hospital and no one shows up to collect them or "sign for delivery" as I like to think about it, the hospital discharge team will declare them an unsafe discharge and find a facility for them.
Folks with dementia should not be driving the bus.
I hope they are paying for the nurse, and not you!
Does anyone have Power of Attorney for either of these folks?
Do they both have dementia?