How to know what is right for my mother? She wants to go home- Will she hate me?

One of our very wise posters here says you should not feel guilty unless you have done something wrong. It doesn’t sound like you have. It sounds like your brothers are right.

No one I’ve ever read about on this board has ever said they enjoyed putting a loved one in a facility. The most difficult thing about it is being realistic. Most of us caregivers are not medical professionals. And, even if we were, it’s different going to work, putting in your hours with patients you are not related to and then going home. When you care for a family member, you are on-call 24/7/365. Even if the person you’re caring for is pretty easy-going, like my hubby, there are still the 3AM potty calls, the continuous washing, changing, wiping, fetching food, drinks, and the worst is worrying about a medical emergency and that you will not know what to do.

You mom, like mine, if she is becoming confused and may be suffering from dementia, may want to return “home” to the place she grew up. No Senior Citizen who has perhaps lived in their home for decades is happy about leaving, admitting they need help and counting on the kindness and personal care of people they don't now. They often react with anger and put the blame on the nearest person. This person always has doubts and feels guilt. But when we realize that if we did take the loved one into our home, we would be doing the work of three shifts of caregivers around the clock, acceptance comes easier.

I hope you and your brothers and the “everyone” you wrote about will sit down and speak frankly about your mother's needs. Offer your thoughts and listen to their’s. Sending you good vibes. Come back with updates. We care.

I’m very sorry about your mom. It’s so hard to watch our loved ones become more and more sick and helpless.
i understand your feelings of guilt. It comes from wanting her to be well and whole. Unfortunately, you have no control over that part of her life.
the real question may be, how guilty would you feel if she came home and you couldn’t give her the care she deserves.
Reassure her that you will be there for her and that you’re not going to leave her. Be involved in her care and take care of yourself so that you can be there for her.
God bless.

Mom cannot return to her home. She needs 24/7 care and that is expensive. Are you willing to care for her 24/7. Your brothers suggest a nursing home. Since they have, you may not get any help from them and when u do ask it may be "told you to put Mom in a home." If Mom is 93 then ur around 60? Are you able to lift dead weight. Change Depends, clean up her messes. Deal with her not understanding why she can't go home. Trying

While she is in rehab, have her evaluated for Long term care. If there is a nursing section in the same building, then she could be transferred over. If not, start looking and visiting NHs in the area. If she has no money apply for Medicaid.

Think hard before u take on the responsibility for her care. Its like having a baby. Your life is not your own.

Debbie, cry about this all you want. You will be grieving. The Mum you had before the stroke will be different to the Mum you have now. Massive (((hug))).

Life has changed & I want to tell you there will still be good days. You can still love your Mum, bring her a hug & smile, her favorite treat, sit in the garden, watch TV, spend time together - no matter if she lives in her home with Aides, your home with Aides visiting or a Nursing Facility. Just tell her you love her. Home will be where love will be.

Your mother's needs are only going to increase. Let your brothers take the lead and do not fight them on placing her in a nursing home. You still will be able to advocate for your mother at the nursing home. Residents whose family members show up to visit and who treat the staff with respect usually adjust well.

Hi Debbie,
I too have been struggling with guilt and sadness since this virus caused my Mother’s AL to go into no visitors allowed. She has Parkinson's and dementia. It is so hard to not physically see my Mom everyday right now. The face-time by phone is so short.
Even though I want to bring my Mom home and take care of her, I know that I cannot physically do it 24/7. Also, if I caught the virus, I would not have any backup. My Mom would not want my Husband and boys taking care of her bathroom needs.
Know in your heart that you are doing all that you can to keep her safe right now. Be as supportive as you can to the staff that are helping her.
Both you and your Mother are in my prayers!

I am sorry about what you are going through. I too had to place my mother in a NH at age 87. My mother always used to ask me to bring her home but she lived with my brother and while he provided all her support, he couldn’t assure her hygiene

Both my brother & I hated to have to place her there. Prior to this episode mom used to sneak out of the house at night to feed the animals her leftovers and also almost burned down her apartment by leaving hot oil on the stove & forgetting to turn it off. She had moderate dementia that was getting worse by the day. She would argue loudly about everything.

I coped with my decision by constantly re-affirming to myself that the NH was the safest place for her to be. Neither my brother nor I could meet her needs as far as supervision. The hospitalization that prompted this placement was for a fecal impaction; came to find out mom hadn’t moved her bowels in 2 weeks. She passed away at 89 & only had to be at the NH for 14 months. She had a stroke and then another a month later when she passed away on hospice at the NH. I was there.

Try and make yourself a mantra of “safety first” when making your decision. Her safety living with you at home will be your responsibility 24/7. You cannot in reality provide that. Plus physically at our age (I am 62) it’s a lot for one person. It will all be on you.

Putting my mother in a nursing home was the most difficult, gut wrenching decision I have ever had to make in my life so far. I felt enormous guilt every day as did my brother. But realistically it had to happen.

My mother’s brain was broken as she was self sufficient and independent and worked until she was 72.

No doubt your mother taught you that there will be hard decisions in life that have to be made. You are making that decision now for you and your family.
Under different circumstances she would be proud of you sticking up for yourself your family.

It’s a hard decision. I wish you clarity & good luck. Either way there will be plenty of tears. I cried so much over it too.

The loss you are feeling is to be expected. However, in spite of those feelings, please ask yourself what care you can realistically provide and for how long? Please make sure you fully understand what care she needs. Spend as much time as you can at the rehab center to observe her needs yourself. This virus will make that tough, but I've seen too many people rely on someone else to accurately tell them what their loved one can/cannot do that I had to mention it. If you can't be physically at her side, make sure you are asking specific questions of the staff. Ask to speak to PT/OT, speak to dietary, speak to the nurses - don't rely on any one person to tell you your mom's capabilities. And please know that elders will make misleading statements to the rehab staff regarding how much help is actually available to them at home, what medical equipment they have, how many steps their home has, etc. Somehow, these statements often don't get checked out with the family and can be false - but rehab staff believes they are making a safe discharge. And please remember that rehab is a protected, sheltered, safe environment where patients learn the drill. Some do fairly well in rehab, but are a train wreck once home because they could function in rehab but cannot manage home living and the complexities therein - even if they have help. Please don't let feelings hide the truth. One last word of caution, if you decide to have "helpers" come in to the house (nurses, aides, meal delivery, cleaning, etc), please be certain of what help you can get for her, how much it will cost, who is paying for it, and how long the help will last. Often, the family believes (because they were told it's true) that a lot more in-home help is available than what really is out there. Once home, your mom will be your responsibility and those who are currently advising you on these matters will have moved on to other patients and problems and may not even get back with you if you contact them. Your brothers seem to be trying to look out for you.

Yes, I long for the mom who was my friend who I spent time with everyday. While she is 93, she was sharp as a tack and we enjoyed each other’s company.
you make an excellent point, how guilty would I feel if she came home and I could not care for her.
thank you for your thoughtful answer. I needed this reassurance as a decision has to made very soon. I love this forum and am glad I sought help!

Your situation sounds much like mine was. I brought my mom to live with me three months after I retired. Things were not perfect, but managable until she had a stroke, one month after my back surgery. I brought her home after rehab. She couldn't do anything without assistance. She had mild dementia before the stroke and it was much worse after. My entire life was consumed with her care. I had to install a baby monitor in her room because she would try to get up in the night and fall. My surgery was a success, but I lived in fear that lifting on mom would cause more problems. I slept with one eye and ear open, as they say, much like a new parent would. My only alone time was in the shower and then it was a quickie. That's where I did my crying. I love my mom and I'm not sorry I tried to care for her, but it almost ruined any relationship we had. I had no outside life at all. I was so tired and emotionally drained that I would say mean things to her in frustration and hate myself after. I went to bed every night promising myself I would do better tomorrow. Tomorrows were not better. Eventually she fell and I couldn't catch her or get her up so the ambulance was called and she went to the ER. She was admitted with a broken pelvis. I talked with a social worker at the hospital and described our situation to her. She was amazing! Wise, kind and non-judgmental (I was judging myself enough for both of us). Together we decided it would be easier if she went to a rehab facility that also had a long term care unit that she could transition to if it was determined she could not come home. After therapy mom still couldn't walk more than a few feet with her walker, she couldn't get in my car without two people assisting let alone navigate the stairs to get to my condo so the transition to long term care was made. It's been three years now and I am thankful that I was able to get mom admitted to the nursing facility with the best reputation in the area. She has the medical care I could not offer at home. She has activities available to her that I could not provide at home. I visit often and our time together is filled with chatter and laughter not frustration and anger. I still have feelings of guilt from time to time because I know mom never wanted to be in a home, but the reality is that she is where she needs to be. I know this is a long story, but I thought it might be helpful for you to hear it. I'm not saying this would happen to you if you bring your mom home, but it is something to think about.