After a horrible abusive summer with my mom things have setteled down considerablly but I just had to deal with her having a bout of pneumonia that put her in the hospital for a few days. Unfortunalty, on the fourth day, when I went to visit she made a scene and checked herself out AMA. The doctor still had her on IV antibiotics and fluids but I think he made the mistake of asking her if she lived with anyone and if she needed to be in rehab for a couple days after release. I think she thought he was thinking she needed to be "put" somewhere where she would not be in control of her life.

I could have held fast and refused to take her home but honestly I wasnt up to dealing with the emotional aftermath of that action. So I took her home, got her settled, went and picked up her meds and food for her and let her go to bed. She's been steadily improving and has a follow up with the VA this week. I'd love to get her tested for early stages of dementia but that's not gonna happen. She's asked me to go to the doctor with her but she will not sign anything saying they can discuss anything with me. And frankly I think I need to have a conversation with her doctor with out her.

I saw her on friday and she looked better but she's still not well and she's been asking for help. Reasonable things like having my husband and I review her home owners insurance and advise her etc. I'm noticing more confusion from her on everyday things but I dont even know how to broach the subject with her without her becoming irate and agressive because she thinks I'm trying to "control" her or to "take what she has worked so hard to hold on to." I can't get her to consider a health care directive or anything of that sort. She says "she needs her kids" and she wants our help but she honestly doesnt trust anyone that I know of.

And I feel bad, guilty, etc. You guys know the drill. I called APS after the last episode in June but nothing has come of that and if people act concerned (people from church or "friends") then they are over stepping and she cuts them off. I think she knows something may be wrong but she's ashamed or embarrased so and if she doesnt make contact with people she can continue the way things are.

I have actually stopped participating in the local comunity groups where I was very involved in the little community I grew up in because I don't want to have someone ask me about her and have it come back to bite me in the butt with her. She just nows that "everyone" talks about her. I've also pretty much cut off close family members for the same reason.

And now I'm rambling...I would love to hear your guys feedback and suggestions

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I'm so sorry for this situation. My father got like that, but never that bad. You know she needs help, but she won't let you help.

If she won't sign a HIPPA release, the doctor can't talk to you, but he CAN listen to you. Call the office and see if the Dr. will meet with you just to listen, or if he would read a letter or email describing her symptoms. Ask him to do blood work etc to eliminate other diseases. You won't get the satisfaction of his response, but at least he will know what is happening with her.

Can you sit down with her at a calm time and ask HER to tell you what help she wants, what she thinks she needs? Ask her what she is afraid of. Calmly talk out her fears. If she is concerned you might take her money, tell her you understand, that some children do steal from their parents. Ask her how you could set things up to protect her from theft. Let her express her concerns, and let her tell you what she can accept.

You don't "need" to know if she has dementia. You need to know that she is in good health, and that she is not suffering from low thyroid, B12, an infection or other treatable, reversible cause of dementia. Her regular doctor can do that. Maybe he can agree to refer her to a geriatrician. Her support team - you and the doctors - can try to handle the problems created by her dementia without having to name it in her presence.

This is so very hard, and requires the patience, thick skin, and persistence of a saint. No problem, right? Good luck; you are not alone.
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