How to keep my cool when dealing with my almost 80 year old mother?

It's unrealistic to think you can always 'keep your cool' when dealing with a nasty person who's now got dementia on top of ugly personality traits which are now greatly exacerbated due to the dementia. I know. I had a mother just like this myself (and was an only child too). It seems to me that the nastier a person was during their lifetime, the more prone they are to dementia later on in life. I have no 'proof' of such a statement, just something I've noticed after being on this site for many years reading posts and seeing firsthand myself with my mother's family members.......the nastier they were in their younger days, the worse their dementia & Alzheimer's was as seniors!! Anxiety & depression also add to the likelihood of getting dementia down the road, and/or other mental illnesses and personality disorders. Again, this may just be a load of hogwash or it may be a scientifically proven medical fact, I don't know. Just MY observations. My mother lived in Memory Care AL b/c there was NO WAY she was living with me. Period.

That said, you moved to Kansas with good intentions to try to help the woman after her surgery, temporarily. You did just that. Now it's no longer working and you realize it's time to get OUT of Dodge and back to your kids and grandkids in Normalville once again. Go sit down with an Elder Care Atty in Kansas for advice and guidance, that's my suggestion. Kansas is not a filial state, so that's a good thing. See if the EC atty has advice about how to best get mom placed, given her refusal to leave the house. Ask him about POA etc., given that she's now showing signs of dementia *and providing you do not already have POA for her*. You need legal advice & an EC atty is the best one to give it to you. They are worth their weight in gold, advice wise, is what I've found.

Don't look at this as your 'failure' but as you did your best, it's not working b/c mom is nasty, and to save your sanity, you're leaving. You did a good job, you're a good daughter, and that's that. In the meantime, ignore mom's ranting & raving about you being a thief; that paranoia is part & parcel of dementia. Just try to divert her attention onto another subject or offer her a snack (don't lace it with arsenic though.....)

Wishing you the best of luck moving out and forward with your life now.

Your Mom could live for many more years and you could be 'stuck'. Perhaps talk to an elder care attorney there in Kansas and find out if you can leave her without being charged for elder abuse. Or at least look up the family care laws on the internet. But you have to get out of her house and get back home. Good luck to you.

Has she been diagnosed with dementia? Pretty classic signs. Sometimes drugs from surgery cause dementia to start or quickly progress. While you are resolving this, remember that her newer bad behaviors are some form of dementia. Don't let them get to you. Just be vague and do NOT argue with her. About anything. Ever. Not worth it.

Do you have POA? If not, will she give it to you? Doubtful but worth a try? Call elder services and tell them you need to get back to your life and that you can not deal with her and what can they suggest? She needs to be placed somewhere.

Why are you sacrificing your life, your kids, and your grandkids for this awful woman?!!

How to keep your cool isn’t the issue. The issue is why you let this happen and why you keep taking her abuse. It is time to go.

You don’t have to do this. Tell her you need to get back to your kids and grandkids and start looking at assisted living or memory care homes for her. Another option would be to hire a 24/7 caregiver. You didn’t mention the financial situation, but you need to get out of there. It’s her mental disease that causes her to call you a liar. However, no one can make you live with a mentally ill abusive old woman who doesn’t deserve your help. You’ve done as much as you reasonably could do.

Does she have the funds for assisted living or memory care (depending on her mental condition)? That is the first thing I would look into. You could move her back closer to you so you could keep an eye on her care since there is noone else, but not have to deal with her nonsense all day every day.

If she has dementia, nothing that she says can be assumed to be accurate or true.

She can accuse you of anything she wants to, but that will never make her commentary valid.

You must find a safe care setting for her and fund it by using her money, pay for round the clock help, or learn to ignore her.

You keep your cool by learning to ignore what she says or not being with her.

This is a good place to rant. Come back.