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(((((ruby)))) my mother has that elitism too. A couple of years ago she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I had made an informal diagnosis years ago. There is no doubt she has narcisissm as well. It sounds like your mum has a personality disorder too. I cannot spend much time with her and her constant negativity. We got her a live in seniors nanny and that fell apart in less than a year. Then at her request we moved her to an ALF a couple of years ago, but the people there were not good enough for her and there was trouble with the staff so within 6 months I had to move her again. She is a healthy 99 yr old physically (doctors are amazed at her)and I am now 74 and all of this is hard on me. She seems to thrive on change.This time I told her the next move would be a nursing home if she could not cope with the new ALF. She will not eat in the dining room as she says the service is bad and does not socialize even though she has said people there are a "better quality"! She always has complaints and expects me to "fix" them immediately to the point of 20+ emails a day. Finally I have stopped responding to emails. They are highly repetitive and I find the continual pressure to do stuff for her, regardless of my health and personal needs, is stressful. I have POA and am going to discuss giving that up to some non family member with her financial advisor as she has asked me for help and then gotten nasty when I did what she asked. There is no way to "win". Over my lifetime, I have tried everything. My sister is similar and no help at all though the favoured child. Guilt is one of the biggest weapons they use as well as fear and obligation - FOG - thanks to cmagnum. It is a serious and not easily treatable mental illness. In my mother's case she would never agree to treatment as she thinks she is fine and every one else is at fault. Stick to your guns and look after yourself! People of any age with this type of probem will suck the life out of you. and -as someone here said - they will chew you up, spit you out, step in the mess and then blame you. Good luck! So much of what you write sounds familiar.
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Narcissistic that describes her perfectly. I can't even bear to be in her company at the moment. I have warned my husband to stay clear because once she gets her hooks into him she will try and convince him that I am mentally unstable (who wouldnt be after looking after her), and that he could do better. This is the same man who my mother hated with all her passion 8 months ago, who refused to hear his name uttered in her presence. Now she thinks it would be great if I buggered off and he look after her! Because he is so much kinder blar blar. We had a hell of a row over it yesterday, and I said the pair of them are ganging up on me, ridiculous. Once I really stood back from all of this I thought that I am enabling this by putting up with this, I forget sometimes that I have choices as well, a lifetime of my mothers dominance makes me forget that I am an adult and not to be afraid of her. Today she will cry she will accuse me of being mean and horrible, she will suggest I see a professional to help me sort myself out, she will tell me I have always been strange, and then she will ring my sister and tell her how awful I am etc, but unlucky for mother, she has treated my sister so badly that now its like crying wolf over and over again, no one is buying the drama anymore. I've realised that I am in control not just of my own feelings but I can actually say what I think to my mother, yesterday I carefully said that I don't want to do this anymore, rather than I can't do this, that just sets me up for the failure speech from her, and how I've broken my promise to look after her etc. I want to get on with my life now, and not be scared she will dump me or not speak to me or talk about me. She is an old lady now who refuses to accept her age and her stage. This is her problem not mine. My husband and I are starting to plan where we will move on to now, it will take a couple of months maybe more to get this all sorted, but it will be sorted. And she will learn tomorrow that I will not jump and be her secretary as she calls me, I will make her call the dr as she is more than capable, I will take her to the appt, and if the doctor asks me how its all going with her, I won't just shrug and go its ok...because its not.
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Mother is very capable of doing many of the things she wants me to do for her. She is a physiotherapist and I remind her that the more she does for herself the better (we grew up with that slogan.) She can talk on the phone when it suits her but can't hear when it doesn't suit her. I have been accused of all kinds of things by my mother and my sister. You are fortunate to have sibling support. Another characteristic is that people are either good or bad - and those positions can switch quickly. My mother has suggested that I see a professional too - but she would not consider it for herself. Unfortunately my sister goes along with her. A psychiatrist who saw all of us once years ago (at my request and mother threw him out after 10 minutes) pronounced me normal and the other two not. She was not interested in his feedback.. You are right about enabling by going along with it. I have cut out at various times over the years for my survival. Now that mother is older she does need some help, but I can oversee that from a distance. She lives in another city by her own choice, and has people there who can do what is necessary. I am glad that you and your husband are making plans and that you are being more honest. It is not OK. Let the fear, guilt and obligation go, do what you need to do to see her safe in a suitable place. You may well find she will be happier there when she doesn't have you around as a whipping boy.(girl).
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RUBY:

You don't owe her squat and there's no reason why caring for her should be your Purgatory. Right now, she's just a smaller, somewhat disabled version of her old abusive self; which explains your sister doesn't want anything to do with her. I wouldn't either.

Her marbles are obviously intact, so she'll keep pushing your buttons until you do something you don't want to do. Then she'll play the victim, make you feel guilty, and until the day she passes you'll be atoning for being such a "bad, ungrateful daughter." In a nutshell, she'll own you; doormat and all.

Make her an offer she won't be able to refuse: either she cooperates and be nice or face or be sent away. For now, get some NH brochures and ask her which one she'd like to go to within 48 hours.

Might sound heartless, but there's nothing like reclaiming your self-respect.
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Sorry for the typos. I personalized the abuse you're going through and lost a little control.
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