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Ruby, I'm new here so I'm not sure we're supposed to be asking questions but I'm wondering if there's more to the story here that you haven't included that could certainly be affecting how you are feeling about taking care of your Mom. Some parents try to control their children with money and because you said you gave everything up and moved yourself and your Mom (no mention of your husband) into a "new" house (maybe one that your mother financed? because it would be difficult for most people to give everything up and move across the country into a new house) maybe your mother is expecting a whole lot in return and it will never be enough, no matter what you do and she is holding that over you. If this was the case, I would guess that it's not going to be worth it unless you decide that you are willing to take the abuse in exchange for a new house and taking care of.
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Wow am I glad I find this place...there are more people like me out there...sounds terrible but thank goodness, Logic somewhere in me figured I wasn't the only one to be going through this, but it is an incrediably isolating place to be in being a caregiver. Today is a new day, and I woke up with a new attitude to take control, I announced to mum and hubby that we are going out today, no more staying at home. I'm off to chch with mum in tow, she tried to argue, but I said nup, we're going because I want to go shopping!!! She started on how I hate pushing the wheelchair etc, I said, actually I love that wheelchair I just have a few issues with it not wanting to fold up and go easily in the car. Today I will be in control...fingers crossed it will last..Thank you so much for your posts, it really has perked me up.
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Rubyjkat, while my Mom is not nasty to me, I can relate to the controlling unhappy and complaining ways that can drive a sane person into the rubber room! You have done what 3 people probably couldn't do, but I caution you about giving up your life for hers. When they are gone, what will we have and we don't want to end up like them. Sounds to me, you need outside help, and make it clear to her that she has no choice, you're doing this for her and you.
My Dad is really exercising his meaness, I warned him that if he continues to yell at me and be disrespectful to me and the NH staff I would not visit him under those circumstances. Well upon a 2 week vacation from him, as soon as I walked in the door, he started yelling that he asked for a drink and they gave him a different drink, I mean YELLING. I tried to speak quietly with him but he wanted everyone to hear, so I said good bye until you get back to treating me with dignity.
Sometimes, no many times we have to be the ones who control the wheel, especially when our own health and lives are involved.
I hope for the best decision for your mom and for YOURSELF...your husband needs you too!
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I totally understand your misery!!! My 85 yr-old mother isn't happy unless she's criticizing, arguing or putting something or someone down. There is also an international conspiracy to rearrange, throw away, spill, misplace and keep her locked in the house. Oh, by-the-way, she has never, I repeat NEVER made a mistake. If you don't believe me, ask her.
I understand your pain. I am an only child and my 87 yr-old father passed away a few months ago. I quit my job to help take care of him after two strokes. Hospice was a huge help. I had hoped that after he passed away that she would be "easier to take" in that she would be the center of attention. I was wrong! She does take a "stress medicine", celexa. It helps, however she only takes it when she thinks shes stressed. I take her where ever she wants to go. She has a wheelchair due to the fact that she is very unstable on her feet. She wants to drive....she can't stand up alone, is deaf in one ear and can't hear out of the other one and has limited vision.
No matter what I do she yells at me and criticizes whatever it is I am attempting to do for her. I know that some of her anger and frustration is because of her aging and her constant, "word search" for what she wants to say. She has also developed a long list of conditions that she has diagnosed. She has so much anger and I am the sole recipient. I am searching for some sort of help. She won't go anywhere with anyone but me. Other family members have offered to help, she won't have any part of it. They have come to the conclusion that it's easier to leave her alone and just call and check on her occasionally. I tend to agree with them.
I hear and feel your pain. I wish I had some great advice. All I can offer is an outlet to scream and holler and cuss like a sailor if you like. I'll remember you in my thoughts and prayers and if I come across some great idea or solution for caregivers that have totally lost their minds, I'll let you know. We could start a group "Crazy Caregivers Unite". What do you think?
I hope the best for you and your mother.
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Wow you sound like such a devoted and caring daughter that anyone would love to have as their daughter. I am not sure what to say but to hang in there because you are doing an excellent job and going above and behind what anyone could ever possibly ask for.There are some agencies who have caregivers that you pay if your mom would allow it and the funds hold out. I think that this could give you an opportunity to sneak away at times and have some alone time or some time with friends if at all possible. I hope for the best for you.
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