My parents are both 82. My mom is a narcissist and has always controlled their life. My dad has been recently diagnosed with dementia but my mom has been “diagnosing” him with dementia for many years. Long story short…my dad has told family members for the last year that mom treats him terribly and has asked me to come get him 3 times in the last several months. The first time, mom let him go because I framed it as giving her a break. The second time I came but she wouldn’t let him leave. She knows how to control him and did so that day. He caved and stayed. After that interaction and her ongoing emotional abuse and manipulation, my therapist reported her for elder abuse. Those are slow moving wheels though. Third time was a few days ago. I told him if I came, he would need to stand up to her. He did, my husband and I picked him up later that day. Now he’s with me and worried about my mom being alone and wants to go back. We won’t take him back without a solid care plan, ultimately for both of them. It’s clear to us after a few days that his dementia is progressing fast and will very soon need memory care. My mom will not agree to that but also doesn’t and won’t care for his needs (but would never admit to that). She told my brother and I that no one will decide when they leave their single family home or when they stop driving but them. And at this point, it’s only her deciding because he can’t. She can’t drive due to blindness in one eye from a fairly recent stroke, but even after telling us he should not drive anymore, she has him driving at her whim. She has POA and he for her.
How do I get him the care he needs when she won’t cooperate? I’m lost and can’t see a path forward or even who to contact for help.
Thanks for any advice you can give!
Like yours, my parents lived in a single family house and my father drove well into his 90s. He was showing the beginnings of dementia and had age related macular degeneration and I'd lose sleep over the fact that he was still driving. (His eye doctor actually signed off on him having. a limited drivers license, which I thought was ridiculous.)
My mother was an abusive bully. My father was not capable of an independent thought, my mother made sure of that. She was so nasty to him. But he just accepted it. Never stood up for himself.
They did not want to consider assisted living and they were living alone, with caregivers coming in for just 8 hours. I stayed with them every other month but was not going to move back to NYC to live there full time. They were adamant that they wanted to die in their home. My sisters and I knew we needed to act, and we were biding our time. We were waiting for the event that sent one of them to the ER, which eventually happened.
You aren't a qualified therapist. That's the honest truth. There's nothing you can do to change their basic dynamics.
I would step away, and let them know I am doing so. And give them the numbers for APS should they need to contact help that is not involved in familial historical problems.
With all due respect, are you not ashamed of yourself for being so spineless that your therapist had to call APS and report on your parents? Unbelievable. Your therapist should have their license to practice suspended for that. It is not their place to act as a social worker for your parents.
If you can temporarily pull yourself together, go to the local police station tomorrow in the town where your parents live. Explain to the cops how they are living and that they're still driving. Then ask them to do regular wellness checks on them and to also call APS. They respond fast when the call comes from the cops. When it comes from an adult child's therapist, they shake their heads and enjoy a laugh over it after work at some bar's happy hour.
Talk to the police.
Can you talk to the Attorney that did the original documents? Given your dad's diagnosis there might be other papers that need to be done.
You can try to obtain Guardianship of your dad so you are the one that will make decisions for your dad. Guardianship is not easy there is paperwork involved. And it can be expensive although the cost of Guardianship should be covered by your dad's assets.
I think if you also make a call to APS and report the abuse that may do more to further any investigation that is being done.
In my state (Wisconsin), a person can agree to move to an assisted-living facility or other long-term care facility if the person is competent to do so. If the person doesn't agree to move to the facility or the person isn't competent to make the decision, the person who is the POA agent CANNOT move the person to a facility. A guardianship is required. Because of this, when my mom's memory problems were starting and she had some needs for physical care but she was still competent, I hoped that she would agree to move to a memory care assisted-living facility. She did agree, so my siblings and I were never in the position of having to decide whether to try to get a guardianship for her.
You got very lucky. 99.9% of the time when an elder is still home, they flatly refuse to move to any kind of facility and their family must fight tooth and nail to get them into one.