Adjusting to Memory Care. How to help my very negative mother with Alzheimer's and narcissistic tendencies settle in at Memory Care?

I'm glad to hear that you're getting some comfort from the responses you've recieved. Once you've placed your LO in MC, there's not much else you can do. You can try to help her yourself until you're blue in the face. Her becoming acclimated to her new surrounding is more a function of the facilty staff than you. Your job now is to keep on visiting and still to be her advocate.

Rather than try to accept her new home, trying reminiscing when you meet her. Bring up things that you remember. Ask about her childhood. Do you have any photo albums you could go thru? She will eventually adapt and you will feel better about both her life and yours.

Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice, all of which have helped me to understand how to deal with my Mom and deal with my feelings about accepting reality. It will take time, but I'll get there because of your support and knowing that my Mom is getting the care she needs and is safe. Best wishes to all of you!

Truth is, she's doing fine. She's just playing up how 'horrible' everything is for YOU, just like MY mother does with ME when I speak to her. She too lives in Memory Care, which is nowhere ANYBODY is 'moving to when we retire', let's face it. Not unless we have advanced dementia or Alzheimer's.

The key is to cut DOWN your contact with mother until/unless she cuts down on her negativity & complaining. I always listen to my mother up to a point, then say "I have to go now mom, I'll speak to you at another time when you're in a better mood." Works a charm. Like magic, she's in a 'better mood' the next time we speak.

Taking your mother out of her new home once a week is a super bad idea. She won't want to go back to her new home & then you're The Bad Guy even MORE so than you were before you took her out of there for the day.

There is no reasoning with dementia. There is no self defense with dementia, for us, because they'll just keep repeating the same old accusations until they're blue in the face and we're wracked with guilt for no good reason. We didn't 'put' anybody anywhere. Disease came along to wreck EVERYONE'S life and to affect ALL OF US, and so, decisions were made together that would be best for all concerned.

When my mother accuses me of 'putting' her in the Memory Care, I give her about a 2 minute explanation of what REALLY happened to get her placed there, and then I move on. If she won't get off the subject, then I get OFF the phone or end the window visit.

These women don't want 'solutions', they just want to complain and make US feel like Bad Daughters. That only works when they have a willing audience. We're suffering here too, that's the bottom line. Nobody escapes the heartache and headache of dementia. OUR feelings matter too, and so does the quality of OUR lives.

The reality is, our mother's are FINE where they're at, they're well cared for, fed, and entertained every day as well. They have bright, clean, beautiful suites that look more like hotel rooms than 'facilities' and that's it. We have nothing to feel guilty about and they have minimal things to complain about. But, as long as they have a captive audience, they'll continue doing it until WE are so stressed out, WE will need rehab OURSELVES.

Wise up.

Good luck!

EVERYONE complains!! I’m starting to think it’s like a fraternity initiation- FOR THE LOVING CAREGIVERS.

You will find, as we ALL HAVE, that the less fuss you make over her comments, the more easily and probably quickly she will adjust, and conversely, the more you hover and sympathize with her, the more passionately and ornately she will perform.

My LO had been on an antidepressant when she entered, and an Angel Psychiatric Assistant who worked with her fine tuned her dosage. She took about 6 months to really become totally comfortable, and that’s probably longish.

In your situation I would definitely NOT take her out, and especially not to your home. If you feel you must, a ride around a lake or through a park?

Fewer shorter visits for now. When she starts to whine- “I love you dearly mom but I have to go feed the Iguana. I’ll be back in a day or two.” Then turn around and leave.

”.......putting her there......”? “I LOVE it here, Mom. I’m thinking seriously about moving here when I retire myself. No housework, lovely food, lots of nice people.....”. Then quickly tell her about something else, TV, politics, fashion, whatever. If she won’t stop, do the “I love you ......feed the iguana...”. AND LEAVE.

You are suffering MUCH MORE than SHE is. If you placed her out of your love and concern for her, and if she’s SAFE and WELL CARED for, be at Peace. You’ve done your job and done it lovingly.

I had to adjust my own thinking when moving my mother to a nursing home, so I compared it to moving my kids into their dorms when they went to college. Colleges hate helicopter parents, and I'm certainly not one anyway, so I heeded the advice of the school folks and dropped them off with a cheery smile and didn't talk to them for at least 10 days. It allowed them to shift from living with the rules of home to learning to live within the boundaries of their new living situation.

The same worked for my mother. She didn't throw a fit like your mother did, but she was already suffering from having lost my dad just a couple of weeks earlier. I moved her in, told her we were always going to be there for her, then stepped back a bit to let the nursing home personnel welcome her into their community. It worked well, but since she was living only about a mile from her house, I picked her up and brought her to the house where we'd have dinner once a week.

BIG mistake.

She was distraught every time I had to take her back to the nursing home, and I eventually realized that her house was what was "home," and the nursing home was the "away" place. We had to shift that thinking, so the trips to the house had to stop. Instead, we brought dinner to her place and had it there at "her house."

Your mom is just having a tough time settling in, but she will settle in. Take your cues from the staff at the nursing home. They won't flat-out tell you what to do unless you ask for their opinion, so do ask. Be a listening ear to your mom -- she scared, and like any dementia patient, doesn't do change well. Add to it a recent stay in two other strange places (hospital and rehab), and there's no wonder she's distraught. My mental cognizance is fine, and I'D be distraught.

Just try to cut her some slack. I always feel bad for these parents who are described as being narcissistic, because I think they're more likely terrified than anything. Getting old stinks, and it's terrifying even when you're in decent health. The fears grow exponentially when your brain isn't working well and your health starts declining. Just try to be kind, supportive, and reassuring. You aren't required to fix everything she thinks needs to be fixed, because you have fixed things by putting her in a place where she'll be safe and cared for. She'll come around eventually.

I think your real question here is: How to help me feel less guilty about moving Mother in Memory Care?

You already know Mother is a narcissist and negative. These traits don't ease up as people age or with dementia. Often the opposite happens... it amps up!

You are doing the best thing for her. Even if you waited on her 24/7 and gave her anything she wanted the minute she asked, she'd still complain. She has never been and never will be happy, and I think you know there's nothing you can do about that. You ARE being a good daughter to her, even if she insists you're not. There is nothing to feel guilty or regretful about this.

And NO, do not take her to your home for visits! This does way more harm than good... it may help ease your guilt feeling, but it will be detrimental to her. She needs routine and even a few hours break from that routine can put her in a mental tailspin for days. We had to stop taking my husband's grandma from Memory Care to get lunch. The 1.5 hours away made her even more disoriented when we brought her back.

I would say perhaps you should work on adjusting your own expectations. You have done your best and found a good place. Don't ask her to "be happy about it" as it is likely a fact, given how you describe her personality, that she was EVER fully happy about anything.
Yes, just listen. And tell her "I am so sorry you feel that way". And when she wants "answers" or for you to "do something" just tell her you just aren't a Ms. Fix-it, and while you are sorry for your own limitations, you are just riddled with them; just nothing you can do". She will likely them move to TELLING you what to do. Likely the answer there is "Oh, I am sorry, I couldn't possibly do that".
Not everything can be fixed. Not everything is a happy thing. Where we end, in memory care, is the point where they have pretty much taken everything from us. It is tough and sad and awful to see. But again, not everything can be fixed. I am so sorry for your grief. Just understand that grief is what you are feeling, not guilt. You aren't a felon. You are a daughter struggling to do your best.

Do NOT bring her to your house for a visit.
She needs to get used to the routine in MC.
If she goes into a tirade on the phone say.."mom I have to go now" and hang up. If you are there and she goes into a tirade say.."mom I have to go now" and then tell her good bye and leave. No further discussion.
She says she wants to leave after her lease is up. Tell her that you will talk about that in a year.
It has been a week. Let her settle in and get used to things.
But do not give in. Do not bring her home for a visit. Do not argue with her.

My first thought was that perhaps you need to limit your time with your mom, along with any phone calls. I would not take her out of the facility and to your home, once a week, as that I'm guessing is only making things worse. Once she's more settled, you can take her out for just special occasions, like her birthday and such. And if her phone calls only consist of her complaining, then you might want to just call once or twice a week, so as not to have to listen to that, and just listen to what she's saying without trying to give her "ideas or solutions", as you have to remember that with folks that have Alzheimer's or dementia that "logic doesn't live here anymore", so really it's useless to even try to reason with her.
You are doing the very best you can, and unfortunately there are just some people that will never be happy no matter what. So rest in the knowledge that mom is being well taken care of, and she will be just fine, regardless if she says otherwise. God bless you.