My 85 year old aunt, who never married, is contemplating back surgery due to persistent pain. Her back has been an issue for years, and she has done her best to deal with it in a healthy way. The doctors are currently suggesting steroid injections and pain killers before trying anything more drastic. My aunt also suffers from recurring bouts of vertigo. My aunt gave my sister power of attorney (over exactly what, my sis says is unclear). My aunt lives a six hour drive away from my sister, on the East coast, and I am on the West Coast, thousands of miles away. There is a supportive community around my aunt where she lives in her own home, but we don't know any of these people. My sister has a very hard time setting limits and asking hard questions, while (after years of therapy), I do not. I don't want to get in the middle of something that has not been made my business, but I want to be there for my sister and aunt in case the worst happens and our aunt is incapacitated, perhaps permanently, by surgery. Should I push my sister to ask more question? Should I ask them myself? I tend to be direct and "cut to the chase," but that may not be the best approach in this situation right now. Our mother, my aunt's sister, is also still living and in AL near my sister, so it is concerning to think about another elderly relative needing our help with so little information to go on.
I'd also be surprised that a doctor would seriously consider surgery on an 85-year-old's back, so first and foremost, pressure Auntie to get the cortisone shots before anything else.
By "guiding" her you won't seem like you are being pushy or "know-it-all" but you are being a sister looking out for her.
If there is a way that she can arrange to accompany your Aunt to a doctors appointment under the guise that she will be helping arrange care after any procedure. She can then ask the doctor other questions that may come up when one of her/your own is answered.
Even though it is a distance she, your sister, should be there when your Aunt gets these treatments in case there is a problem. And it would give your sister a chance to meet the "supportive community" and see what can be arranged regarding caring for your Aunt.