How to help my father who refuses to help himself?

I agree about getting him checked out by the doctor to see if there are any reasons for this behavior, like vitamin deficiency, depression, hypothyroidism, etc. These things can make you feel exhausted and with little will to go on, you are so tired. I'd also ask the doctor to explore dementia to see if that is it. My LO acted very similar to how your dad is doing. I was perplexed. I had no idea what was wrong with her. She was denying that she was a type II diabetic! It was like she forgot or was in denial. Slept all day, didn't want to visit anyone, REFUSED to bathe! We didn't know why, but, about a year later, she really got bad and was diagnosed with SEVERE dementia. I felt bad, because, I had blamed her for not having more motivation. The thing is, her brain was not allowing her to do those things.

I hope you can find the answers you need that will help him. IF he could do better, he probably would.

NutrixxRN, has your dad ever had a cognitive exam by a doctor? He sounds like me may have the beginnings of dementia, but it would be helpful to confirm. I agree in general with the comments made by lkdrymom. The problem is that the dumpsterfire that will result will fall into your mom's lap, or anyone else who is attempting to help out. And their need for care will only increase. Most likely he would refuse the see the doc for this so telling a therapeutic fib is acceptable, such as "An annual exam is now required by Medicare". You (or your mom) must prepare a note in advance that requests he be given a cognitive exam and also test for a UTI. Pass the note discretely to the doc or staff prior to the exam. They are happy to do this for the family. Preferably someone should sit in the appointment with him as surely your dad won't pass on any info. While at the doctor's office request a Medical Information Release form and have your dad make you or you mom his representative so that his doctor can release your dad's medical info to you and can intake information from you. They won't do it just because you're related. If you get this far -- yay! Good luck, let us know how it goes.

Your dad doesn’t just have physical issues, there’s something going on mentally that is causing his apathy toward doing anything. It could be depression or some type of dementia. He needs a medical evaluation that includes his mental status, the problem will be getting him there. You have no power here, it lies with your mother. She could first try to get him to an appointment, telling him it’s a checkup and informing the doctor ahead of it about what she’s seeing. If that doesn’t work and he refuses to go, then she to needs change because he won’t. She has to not complain or remind, but stop doing all that he should, likely she needs to leave for a few weeks, maybe come visit you. Maybe if he has no one doing for him that could jolt him into agreeing to seeing a doctor. In the end, the first answer is correct, he’s free to make his own bad choices, but your mom shouldn’t bear the brunt of them. Look out for her if he won’t budge

As an adult, he gets to make his own choices, even bad ones.

My father would try to get me to do everything for him. I didn't mind helping with things he truly couldn't do, but refused on those he just didn't feel like doing.

We begged my father for years to get hearing aids. Finally a doctor convinced him to do it. Or so I thought. He just figured he would go to all the appointments to get to the point of getting one, then figure out a way to decline. And added bonus....it required me to take off of work several times for this little charade. So it is time to order and he tells me 'maybe in a few months". I tell him, 'no, now'. He gets them, he can hear! A week later I am returning them because he refuses to wear them because 'he doesn't like the way he sounds'. I make it very clear to him that if he returns them I will not be his ears. I will not make phone calls for him. He needs to live with the consequences of his actions. He agreed. Then promptly asked me to make a phone call for him "because he can't hear". I refused.

There is not much you can do with your father. He has to want it. But you can tell him that he has to live with the consequences and cannot expect others to accommodate him when he has heath issues as a direct result. Would he listen if you pointed out it will be a hardship on you and your mother if he doesn't do what he needs to do now?