I am an only child doing my best to visit my mother every other day, cook for her, listen to her complain how lonely and miserable she is. She lives in her house, which is not fancy but nice. My mother doesn't have any grandkids, just a 56 year old daughter who is doing her best. I talk to her about going to a nice Assisted Living facility in our area. She doesn't want that. She looks out the window of her house and sees life moving forward, but since she had a small health issue last December, she has given up. Up until then, she was sooooo active. My father has been deceased for 15 years. I only stayed with her one night and that's the day he passed away at home. Very strong and independent (well, use to be). She has had so many loved ones and friends die, and I really never saw her cry. She never dwelt on things or too much of a worrier. If something happened, it would upset her and then move on. After she had that health scare last December (fainted with a bleeding ulcer we didn't know she had), she hasn't been the same. She doesn't go anywhere, but to the beauty parlor once a week. It takes her hours to do that. (not physically but in her head). She worries about everything. She use to love watching tv (soaps, Dancing with the Stars, etc). Nothing. Just kind of lays in the bed. I'm not a doctor, but I think she suffers from depression and an anxiety disorder. I have gotten her some meds when all of this started, but she will not take them. She says she will be a zombie. I have a wonderful husband, but I am not going to burden him with all of these details. When he sees her every several weeks, she said she looks good. She does. Truly, the problem is not physical. Sometimes, I just need to share this with someone who is experiencing similar things. My colleagues are all young so I really don't have any one to relate to. Thanks for the forum.
Don’t ask her. When they come just act like it was their idea. Then leave them alone. Just go in another room so she (and you) feel safe with them alone together.
I’m so sorry. Hugs!
thank you for that
Carers need to be cared for too, but the only people who can do that are we carers ourselves. My husband is bi polar 2, my experience is that dealing with depressed and or anxious people is indeed a challenge, perhap not in the league of dementia like my mother, but no less draining. If you feel depressed see your GP for assessment, the right medication can do wonders. It will also need behaviour modification on your part as well, but it does mean you can be more effective in dealing with your mother. Ignoring the problem will not make it go away for either of you.
Your description of your Mother leads me to believe that this may not be a forever thing; that she may snap out of this, given a bit of time and (more) patience. Since this began at the time of her hospitalization, I am only guessing that a Doctor, Nurse or someone, perhaps another patient, may have said something that triggered her feelings of anxiety and foreboding. As for the meds refusal - I would tell her that as far as becoming a zombie - to you, she already is and that you had hoped the medication would bring her back to what you perceive to be her "normal self." Keep trying to make her understand that for her sake and yours, she needs to TRY to help herself; you cannot do it for her, but you will help her as long as she tries to help herself. At 88, your Mom may not be around for too much longer. I can understand your concern about wanting her to be happy. That is how you will want to remember her.
You are an intelligent, caring daughter. A parent would be proud to have you as their child. Hang in there; I have a feeling that things will get better, rather than worse.
She wasn’t honest with her doctor. This woman is depressed and riddled with anxiety. I don’t even go around her now being on the wrong drug. It’s crazy.
Consequently, I suggest that you try a little subterfuge by asking Mom to accompany you to activities where she will make her own friends (who will probably encourage her to do what you already have suggested). For example, in my area there are classes for Life Long Learning. These classes are usually open to any middle-aged or older people, but many participants are already retired, in IL, or living alone. The focus is on intellectually stimulating endeavors, plays, travel, games, and even college level courses.
If that isn’t her thing, how about church groups.
The point is that if she hangs out with her peers doing things she finds stimulating, she’ll see that she has options for happiness from others in the same boat that she is. As someone else on this site responded, elders aren’t always receptive to getting advice from their children or even medical professionals. Sometimes, seniors (and others) prefer advice from people they see as being in the same boat they are.
Note: That is why many of us love this site, right? LOL!
Does your mother knit or sew or do any crafts? Would she make things for sale or donation through a church or a senior organization? Doing things for others focuses attention on someone else and gives one a feeling of purpose.
As far as human development (from my RN psych classes), she is at the stage where she needs to look back at her life. She needs to feel that she is leaving a legacy or has made a contribution to society. Talk with her about what she would like to be known for. If she feels despair about this, get her involved in the community in some way.
It sounds like you and I have the same Mom. I am 55, work full time, and am single.
I find it impossible to be or do whatever mom needs and I live with anger and resentment most days. Do experience this? I want to enjoy her, but she is miserable, depressed, negative, and has nothing to talk about. I feel like I am nothing more than her gopher.
When i finally bust and tell her this, she'll behave for a day or two and then back to the same.
I think i would be patient and more caring if her behavior was age related, but she's always been a narcissitic, controlling person. Shes never been social, very critical of other people, so really no friends. No hobbies. It hurts my soul to see such a wasted life.
My sister and i have tried and tried to make her happy as well. I finally realize- like really get - that no one can make someone else happy. So now, I want to do what makes me happy, and when she gets testy when I go out or dont include her - well, im not going to sit at home watching tv all day just to keep her company. I can honestly say that having her live with me has just about ruined my life, and very much has changed my personality.
How do you deal with the day to day living with your Mom? Are you able to not lose yourself?
I'd also be aware of looking at what resources are out there for supporting her at her own home. Assisted living is not for everyone.
Good luck and remember, there is still hope.
I fought the doctors re: putting DH on Zoloft until the day I saw him so depressed and his head hanging down from worries. The Zoloft helped him his last year on earth. I had no regrets as I had to allow the Zoloft to allow him to continue living his last year.