My Father is 78 and my guilt is I introduced him to his now wife. Background, he was new to kidney failure and depressed. Literally wasting away so, I felt what would be better than an energetic woman to raise him from the abyss. Well, he married her and soon after she began hating me, and his female siblings. I didn't mention I was his caregiver for end stage renal disease for 5 years. I did his dialysis at home as he progressed to hemodialysis in a clinic. They married, moved into a home for them. Fast forward, I've been told as his 55-year-old daughter, that I'm now the wife. That I play games about his health. She will say that I've been cursed, that he's cursed in front of me. Her biological children have disapproved of her behavior. She's called the police on my father's son (a consummate professional).
My father gets mad and says he's going to make changes and doesn't. She's whispered to me she knows how to work men. My father pays all bills. He wants her to save everything in the event of his demise so she can afford a good life. As I write this (and re-read it) perhaps this is the life he has chosen. He's chosen his life though not the one we hoped for him. I felt it was abuse due to her rude language when she is angry with him, isolation from his loved ones, etc. but now I'm not sure. Help!
"My father gets mad and says he's going to make changes and doesn't. She's whispered to me she knows how to work men. My father pays all bills. He wants her to save everything in the event of his demise so she can afford a good life. As I write this (and re-read it) perhaps this is the life he has chosen. He's chosen his life though not the one we hoped for him. "
You are absolutely correct in that.
Best to you.
The same thing happened with my father. He hooked up with some serious trash and a real "professional" if you take my meaning, who he thought was the best thing since sliced bread until he bought a property and put her name on the deed. Then her true colors came out and they were ugly. They didn't get married thank God.
There's nothing you can do and it isn't your fault. You thought you were introducing your father to a decent woman who would be a nice companion that would lift his spirits. You didn't force him to marry her. He chose his life. 'He made his bed and now has to lie in it'. It's sad that his wife has alienated his family. He chose her though.
It's time for you to take a big step back. Let your father know that you'll help him if he grows a set and gets serious about making the changes he needs to make. There's no forgiving her calling the cops on your brother if he did nothing wrong.
But, make your speech plain and tell him you are not available for him to "vent" at and are not running a complaint department. When he's serious about getting making the changes in his life he needs, let him know you'll be available to help him.
As for his wife being nasty and rude to you, Oh I don't think so. Give it right back to that b*tch and then some. You don't owe her respect or anything else.
Next time she gets rude with you, point to your backside and tell her to kiss it. Don't tolerate any of her mess for a second, sister.
My dad got caught up in a situation like that while my mother was in good health. He carried on with that woman like she was a bag of gold. It was more or less like a bag of fool's gold so to speak. His wife or her daughter's couldn't stand me because I knew what they were up to. The rest of the family went along with this charade. It was sickening to watch.
We called them opportunists.
If the father is a sick, disabled, or vulnerable elderly person alienating him from his family is abuse and is considered so by the law in most states.
I am sorry that your father and your family aren’t treated well by his wife. You say that you would report her behavior as abuse. Can you elaborate more on that please?
I see where she is emotionally abusing him but is she physically or financially abusing him too? As far as him paying the bills, he must have agreed to this arrangement.
Your dad is the only one who can make changes in his life. I don’t know what you can do about this situation.
Best wishes to you and your family.