My dad died suddenly, though not unexpectedly, last month. I've posted here about him while he was alive but the recap he had cancer twice over a period of years, and eventually about 6 months ago started being hospitalised repeatedly with lung infections and sepsis, ultimately suddenly passing from pneumonia whilst in recovery from sepsis. My mom has life limiting leukemia. We're a small family and I have one sister who lives maybe 15 miles away.
I moved home from abroad a few years ago when my dad's health started to decline as my sister wasn't really useful and my mom was finding it tough. He never became terribly dependant on me or my mom really (compared to other posts I read here) but things were tough for him. He'd always been the strong I-can-fix-anything dad and gradually his body stopped co-operating. My sister wouldn't be the kind to visit or help out much at all, even when he was at his sickest. That was her decision and she's entitled to make it. Neither her nor her husband work and they have a lot of free time, but for reasons known to them they elected not to spend it visiting or helping either of my parents, even when I moved back overseas about a month before my dad died and my parents were back to being just the two of them at the house. I came back (again!) when my dad was taken into ICU a few days after I left, and I let my job go as I couldn't say for sure when I would make it back. So I'm staying at my parents' house temporarily whilst I job hunt, and helping my mom wade through the swathes of paperwork that go along with someone dying.
As if by magic, now that my dad is gone my sister and her husband are all over my mom like a rash. Constantly showing up at her house (wouldn't see them from one end of the week to the next before), wanting to go through my dad's things, talking about his finances etc. My mom says it's because they're hoping for a cut of my dad's life insurance (he co-signed on their mortgage and seeing as they choose not to work they can barely make their payments). What my mom does with her money is entirely up to her, but my heart is aching and my blood is boiling for all the times my dad needed their help and they wouldn't come, and when he wanted her to visit but she chose not to.
I know that this is my issue to work through, I couldn't make her help when he was alive and I managed to let that go at the time. I don't think it's guilt on her part that's led to this 180 change in character (I'd be inclined to agree with my mom's assertion!) and the rage is making me go bananas. I'm reluctant to leave as my mom's taken my dad's death very hard (she already suffers from depression) and I would worry about her being alone, but the compulsion to let go at my sister is growing! Help!
My mom is scared of confrontation with my sister so although she doesn't like them having keys (certainly not the husband anyway!) she doesn't want to be the one to say anything. But if I say something I sound like the crazy controlling sister. My mom doesn't mind so much my sister having a key in case of emergency. Changing the locks would feel kind of extreme and my mom would end up giving my sister a new key in the end I expect.
I don't think my mom is the type to play us off against each other as such, though my sister claimed during our altercation on the doorstep that my mom and dad hated me being back home and wished I would leave. I asked my parents about that at the time and they said they hadn't said it, and my sister would lie about just about anything, but I guess you never know either.
In general my mom's line on it all is that although she's uncomfortable and doesn't like what's going on, my sister is 'her daughter too' and that's the end of it. I'm not asking my mom to disown her by the way!
You and your mom seem to be on the same page and she has voiced her opinions so the door is open to discuss boundaries with her.
I would also add that although you are currently a guest in the home it is likely to be your home for quite a while given Mom's fragile health and assuming you will assume the roll of her caretaker as she needs more help.
With her permission next time this pair fly in request they key and ask that they call ahead in future to let Mom know when they are comming. While she appreciates their concern and "desire" to help with Dad's paperwork and pocessions she wants to take care of this on her own as she understands exactly how he liked things done and having someone else "help" is just an added burden for her.
Unexpected visits are very disrupting and may interupt something she is in the middle of doing which is hard anyway. As far as Dad's belongings are concerned it is far too early and painful to begin disposing of anything. She wants things left as he left them for the time being. When she is ready to face it she will tell them what she is ready to let go and they can choose things that can be of use to them.
Above all make it clear that the house key does not leave with them the next time they visit.
All of that being said it is perfectly reasonable to a family member to have a house key and I personally would not be concerned but in this case the vultures clearly have an ulterior motive.
Is it possible that dad had been helping out with the mortgage payments from time to time and not telling Mom? All this is clearly money motivated and has nothing to do eith mom's welfare. I assume they know the contents of the parents wills so if there is something comming from Dad it will appear when the executers have completed their job and it is filed. Their fear is that Mom will change hers or her money will be eaten up in her final care.
So the short answer is set your boudaries and don't waste your emotional health on them.
I guess it's the emotional side I am really struggling with and I'm wondering how other people deal with that. I wouldn't go so far as to say I hate my sister (her husband maybe!) but the sheer rage I have toward her is what scares me, and I feel like it will only damage me in the end. She'll sail away doing whatever she pleases as usual without a care in the world no doubt.
When my dad was sick she did nothing, like literally nothing, while her and her husband are both unemployed out of choice and had all the free time to visit even just to pass some time with him. This magical turnabout is what galls me - where the heck were they when he needed them most? And why now? I doubt it's guilt, they're not really built that way!
My mom says she doesn't like them calling around (they both have a key from when they lived here and will show up unannounced and let themselves in) but she won't try and broach it with them at all (and I'm not going to push her to, she's grieving my father and that's plenty for her to shoulder). The husband talks a lot about 'we' - oh we have plenty of time to pick the headstone, oh we can look through his things and both my mom and I hate it. I feel like screaming 'oh we? Like suddenly you're part of this when all the hard work is done??!' but I know it would upset my mom.
So what do I do for my own sanity? Help!