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My dad died suddenly, though not unexpectedly, last month. I've posted here about him while he was alive but the recap he had cancer twice over a period of years, and eventually about 6 months ago started being hospitalised repeatedly with lung infections and sepsis, ultimately suddenly passing from pneumonia whilst in recovery from sepsis. My mom has life limiting leukemia. We're a small family and I have one sister who lives maybe 15 miles away.

I moved home from abroad a few years ago when my dad's health started to decline as my sister wasn't really useful and my mom was finding it tough. He never became terribly dependant on me or my mom really (compared to other posts I read here) but things were tough for him. He'd always been the strong I-can-fix-anything dad and gradually his body stopped co-operating. My sister wouldn't be the kind to visit or help out much at all, even when he was at his sickest. That was her decision and she's entitled to make it. Neither her nor her husband work and they have a lot of free time, but for reasons known to them they elected not to spend it visiting or helping either of my parents, even when I moved back overseas about a month before my dad died and my parents were back to being just the two of them at the house. I came back (again!) when my dad was taken into ICU a few days after I left, and I let my job go as I couldn't say for sure when I would make it back. So I'm staying at my parents' house temporarily whilst I job hunt, and helping my mom wade through the swathes of paperwork that go along with someone dying.

As if by magic, now that my dad is gone my sister and her husband are all over my mom like a rash. Constantly showing up at her house (wouldn't see them from one end of the week to the next before), wanting to go through my dad's things, talking about his finances etc. My mom says it's because they're hoping for a cut of my dad's life insurance (he co-signed on their mortgage and seeing as they choose not to work they can barely make their payments). What my mom does with her money is entirely up to her, but my heart is aching and my blood is boiling for all the times my dad needed their help and they wouldn't come, and when he wanted her to visit but she chose not to.

I know that this is my issue to work through, I couldn't make her help when he was alive and I managed to let that go at the time. I don't think it's guilt on her part that's led to this 180 change in character (I'd be inclined to agree with my mom's assertion!) and the rage is making me go bananas. I'm reluctant to leave as my mom's taken my dad's death very hard (she already suffers from depression) and I would worry about her being alone, but the compulsion to let go at my sister is growing! Help!

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I hear bells going off in my head. Mom may not "be the type" to play you off against each other, but she's certainly talking about her sister to you, and it seems she does the same to your sister.

Mom hates confrontation? So what she does is she gives the message to one of you and he's it gets resolved. But what actually happens is you guys end up seeing the other as the bad guy.

I would suggest that getting yourself some therapy might be a wise investment in your own future.
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Your mom is putting you in the middle. She is complaining about your sister to you, but won't let you do anything to change the equation - so you're powerless. That's not fair to you. Mom may not be playing you two siblings against each other, but what she is doing is having the same effect.

If mom won't stand up to sister, she either needs to find someone else to complain to (friend or other relative) or you need to get counseling, so that you can manage being in the middle. You're in an impossible emotional position right now. No wonder you're feeling rage and feel like you're going to explode. I would too.
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As for dropping by at your mom's and letting themselves in, it's really not expensive to have the locks changed. Just say that she is fearful now that she will be on her own if they need an explanation. As for the rest tell her you are not ready to go through dads things etc and you will let her know when you need her (when pigs fly). I think the rage can only be tempered by counselling, or time. Try to avoid her, and let your mom know you won't discuss her. (Could she be playing the two of you off each other, perhaps?) And I'm sorry for your loss, I would think her behavior is becoming entwined in your grief work.
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Glasker, there are two trails here. One is protecting your emotional and financial well being. The other is protecting mom. Sounds like she and sis have some kind of enmeshment/enabling thing going on, and you are easily thrown under the bus by mom when it suits her purposes.

In your shoes, I would make sure MOM'S lawyer sees the lay of the land and get back to your career. These folks are only going to take you down with them. There are too, too many stories on here of nice people who tried to do the right thing. Then evil sibling manipulates easily cowed, possibly demented parent into saying she's being abused or exploited by the "good" kid.
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Sounds very suspicious that sister is only showing up now, after dad's death. Can you document beyond a doubt, that you did nearly everything for dad (and now mom)? Is there a way for you to have mom make you her poa and executor, for when she passes away too? it seems that now, the only hope you have of protecting your mom--keeping her assets for her--is to have your mom enlist your help & protection. What does your mom think about your sister?
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As you have already realized your resentment is only hurting you so time to let it and the past go and start new.
You and your mom seem to be on the same page and she has voiced her opinions so the door is open to discuss boundaries with her.
I would also add that although you are currently a guest in the home it is likely to be your home for quite a while given Mom's fragile health and assuming you will assume the roll of her caretaker as she needs more help.
With her permission next time this pair fly in request they key and ask that they call ahead in future to let Mom know when they are comming. While she appreciates their concern and "desire" to help with Dad's paperwork and pocessions she wants to take care of this on her own as she understands exactly how he liked things done and having someone else "help" is just an added burden for her.
Unexpected visits are very disrupting and may interupt something she is in the middle of doing which is hard anyway. As far as Dad's belongings are concerned it is far too early and painful to begin disposing of anything. She wants things left as he left them for the time being. When she is ready to face it she will tell them what she is ready to let go and they can choose things that can be of use to them.
Above all make it clear that the house key does not leave with them the next time they visit.
All of that being said it is perfectly reasonable to a family member to have a house key and I personally would not be concerned but in this case the vultures clearly have an ulterior motive.
Is it possible that dad had been helping out with the mortgage payments from time to time and not telling Mom? All this is clearly money motivated and has nothing to do eith mom's welfare. I assume they know the contents of the parents wills so if there is something comming from Dad it will appear when the executers have completed their job and it is filed. Their fear is that Mom will change hers or her money will be eaten up in her final care.
So the short answer is set your boudaries and don't waste your emotional health on them.
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Mom seems to have all her ducks in a row so stop fretting about it. Let BIL knock himself out mowing the lawns he"ll probably get tired of that soon so enjoy it while it lasts. As a matter of interest what are they living on if they don't have jobs?
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I guess my point is that even with no vulture circling, money has a way of drying up if you treat it like a renewable resource, even when no one is out earning a paycheck. I think this happens more often to those who are in the habit on relying on the earning capacities of others. In any event, it's galling that your mother doesn't get that she thinks that you are the untrustworthy one. Going to therapy will allow you to see the dynamics that are in play and allow you some measure of stepping back and seeing your place in the picture. At least, it did that for me.
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Glasker, I don't mean to be unkind but it won't do. For whatever sentimental reasons - and I find it hard to imagine that someone who managed finances as well as he evidently did was not fully aware of what commitment he was entering into - your father *did* guarantee your sister's mortgage and that guarantee must be honoured. Your sister needs to get her head out of the sand and be candid with your mother - not to mention grateful to your late father - about what he did for her. It might make her squirm to admit the full extent of it but she might at least have the grace to acknowledge his generosity. If your mother is financially secure - her house bought and paid for, a comfortable pension income - then the life insurance should do what it was supposed to do and cover the mortgage. Depending on the terms of the policy that could even mean "ker-chinggg!!!" for your sister, which might be a bitter pill for you to swallow, but then that's life. It isn't always virtue that gets rewarded.

You don't have to approve of it, but if his life insurance policy underwrote the mortgage then she's not in trouble and she won't lose her house. Which is a good thing (oh yes it is!) that your mother at least will be relieved to hear. Save telling your sister exactly what you think of her principles for later; for now, get this muddle sorted out.
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Hmmm, yes, what CM just asked. Shall I be awful and tell you to go back to your old life and let mom and sis muddle through the next bit on their own?

Incidentally, I would have mom's cognitive faculties checked out by a specialist.
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