How to handle the guilt when you are done?

I think it’s more sadness than guilt. Sadness that there are no longer fixes for the myriad of issues your parents faces and sadness that your efforts aren’t enough. You haven’t done anything to cause guilt, it’s for wrongdoing, and you’ve done your best. But there remain only the choices among a group of not pleasing choices. We had to decide to stop being all the help, stop being available for so much, before my dad would accept another caregiver. She turned out to be a cherished friend to him, something that would never have happened if our family, me included, didn’t back off, as he certainly didn’t want it in the beginning. Please go back to working on your marriage, it’ll last longer than your current situation, if it’s nurtured. Your parent will accept other help when you’re not around consistently. And know the sadness over it all may linger, but there’s nothing to feel guilt about, you’ve done your best. Wishing you peace

I made a decision long long ago to NEVER be a hands on caregiver for my parents. Living in my mothers house once was way more than enough for me, and I vowed to never live under the same roof with her again. And I haven't. So no regrets there. And certainly no guilt, either.

When dad fell and broke his hip back in 2014, I placed both of them in Assisted Living b/c rehab would not release him back to Independent Living with my mother. He passed in 2015 and my mother is still alive at 94, still living in AL, but now in the Memory Care building of the same place. I have zero regrets about it, too, why should I? She has way more issues than I could ever handle alone as I am not qualified to deal with dementia, incontinence and all the rest of the problems she has. She gets socialization and all sorts of other benefits along with 24/7 care from great people where she lives now.

If you're already putting the idea into your head that you may have 'regrets' about placing your mother, then you probably will. You're telling yourself that your mother (or whoever it is you're caring for) is more important than you. More important than YOUR life, YOUR marriage, YOUR existence. That her needs take precedence over yours. Perhaps you were taught that she is #1 over every other person in your life, including yourself. That you and the rest of your family are at the bottom of the heap of importance, which is the polar opposite of what's true. Your husband and family come FIRST. That's how it should be. You've put the person you're caring for first in your life, and now you and everyone else are suffering as a result.

Get your loved one placed and sign up for some therapy so you can be made to accept the fact that YOUR life is important. That YOU matter, and so does your husband and family. You've done enough, and you're not on earth to be a martyr. It's time to live what's left of your life in peace & harmony so you need to allow that to happen. Don't place your loved one until and unless you ALLOW yourself to enjoy life afterwards.

Good luck

I have learned to co-exist with guilt. I too thought it would crush me if I placed my mom in assisted living. But what was crushing me was resentment, depression, anxiety and the feeling of having no life. Just work and caretaking.

But now and then when it rears it's ugly little head I say'"I see you over there, I did the best I could for as long as I could then I found the best situation for her. So go away."

Over time, and it has been a little over a year now, it has gotten easier. Yes you may feel an acute amount of guilt, which I realized for me, was actually grief initally, but it is bearable. I spent so much time building up the fear of guilt and not being able to live with it, that it nearly paralyzed me. I had no reason to feel guilty and you sure as heck do not either! My mom at least was appreciative so my heart goes out to you for not getting that from your parents. But I still felt all these shoulda, woulda, coulda feelings.

It was hard to stop second guessing myself and to let myself just feel whatever I was feeling and let it pass.

You will survive, thrive and be happy and at peace again.

Please understand you are using the wrong word.
Guilt belongs to felons who do malice aforethought and get their kicks from the suffering of others.
Your word is GRIEF. You are sorry you cannot do it anymore. Please accept your grief, mourn, cry, and move her out and move on. Will you grieve? Yes. Will you cry? Yes.
You are not a Saint. You are a human being. If you were a Saint we would fill you with arrows and send you to heaven so that you could fix everything for us for eternity.

When caregiving starts to affect your health(both mental and otherwise), and your marriage, then you know it's time to make some changes. You owe it to yourself to take care of yourself and your marriage first and foremost. Your mom will be just fine in an assisted living facility or where ever else she may end up. You are not obligated to take care of her. You've done your best, and now it's time for her to move in a place that will have other folks her age, that she can socialize with, and live out her days. You've got nothing to feel guilty about. You tried, and now it's time for someone else to take over her care. Wishing you the best in this transition, and please don't be dragging your feet on this.

I am not in the situation yet. But, as with a lot of the aspects with caregiving. You have to give yourself credit. Ask yourself if you have done everything you can. If the answer is yes, it is time to think asst living. I am currently in burn out myself and some days can follow my own advice but at times it is just too much and I don't have a true support system.
You are not alone. Hugs to you, you will make it through.

Is your care giver's remorse because you regret caring for your parent these past years, or that you'll regret placing your parent in a CARE facility? Or maybe both. It's time to cash in your chips as the primary caregiver and give that responsibility to a trained staff in the appropriate facility. Caring for a LO does not mean at the expense of the caregiver's health or relationship. No, finding the appropriate care facility for your parent IS caring. When your health and your marriage is affected it's time to bail, regardless of what your parent wants. It may be difficult to do that but it will also be a relief knowing you have your own personal life back to do with as you please, not as your parent requires. I appreciate your husband's concern, but this is not a sustainable situation.

Thank you all for your kind words. So helpful, you all have no idea! 🥰