How to handle siblings who won’t help our mother who has cancer?

I wouldn’t even tell them when she dies, nor mention a funeral.

Go back to the title line of your post. How do you handle siblings?

Bottom line: You don't/cant handle any other adult.

All decisions about participating in someone's life are personal decisions. All the pleading and begging won't change a thing. I suppose I just took the approach of I have to do things or make decisions about my relationships based on 'what can I live with'. Some can live with what they call hard love and putting a child (adult or not) on the street. Some will be involved with parental care and others will not. What your brother's can live with is different than what you can live with (within your heart).

I would also guess that men are less likely to step up for personal care of a mother just because it's personal. There's also the thing about looking back on their life - did you always step up to the plate while they allowed you to handle things solo?

Don't try to 'handle them'. They will have their relationship with mom and you will have yours.

"They are boys" and this is the problem. They were raised that its OK your boys. Unlike girls who need to be there for people. I was the oldest and a girl. Sister passed so leaves 2 brothers. I lived in same town.

You have a right to feel the way you do. But now decisions are going to need to be made. There is no way with your responsibilities that you will be able to do the hands on care for Mom. So, she is going to need help and you spend her money to get it. Maybe she should go to an AL if she has the money. Don't let her say, I am leaving what I have to u and the boys. Point out that you cannot care for her again. That she needs to pay for that care. If she has no money than Medicaid or ask her sons. Tell her you cannot do it alone. And its not fair of her to expect it. Your brothers do not have the responsibility you do. She needs to ask them for help, not you.

Long ago I chose not to be mad at my brothers. I also did not ask for help nor did I ask them to visit Mom. I figured in their 50s they were big boys and didn't need big sister to tell them what to do. They had wives for that. One brother lives out of State and I will probably not see him unless I go to him. The other, 30 min away and I have not seen him since Mom passed 5 yrs ago. Last 3 yrs I have texted him Happy Birthday with no response. So, this will be my last yr to text. Especially since he did respond to my other brother when he texted HB. My attitude now is if I hear from them, nice. You are a happier person if you don't expect things from people.

What really surprises me in all of this is your first statement that you ALL were VERY CLOSE before the cancer.
I must say that is unusual. VERY unusual, for two brothers who are VERY close to mother and sister to step away in this manner. Sometimes this is seen with one siblings who cannot stand the idea of illness and death, but it is almost unheard of in my long experience as a nurse for TWO brothers to disengage from a much loved mother who is ill and from a sister who also very loved.
I am assuming you have sat and spoken with them, and have asked them if they can explain that they loved all all got along prior to illness, but them moved away? What did they say to you? You tell us one brother apologized? What did he give as a reason?
Whatever your answers to this odd mystery might be, if answers there are, the fact is that you are left with an ill mother whose sons have disengaged. A mother who says she understands, and that they are busy? So quite honestly I don't see what choice you have. I would suggest to you that you support your mother but do not leave your own family nor move her in with your own family. When she needs daily care she should go to someplace that can provide that, and you can continue to support and visit her there as she moves toward what is likely to be a terminal process. It will be too difficult to handle this virtually alone, and that's where you are. I would be honest about it. Mom and the bros may not like all that honesty, but there is no other option, and the illness is here and must be dealt with.
I would be so honest with Mom as to tell her how it will have to be going forward. That you dealt with all of it once, and will do what you can now, but that you cannot again do 24/7 care on your own, and don't intend to try.
I am most of all and first of all very sorry for this illness, and for what mean a final loss for you. I am sorry your brothers, for reasons unknown perhaps even to them have moved away, but you cannot honestly change anyone and it is a waste of energy to try.
I am certain this will have lasting repercussions on how you view your brothers. But there is little to be done with that. Go on with your own family.
My heart goes out to you and to your Mom. I am so very sorry for all this grief and worry. It is a shame about your bros but I cannot even begin to fathom a guess what their problems are, and since these things don't change it isn't worth hazarding a guess.
I wish you and your Mom the very best. There are many new treatments today and I hope your Mom's condition improves.

dear OP,
:)

empathy hug!!!!

1.
happy mother's day to you (and all mothers on the forum)!!! :) :) :)

2.
i'm very sorry to hear you're crying on mother's day. totally undeserved. i look forward to whipping your brothers' butts.

3.
i'm in the SAME SITUATION as you.
(regarding siblings).

my case:
we were also a very CLOSE, tightly-knit family. i'm also the youngest and only girl, like you.
(by the way...it's VERY COMMON for the older siblings to dump it all on the youngest. of course sometimes it's the oldest, or the middle...anyway, very commonly, it's dumped on the youngest).
(it's EXTREMELY common for "men" to dump it on their sister.)
(they're not "men". they're *ssholes.)
(a - man - behaves well).

i have 3 older brothers.
they, like your bothers, ran away, dumped it all on me.

1 of your brothers apologized. that's rare.
but unfortunately, your brother didn't change. that's common.

4.
of course you're angry. and you're RIGHT to be angry, depressed, hurt, surprised, shocked.

in addition, the other day, it was your husband's bday! and STILL, your brothers did nothing.

5.
it's impossible to be angry and happy at the same time.

6.
what shall you (OP) and i do, with our justified anger? here's what i suggest:

(a) write them (even if they don't read it) everything you want to say, the anger, all of it. they deserve to receive it. you can say it on the phone. in writing is good too, then you have a copy of what you wrote. get it off your chest -- by directing it AT THEM (not just at this forum, or your husband, or your mother, or whomever you're talking to).
(b) after you've gotten it off your chest...one option if you want, is to basically cut contact with them. they're not nice people. PEOPLE WHO ARE WILLING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE ARE NOT NICE PEOPLE.
(c) brothers like yours, and mine, help with NOTHING. not even searching for caregivers, facilities, NOTHING.
(d) what goes around comes around. they'll one day be vulnerable, frail and need help - karma will come back to them.
(e) since it's impossible to be angry and happy at the same time...after you've gotten it off your chest, do everything you can, to make your life wonderful.
(f) it's extremely kind of you to help your mother as much as you do. and i bet, extremely hard (you work, you're a mother, a wife, a friend).
(g) i really wish you to enjoy the rest of mother's day!! you still have some hours left!! :) :)
(h) you live with a clear conscience. just make sure to rescue your life. it's no good living with a clear conscience, but living a destroyed life (destroyed by all the stress of caregiving).

huge, huge hugs to you.

now, i'll go kick your brothers' butts.
and my brothers'.

you go enjoy mother's day!!!!! :)

bundle of joy :)

Give them one more chance. Use definitive statements like "I need you to ______ on ______."

Spell out the needs, be cognizant that they, too, have jobs and families, and know that their priorities are different than yours. If you can get some cooperation within the boundaries they've set, then it's a win.

If you expect them to instinctively step up, you'll be waiting a very long time. Men tend not to do that. They care for their loved ones by going out and earning money to pay for the things their families need. They aren't big on hands-on care or anything emotional, like visiting and making small talk, especially with sick people.

My brother literally did nothing to help my folks, but once they reached crisis level and I'd had to move in with them, he'd run errands for me like a madman when I'd ask. Once Dad had passed and Mom went to a facility, he wouldn't visit her even though he lived two miles from her to my 40. I finally moved her closer to me, and he saw her about five times in 2 1/2 years, but he was there with her all day the last three days of her life. None of it made sense, but he did what he did, and I couldn't control him. I only could do what I could do, and that's all you can do.

Firstly, I am so sorry for you & your Mother.
Secondly, feelings of anger, tears, sadness are all normal!
And crying is OK!!!

"My brothers did absolutely nothing to help me or her".

Again, ok to feel any way you want about that: heart-broken, angry, sad.

But thirdly, to be honest, what are your expectations?
Do you expect your brothers to become nurses? I am not being sexist, there are many wonderful nurses that are male. You may have had 6 sisters... but if they are not nurses, cannot live wage free, then they cannot quit their jobs to turn nurse. I may sound harsh & I am sorry for that. But you cannot change your siblings. Accept this now & save precious time.

You have chosen to help. This is your choice. Let your siblings choose for themselves also. (It took me a while to learn this btw).

Just skip asking non-helpers for help. Put your energy into looking for real help from professional services instead.

(((Hugs)))

You're not going to like what I have to say.
Leave those brothers alone. This is all on them and it really is none of your business what their choices are. Hire some help for your mom and go about your life best you can. Not everyone is cut out to be caregivers. You say she has lung cancer... was she a smoker? Did she cause this herself ? If so it is what it is. Like it or not, she raised her boys to be the men they are today. So.. like I say... ignore them. Whatever they are willing to do for their mom is gravy in the kettle. Stop depending on them to do what you want them to do. It does no good to complain to them obviously. Start looking for some outside help so you can run all those businesses that allows you to be with your family. Stop depending upon them to show up for dinners etc. Make & eat your wonderful dinner without them. Don't even mention it to them. In the end, what you've done to help your mom is what's important. Not what they've done. Good luck.

Good Afternoon,

This is my story...every family is the same. Don't keep knocking on a door that won't open.

Accept it and do something about it. Don't ask people to be on the "caregiving" team if they won't to be members. I know this is hard to admit but I see this all the time.

I have made peace, accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference. After a while it's a broken record--do things that will keep your life in order.

It's an Act of Congress to get my siblings to participate or agree on anything, they'll all Chief. I quietly go along and do all the work, make the sacrifices but have finally wised up.

Things to do for yourself: Walk, pray, library card, bathing suit--swim for exercise, work remotely, pay yourself first by writing a check to go into your pension so you will not be living on popcorn in your old age.

Keep the door open. Ironically, they may not even like how good you are doing at handling this. I know this may sound crazy but don't give them the satisfaction of flipping out. Keep a routine schedule, join a Church, befriend the neighbors.

I, too, have been at the ER at all hours of the night/early morning with no support. I have since learned to accept it and pray and keep calm. I know it's hard but it is what it is.

You are not alone my friend. My prayers are with you.

I sat with my mother when her doctor told her to "get her affairs in order" because it was stage 4 lung cancer: he gave her 3 months. I sobbed until there was no more water left in my system and then moved her into my home so that she could have loved ones near her throughout her last chapter. Although she had many friends, only one showed up, once; her sister showed up once and one son, out of two, showed up a few times for short visits. I threw her "last birthday party 30 miles away from my home but near her two sons so they could easily get away for lunch............neither showed up. In the end, I felt like I was the lucky one because I got to spend quality time with her and my baby boy got to talk to her.......he called her, "honey." We were the fortunate ones. We had no funeral, because I'm a firm believer that no one should visit a dead person when they had no time for them when they were alive. I have no regrets, but I do miss her every day of my life and look forward to being with her on the other side.

Have you discussed Hospice with her?