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I take care of my mom who is 79 and has severe memory loss, isn't bathing too much anymore, having accidents, and isn't taking care of herself anymore. her Dr advised my mom should have more care than what I can give because I work. Mom lives with me and it's been very difficult because Ty (her son) and his wife Carol have a strong dislike towards me and I get verbally attacked by them if I disagree or have a different opinion then them. They haven't seen mom in 10 years. I agree my mom needs more care and believe that a group home would be good for her. They disagree because they think all are BAD. They are accusing me of not caring about my mom, neglect, and that I am leaving her homeless. They both have also reported me to APS for elder abuse, which has been dismissed because I haven't hurt my mom in any way shape or form, nor have I exploited her. I have taken her to all her appts, store and make sure she has all she needs. Taking care of my mom is not the issue, it's hard, but I love her and want to keep my mom. Dealing with Ty and Carol is unbearable though. It's affecting my health, and job. Ty has POA, and I have tried to have her go live with him and he can see first hand how she's doing, and he says "I don't have the room", yet wants to dictate and attack me personally. Please someone help me, I am at a loss.....

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Another option if you want to take on the responsibility is to look into guardianship of your mother. Check with legal aid and your local senior center. Senior center can point you into the correct direction and may be able to help expedite legal aid. Guardianship takes precedence over poa. You will then take control of mom's needs and funds, brother will not be able to stonewall you anymore. He will also HAVE to account for any money missing from mom's account and return it. He is committing senior financial abuse. When SIL started crying to MIL that she needs 37,000 for husbands surgery that insurance denied it I put my foot down and asked questions about the situation. Found out that insurance had neither declined nor approved yet, still waiting on reply based on the NEXT dr visit in 3 weeks. Told her if she took that money from MIL I was reporting her and she would need to return funds, if no funds available then she could have a new roommate, a bed,and 3 meals a day provided for her. Was not too happy about it. At first husband's attitude was it's mom's money until I pointed out that HE has a fiduciary responsibility towards her since he is poa and that it would be a gross negligence of duty NOT to stop it. So tired of being the one to figure stuff out, take care of MIL, deal with the spawns of satan, and try to get HIM to understand what he NEEDS to do other than to provide food (that I prepare) and shelter. His job is to protect and care for her. Sounds like your mom needs protection from a son who hasn't had the time or inclination to even come visit mom. Dumps on you, spends her money. Time to lawyer up.
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Pretty 'funny' how a 'son' who hasn't seen his own mother in 10 years is the POA, doling out her money as HE sees fit, and being an armchair critic & all-around pain in the ass about how YOU are caring for her. That takes the cake. I agree that he is stealing from her and setting you up as the bad guy. It's now up to brother-dear to step up, as any decent POA should, and figure out how to care for his mother. It's time for you to relinquish that role.
Best of luck!
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He is "distributing her money as needed"???? NO, unless he can show that every penny is in an account for her, he is EMBEZZLING it!! This is financial abuse and he should not be allowed to get away with it! If your mom ever needs Medicaid, she will be penalized for any money that cannot be accounted for. You should report him to APS for financial abuse. He calls you selfish when he is keeping her money and refusing to provide the care she needs while you are busting your butt and working full time??? He needs a reality check and you have to be the one to give it to him. Do not let him continue to call the shots by exploiting your mom and making you an accomplice by playing on your guilt!! I totally agree with AlvaDeer. Time for some therapeutic fibbing to get her admitted to the hospital. Then when they call you to pick her up, simply tell them they have called the wrong person and give them her son's phone number!!!!! then when he calls you trying to play the guilt game, simply hang up!!
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csoderer Jul 23, 2019
Thank you. I did report him because I had started the process for Medicaid, but at a stand still because I can't get  bank statements, and even if I did, there is money missing. I'm really considering the hospital suggestion because I am at the end of my rope.  I am in Phoenix, AZ and bro is in Seattle, WA.  He tells my mom things, doesn't tell me, and mom can't remember what he says, so I am in the dark constantly as to what "they" are planning. in the mean time, it affects my life as well.  I moved out of my place and into a bigger place and moved my mom in.  it's so sad to see how confused my mom is.  not one normal conversation happens and I can never follow or understand what she is trying to tell me..it's like being a detective and putting pieces together...
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I do have another question. My brother has POA, living in Seattle. After the dr says my mom needs more care, he is dragging his feet.  I can't put her anywhere because he is distributing her money to her as needed. so, I am stuck.  she sits in my home all day long, with no human contact, no activity, no nothing..I work all day. everytime I bring It up he gets mad at me and says it's not about you stop being selfish. I just want my mom happy and safe. my mom constantly tells bro and wife EVERYTHING that goes on in my home and they gossip about me and I get nasty emails and texts. I have hit my end and can't deal with it anymore. I am afraid to be at home because if I look at my mom wrong, she tells my brother I am hurting her...ugh.....
what can I do? I feel so helpless and stuck. I'm losing the little patience I have left, I'm exhausted. suggestions would be great.
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anonymous912123 Jul 22, 2019
Since he has the POA, tell him that it is his turn to care for her, force him to or he will have to place her in a home. To me he is only interested in her money. Take AlveDeer's advice, the POA will be forced to handle her placement.
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Very worried about someone who has POA and has not seen the person in years. I think that his concerns have to do with money, and cost of care for your Mom. I feel your Mom sounds as tho she does now need more care than you can provide. It is time to take the brother off your list of considerations. Your Mom comes first. If you need to fib to do so I would be fine with that, and have your Mom admitted to an ER, then tell them that your Mom now needs 24 hour care and you cannot accept her back into your home, that her POA is her son and they must now contact him. Tell them that putting your Mom back in your care would constitute an "unsafe discharge" (language they understand) and that she would not be accepted into your home. If your brother and his wife would like to come and choose the place for her care given he has her finances then that is probably a good thing. If he would like to inform you of her finances and have you choose, that would also be a good thing. But taking into consideration ONLY your MOM who is the concern here, she needs the care. The brother is not there to see she gets it, so that is on you. Have her admitted with any old excuse you can come up with (Chest Pain works, must be hospitalized until MI ruled out, and cannot be ignored. Such phrases as "Says there is an elephant on her chest but doesn't remember now" would work. I am sorry about lies, but I worked the system and I know they often are the ONLY things that get care.)
Do not argue with your brother and his wife. Or with Social Workers either as they would be the same category. All the platitudes of "We will make this work" and etc. They will not and cannot make it work in YOUR HOME. Your brother already reported you? That would have been the day I resigned. But never too late to learn the lesson. As I said, in my humble opinion your Mom's needs have to come first. If you are in charge of her and have no POA to act in her behalf you are totally helpless. Turn this ALL OVER TO THE BRO now and let's see how he does. You are loving and said you would like to keep care of your Mom. I think her doctor recognizes that is no longer a safe situation. Not with you working. I would listen to your Mom's doctor. Your Mom likely does need more care than you can safely provide.
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csoderer Jul 23, 2019
I appreciate that.  Bro lives in Seattle, and mom and I are in Phoenix. He has no intention on ever coming here for ANY reason. His wife is semi ill and has some lingering issues from a car accident. which is why he says mom can't come stay with him. I call BS.... if our mom meant ANYTHING to him, he would have came down to AZ to visit her... ten years.....yet he wants mom to come to him, even in her condition.... OMG I am furious everytime I think about this....
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Cso, he is stealing from your mom, that is what this is all about. I recommend that you get ahold of the counsel for aging for your county and file a complaint. Her money is for her, not for him to improve his quality of life.

You are in for a battle, they are obviously willing to sink to low levels, please get the authorities involved like tomorrow. Call APS and report that he is not giving her money to her care. Anyone and everyone, turn their sorry butts over to the law.

Who does that to their mom!?! They both deserve whatever happens to them. Stay strong and don't let them bully you. Hang up if you have to, block their numbers, don't answer their calls. AZ and Social security administration are very hard on financial theft from a vulnerable person.

Hugs!
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Been there. However I have POA so they can all stew
i feel strongly that you need her doctor to speak to this Ty person about the realities of your mother’s care
Also you should tell her doctor that you want her to be put in Ty’s care as he has POA. Be honest in telling all parties concerned that you cannot continue to care for her in your home and make arrangements to have your mother sent to live with Ty. There is no obligation on your part to keep your mother with you

then sit back and wait for the fireworks to start. Do not accept your mother back unless she goes into care. I think Ty and Carol are more worried about money than your mother and as long as you are happy to keep doing it they will keep putting the pressure on you to look after her

please let us now the outcome but please stay firm
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csoderer Jul 17, 2019
I have reported them to APS. The dr told ty she needs more care thank what ibcamt do and he still doesnt believe the dr. Also ty thinks all facilities are the same whether its assisted living or group home..
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Sometimes people with POA over an elderly person like to assume, criticize, and give caregivers crap when they never walked a day in our shoes. They think they know everything. I would keep a log of conversations with them whether it be through text or email. I would point out in your conversation to them the care level she needs increased and I would have her doctor evaluate her. As POA he needs to start making arrangements for her. Stop beating yourself up and don't let them get into your head. Go talk to adult protective services. Keep them as your ally trust me they can help you get things done! Why waste your time and energy on people who have no clue what you are doing with your mom and how much you sacrificed to bring her this far. Screw them and be tough!!!!!
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Judy79 Jul 16, 2019
Jessy2you, that is exactly my brother. He really has no clue.
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You may have to go to court for guardianship. That he is POA and hasn't seen her in 10 years speaks volumes.

Are you being paid for your services? I ask because so many people start looking at their inheritance and don't want to spend it caring for the person the money belongs to.

If mom has the money, pursue guardianship and you can use her money for the cost. I am sorry that your brother thinks he can impose 24/7/365 caregiving on you for whatever hateful reason he uses.
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csoderer Jul 16, 2019
I dont get paid. My brother takes out money from her account. I have no idea where it goes. I am trying to get her qualified for Medicaid but cant because he takes the money and I cant account for it. They are now looking for somewhere i dont know where for her to live either in Seattle or here in AZ... ibfound a great group home and I was told last night by him she will NOT go.. so I reported him to APS because he is hindering her care
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I'm in a similar situation, except it's my cousins who are meddlesome and have reported me to APS.
I've now blocked my cousins on my phone. They would only rarely contact me anyway and only to inquire about my father.
When the APS person arrived I was very candid with her and explained I was doing the best that I can and the difficult situation with my parents. She noted when my parents lived nearer to the cousins none of them were jumping in with caring for them.
I am also not my father's POA, though I am my mother's.
It may turn out that APS is beneficial to you. Ultimately their responsibility is to the elderly and I am hoping they offer some way forward to help manage the situation.
I wonder if you can limit your contact with your brother and his spouse. Just don't answer their calls as often. Let APS manage the situation. Hopefully they will assign you a social worker.
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I would call your local Office On Aging and discuss this with them. Also, my insurance, Humana, always wants to come visit me to grade me on how well, as a senior, I am doing, I pass as I am just fine, but, possibly you could set a wellness check for her to be evaluated, which may lead to her being placed in a AL home. This is would be of a benefit to you, sometimes one needs to let go. By doing this, they can criticize the home and not you. If they don't want to care for her, they need to keep their big mouths shut, in the meantime I would limit my exposure to them.
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Holy mackerel!

People who have POA and do NOTHING and then criticise and report the people who are doing all the care...

... are not very popular round here. Your brother and his wife, well, what can we say.

Unfortunately, your mother gave him power of attorney, and she has severe memory loss (so she can't change that), and she is very rapidly approaching the point where she needs more care than can be provided at home.

When APS visited, did you get on well with them? You can get advice and caregivers' support from your local Area Agency on Aging, but if you happened to connect well with one of the APS social workers that might be a better place to start.

We have to figure out how to take your brother out of the picture. He is doing NOTHING for your mother's benefit, AND he is stopping you doing the best thing for her.
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You are in a bad situation. Moms doctor needs to talk to your brother and tell him Mom needs more care than you can give at this time. I assume you need to work and not doing so would cause a hardship. Maybe APS or Office of Aging can talk to him. Telling him doctors have recommended a care facility and brother needs to make that possible.

This is why I would never care for someone that I didn't have POAs for.
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