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Two other daughters live close and help out with evening bed time outside chores etc but are also verbally abused by this sibling.


Fear that older sibling is going to take all their hard earned money and end up having to sell their house to live due to her wasteful spending and/or embezzelment of their hard earned money. This sister feels entitled to what she is doing but it is so wrong. My parents worked hard all their lives and came from a very frugal generation. Very hard to sit back and watch this abuse. She is their POA and has also convinced my Mother to put her on as a joint account owner on their banking account.


My Mother just took out 36K to buy this sibling a new car. My Mother has told her to take money if she needs it. Apparently due to COVID running a house cost approx 8K a month! She is a master manipulator and a pathological liar. My younger sister and I have several emails and voice recordings of her abusive behaviour. Just not sure how to proceed with this without her turning our Mother against us. She knows that and uses it against us. This sibling is single has never married no family of her own. She is very self centred and mean to siblings and their spouses and children.


In the words of Morgan Freeman - at first you fight it, then you accept it, then you become institutionalized (Shawshank) I feel this is what is happening to my Mother.


I would never see this sibling again if she wasn't holding my parents captive. My Dad falls constantly and we are called to come get him off the floor before the PSW worker arrives or to help put him to bed every other night since there is no night help available. We are all prisoners of her. She has told my Mother that we only want to put our Dad in a long term home and we want all their money.


Covid is making it a tough decision regarding long term care.


She has been fired from most jobs - worked in HR


She is 61 yrs old my parents are 86 and 87.


Where to go from here??

Find Care & Housing
I think you and the other siblings who are concerned should see an elder law attorney. I think that you will find that there is little you are able to do, but I could be wrong, and this would be the fastest way to prove me wrong.
First of all, while your Father has dementia, your mother does NOT. She apparently wants the sister living there, to help with father and all else. The Sister is first of all POA. I don't know how you know exactly the arrangement on the accounts, but the sister will be managing finances apparently for your parents. While she doesn't owe you any explanations, she is responsible for keeping meticulous records. If a lawyer suggests APS be called to check on any accusations of financial embezzlement then I would follow that recommendation.
You understand that we have "your side" in this. I can imagine a "Sister story" here of "I have moved in with my parents to care for them at my Mother's request and I am acting as the FPOA with little to no help from my siblings, and nothing but interference and accusations. What can I do about this?"
So as you can see, we cannot know the real story, and you yourselves may not know the real story. If you suggest abuse you should ALL go to a Lawyer with all evidence including recordings, and find out how to proceed.
Do know that fights in court between siblings often have the court taking over guardianship, and removing all siblings entirely. At that point ALL siblings have nothing whatsoever to say about things ongoing. And if you bring court actions, and your Mom says that her life is proceeding as she wishes, you may be paying all lawyer costs.
You might go to Mediate.com and look up family mediation resources before you take action.
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IMO no one involved in caregiving for an older adult is ever living "rent free" which sounds so lovely to those who are struggling or imagining how nice it would be not to pay rent or a mortgage. Think again. That rent free person is on 24/7 call, and looking out for their typical family member. Their choice or not, the rest of the family looking at it from the distance has blinders on and can't see what it truly involves. It's not the free ride it appears. Far from it. Even if done by choice.
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Mississippi4 Nov 22, 2020
Very well said and so true
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According to the AARP, seniors are far more likely to suffer financial abuse from family members than from strangers. When we discovered that the brother with POA had helped himself to about $50,000 and was working on taking the rest, we contacted the police, Social Security, and a good elder attorney. Given the MIL’s dementia, they all said prosecution was impossible as the presumption was that she meant to give the money to him. We could only agree as her usual answer when asked where the money went was, “well, he must have needed it.” The problem was the POA as it gave him complete access to her funds.

What we did do was my husband went to Social Security and became her representative payee (social security doesn’t recognize a POA) and transferred this, her CDs, and her pension to a separate bank account the brother could not access. We then petitioned the court for both Guardianship and Conservatorship. It helped a little that my husband was already the designated trustee for the estate so he had access to all the financial records showing fraud but the best thing we did was consult the elder attorney. It wasn’t cheap, and we have to report to the court (and social security) annually on how her money is being spent, but it was the only way we could break the POA. The whole process took about six months, especially since Covid has affected the court system. We were also fortunate the brother chose not to fight us. Had he done so, the guardianship would have been far more expensive.
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ExhaustedPiper Nov 21, 2020
Omg it is incredible what some people will do! Thankfully your husband handled it very well imo!

So the sibling who was basically committing elder abuse & who knows what other financial crimes didn’t want to fight you guys in court, no surprise there. He should have been prosecuted imo but I understand the challenges there too.

Curious, were you able to force him out of the home?
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Is the home safe and medical needs taken care of? Is the evening care provided by the two daughters the only other help? Is your sibling's anger issues and abusive behavior coming from caregiver burnout? Is this her only opportunity to 'vent' via verbal abuse? Maybe it's a cry for more help needed? Adding her name to a joint account makes it easier to access accounts for them.

Whose decision is it for medical decision-making and care? What level of care are each in need of? 8k a month is what would be paid to a nursing home instead of your sibling who is providing care at home, during covid which mostly likely would restrict visits at a facility. If home care providers would replace your sibling, how much would that be? As poa, sister may be spending down as part of medicaid planning.

These are some of the considerations that should be discussed within some form of mediation.

I've been on the rumors and accusations side and likewise have speculated ... and found it best to let the emotions take a rest and find some objective ground. Easier said than done of course. In the end, you are family.
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Wow, rent free? Sounds like parents are getting a better deal than your sister is. Do the math on what 24/7 caregiving costs. Most families have no idea how much it costs the caregiver for their time and life unable to live as freely as you do. Then to top it off what happens to the sisters skills when one day both parents are gone and she needs to return to the workforce, her skills will be shot and she'll take a long term financial hit due to what she's given or sacrificed. You, the O/P will likely be mostly unaffected financially. If you think it's so easy to take care of your parents why don't you offer to quit your job and let the sibling pick her life up and start over while you experience what is sacrificed when caregiving 24/7.
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FreeMe Nov 22, 2020
I just finished expressing this exact sentiment in a comment above. They truly don't have an inkling of an idea and what's worse is there's probably no effort to join the cause only to point fingers.
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My mother who has dementia (beginning stages at this point) gave me money freely practically forcing me to take it in an effort to stay because she knew I was beyond frustrated. I was actually suicidal.

Out of her 4 children I took care of my mother all by myself for 14 months. Actually for years I'd come over at her beck n call to do everything she told (not asked) me to do with no consideration for my own life. It was declined cognitive issues that forced the 24/7. I wish I'd just put her in nursing care from the start. But I couldn't abandon my own mother. Albeit with a full family in tow. Yes we lived there because every.single.time we left she'd purposely fall so I'd get a call from her neighbor stating I need to hurry back. 911 always had to be called to pick her up but she wanted ME to pick her up.

Let me tell you. It was EMS who freed me up. After weekly calls they told me enough is enough. I shouldn't be doing this alone. My mom fought but it saved my life. My kids and spouse didn't have me.
Perhaps your mom is bribing your sister to stay. Perhaps your sister is lashing out because she's dying inside. She absolutely deserves free rent because she's incarcerated. I absolutely said that. 24/7 her life belongs to not one but two people. She's not able to enjoy a relationship or children because she hasn't a life of her own.
What are you all doing besides complaining? Perhaps one of you could assist in buying your parents stuff. Calling the Drs and making appts or asking questions. Anything besides sit and complain.

Your sister absolutely deserves a new car. She's driving everywhere for everyone else. She's not able to get her own place. How else is she to have a roof when she's caring 24/7 for parents. There is no such compensation appropriate for giving one's life LITERALLY to help others to hang on a bit longer while you give away your chance to experience life at all.

Something to be considered! All the best!
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gdaughter Nov 22, 2020
Thank you for your honesty. I on the otherhand, for caring and doing for my elder parents was just put down in a nasty email yesterday by a sibling who takes a stance that I made a decision to stay put and do this and if I wanted to I could leave as well and have a life like she has. (SHe married a loser, moved to FL because she hates our city or is it the proximity and potential to not have an excuse NOT to help our parents?) She is blaming me for a recent health crisis because I neglected my own well-being by not seeing an MD and I should have known I have high Blood Pressure, which may be a contributing factor to the aortic disection I experienced. Yes, that's right, blaming the victim. She feels no sense of responsibility toward our parents and even tallied up her expenses for coming to be by my bedside when ill. WHich included a meal or two for the parents...she wouldn't even treat them to a meal!!! She has offered to take over their bill-paying which I do, the easiest task among them that she can do on her ass in her pajamas. She has never exerted any physical effort for them as I have for longer than I can calculate. And mind you, I do not mind, most of the time and was in the process of putting together a plan to get more help in when this all happened. She also thinks with no regard to finances or to what my parents want and what keeps my dad thriving they should be placed in an assisted living. Or we should all pack up and move to her hell hole of a state. Karma will catch up with her. And in spite of it all, I am heartbroken. She is my only sibling and I feel like I love and care for her more than she does for me. It's unbelievably hurtful, adding to the stress I feel, though an attempt at conveying how hurtful her comments were was again spun to make it appear that I had it wrong and she was right, no guilt meant.
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Reason she has been fired from most jobs is because living/caring for her parents is already a job. She is stressed and burned out and she does not even know when she was brought into the situation. This always happen to the sibling who cares the most or has the capacity to care for parents. You said she is not married lr have kids and this is typically the life l
Of a caregiver. Its also typically for other siblings to looked at the caregiver as a freeloader and to be inconsiderate. This is soo unfair. I am glad you came to this group and hope you will see everything for what it is. If you had the responsibilities you sister has you will get fire from your job, will lose your own family and will be looked at thw same way. The court/Judges are aware of this dynamic. I will advise you to get more involve in helping out with your parents, weekends. My dementia MIL ill monthlt expenses to care for her alone is close to what she is spending. My husband and I took care of her for 3 yrs, we almost lost our careers and marriage while the oher siblings were going on with their lives. We did not ask for it. Now, we all pay for her care , and time spent in care is split equally.
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jacobsonbob Nov 22, 2020
Well, I guess FEDUP19 owes you thanks for solving the problem! :-)

Seriously, each family's situation is different, so although what you've described may indeed be the situation here as well, there is also the possibility FEDUP19's situation can't be summed up that way and there is a legitimate cause for concern. FEDUP19 has mentioned several things that are "red flags".

Just a friendly suggestion that it's never a good idea to assume anything!
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Price out what 24/7 home health will cost you, you're getting a bargain. There are 2 ways you can go, continue with the caregiver relative or you can sell off assets for both parents and watch corporate healthcare bleed out that inheritance. I did care giver on my own life's savings. Sacrificed a career and lived rent free, I paid all of my own bills though beyond what Dad had to maintain as his home whether I was there or not. Dad benefited he got better than cafeteria food an ALF would provide. No complaints there, I'd do it all over again that way too. In the end, I was accused by a wife of trying to get more as a beneficiary, which wasn't true at all. I took seasonal low wage jobs for those 2 years. And society/the community comes for their low ball. I think $ 8K/month is a bit absurd for costs, COVID or not. And the car, well she needs to buy that on her own. Dad had a car, so did I, I paid for mine & maintained the house & car from yard work to oil changes & tire rotations.

One doesn't realize what you're getting with a live in sibling as care giver. I found out the last week when the brothers elected home healthcare contracting for hospice week. $ 20/hour for 24 hours of care. $ 480/day, $ 3,360/week, $ 174,720/year x 2 years in my case ($ 349,440). Home Healthcare does less than what I did. I also was the pet sitter for the dog's end of life. Caregivers can be victims of the rest of the family trying to do end of life for cheap. I lost them both within 21 days of each other. Mom passed 5 years earlier. I found out how greedy or cheap depending upon one's perspective the other's were in my family. Also how selfish. See Mom & Dad were capable when they took their turns to be close by. I got the last couple of years. The last ditch efforts of hospital procedures, the code Browns. It's a thankless job being a caregiver & home health bundled. I never was compensated beyond what I was gonna get as beneficiary any way. I have no sour grapes, for Dad & dog I'd do it the same way, wouldn't change the terms. Some aren't like me though. What I'd change about it, the rest of the world, the human race has a lot of people that when the rubber meets the road are FOS for what they'd actually commit to the effort and aftermath. That's OK, rewards are on the other side. Life on this side is finite, afterlife for lack of a better description is for eternity, unless there is a reincarnation as a blade of grass or whatever our ashes or bodies fertilize ?
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gdaughter Nov 22, 2020
they just don't see it. Even when the come to visit and make comments like "I don't know how you do it?" (One day at a time). Now my sibling is blaming me for a life-threatening health crisis I had. As I commented elsewehere, she recently sent an email not only conveying that but she tallied up her expenses and expects reimbursement. Down to the last 41 cents!
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Why does the home cost 8 grand a month to run? There is no mention of the court appointing your sister POA, so your parents chose her. Your mom chose to put her on a joint account too. So maybe your parents chose her for a reason and don't feel they have to justify their decisions. She is the one physically responsible for them 24/7. So your parents bought her a new car. Is she the one who runs them to what is probably and endless string of doctor's appointments? Does she do their shopping and their errands? Is she supposed to walk to do these things, or maybe get a rickshaw and pull your parents to their appointments?
You mention a PSW worker coming in. If there's a suspicion of abuse, they are required to report it. You and your family are not "prisoners" of your sister. She's actually doing you all a favor because she's making your lives possible. She's removing the burden of caregiving from your shoulders and those of your other siblings. It looks to me that the real worry of you and your siblings is that sister at home will get more of your parents money. Well she should if she's the one providing their care 24/7.
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Sarah3 Nov 23, 2020
Amen
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Call Adult Protective Services and file a complaint. They have to investigate. It there is evidence of abuse, your parents will be placed in LTC and a guardian will be provided by the courts - and it will not be a family member.
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