Two other daughters live close and help out with evening bed time outside chores etc but are also verbally abused by this sibling.
Fear that older sibling is going to take all their hard earned money and end up having to sell their house to live due to her wasteful spending and/or embezzelment of their hard earned money. This sister feels entitled to what she is doing but it is so wrong. My parents worked hard all their lives and came from a very frugal generation. Very hard to sit back and watch this abuse. She is their POA and has also convinced my Mother to put her on as a joint account owner on their banking account.
My Mother just took out 36K to buy this sibling a new car. My Mother has told her to take money if she needs it. Apparently due to COVID running a house cost approx 8K a month! She is a master manipulator and a pathological liar. My younger sister and I have several emails and voice recordings of her abusive behaviour. Just not sure how to proceed with this without her turning our Mother against us. She knows that and uses it against us. This sibling is single has never married no family of her own. She is very self centred and mean to siblings and their spouses and children.
In the words of Morgan Freeman - at first you fight it, then you accept it, then you become institutionalized (Shawshank) I feel this is what is happening to my Mother.
I would never see this sibling again if she wasn't holding my parents captive. My Dad falls constantly and we are called to come get him off the floor before the PSW worker arrives or to help put him to bed every other night since there is no night help available. We are all prisoners of her. She has told my Mother that we only want to put our Dad in a long term home and we want all their money.
Covid is making it a tough decision regarding long term care.
She has been fired from most jobs - worked in HR
She is 61 yrs old my parents are 86 and 87.
Where to go from here??
First of all, while your Father has dementia, your mother does NOT. She apparently wants the sister living there, to help with father and all else. The Sister is first of all POA. I don't know how you know exactly the arrangement on the accounts, but the sister will be managing finances apparently for your parents. While she doesn't owe you any explanations, she is responsible for keeping meticulous records. If a lawyer suggests APS be called to check on any accusations of financial embezzlement then I would follow that recommendation.
You understand that we have "your side" in this. I can imagine a "Sister story" here of "I have moved in with my parents to care for them at my Mother's request and I am acting as the FPOA with little to no help from my siblings, and nothing but interference and accusations. What can I do about this?"
So as you can see, we cannot know the real story, and you yourselves may not know the real story. If you suggest abuse you should ALL go to a Lawyer with all evidence including recordings, and find out how to proceed.
Do know that fights in court between siblings often have the court taking over guardianship, and removing all siblings entirely. At that point ALL siblings have nothing whatsoever to say about things ongoing. And if you bring court actions, and your Mom says that her life is proceeding as she wishes, you may be paying all lawyer costs.
You might go to Mediate.com and look up family mediation resources before you take action.
Out of her 4 children I took care of my mother all by myself for 14 months. Actually for years I'd come over at her beck n call to do everything she told (not asked) me to do with no consideration for my own life. It was declined cognitive issues that forced the 24/7. I wish I'd just put her in nursing care from the start. But I couldn't abandon my own mother. Albeit with a full family in tow. Yes we lived there because every.single.time we left she'd purposely fall so I'd get a call from her neighbor stating I need to hurry back. 911 always had to be called to pick her up but she wanted ME to pick her up.
Let me tell you. It was EMS who freed me up. After weekly calls they told me enough is enough. I shouldn't be doing this alone. My mom fought but it saved my life. My kids and spouse didn't have me.
Perhaps your mom is bribing your sister to stay. Perhaps your sister is lashing out because she's dying inside. She absolutely deserves free rent because she's incarcerated. I absolutely said that. 24/7 her life belongs to not one but two people. She's not able to enjoy a relationship or children because she hasn't a life of her own.
What are you all doing besides complaining? Perhaps one of you could assist in buying your parents stuff. Calling the Drs and making appts or asking questions. Anything besides sit and complain.
Your sister absolutely deserves a new car. She's driving everywhere for everyone else. She's not able to get her own place. How else is she to have a roof when she's caring 24/7 for parents. There is no such compensation appropriate for giving one's life LITERALLY to help others to hang on a bit longer while you give away your chance to experience life at all.
Something to be considered! All the best!
What we did do was my husband went to Social Security and became her representative payee (social security doesn’t recognize a POA) and transferred this, her CDs, and her pension to a separate bank account the brother could not access. We then petitioned the court for both Guardianship and Conservatorship. It helped a little that my husband was already the designated trustee for the estate so he had access to all the financial records showing fraud but the best thing we did was consult the elder attorney. It wasn’t cheap, and we have to report to the court (and social security) annually on how her money is being spent, but it was the only way we could break the POA. The whole process took about six months, especially since Covid has affected the court system. We were also fortunate the brother chose not to fight us. Had he done so, the guardianship would have been far more expensive.
So the sibling who was basically committing elder abuse & who knows what other financial crimes didn’t want to fight you guys in court, no surprise there. He should have been prosecuted imo but I understand the challenges there too.
Curious, were you able to force him out of the home?
Whose decision is it for medical decision-making and care? What level of care are each in need of? 8k a month is what would be paid to a nursing home instead of your sibling who is providing care at home, during covid which mostly likely would restrict visits at a facility. If home care providers would replace your sibling, how much would that be? As poa, sister may be spending down as part of medicaid planning.
These are some of the considerations that should be discussed within some form of mediation.
I've been on the rumors and accusations side and likewise have speculated ... and found it best to let the emotions take a rest and find some objective ground. Easier said than done of course. In the end, you are family.
Of a caregiver. Its also typically for other siblings to looked at the caregiver as a freeloader and to be inconsiderate. This is soo unfair. I am glad you came to this group and hope you will see everything for what it is. If you had the responsibilities you sister has you will get fire from your job, will lose your own family and will be looked at thw same way. The court/Judges are aware of this dynamic. I will advise you to get more involve in helping out with your parents, weekends. My dementia MIL ill monthlt expenses to care for her alone is close to what she is spending. My husband and I took care of her for 3 yrs, we almost lost our careers and marriage while the oher siblings were going on with their lives. We did not ask for it. Now, we all pay for her care , and time spent in care is split equally.
Seriously, each family's situation is different, so although what you've described may indeed be the situation here as well, there is also the possibility FEDUP19's situation can't be summed up that way and there is a legitimate cause for concern. FEDUP19 has mentioned several things that are "red flags".
Just a friendly suggestion that it's never a good idea to assume anything!
One doesn't realize what you're getting with a live in sibling as care giver. I found out the last week when the brothers elected home healthcare contracting for hospice week. $ 20/hour for 24 hours of care. $ 480/day, $ 3,360/week, $ 174,720/year x 2 years in my case ($ 349,440). Home Healthcare does less than what I did. I also was the pet sitter for the dog's end of life. Caregivers can be victims of the rest of the family trying to do end of life for cheap. I lost them both within 21 days of each other. Mom passed 5 years earlier. I found out how greedy or cheap depending upon one's perspective the other's were in my family. Also how selfish. See Mom & Dad were capable when they took their turns to be close by. I got the last couple of years. The last ditch efforts of hospital procedures, the code Browns. It's a thankless job being a caregiver & home health bundled. I never was compensated beyond what I was gonna get as beneficiary any way. I have no sour grapes, for Dad & dog I'd do it the same way, wouldn't change the terms. Some aren't like me though. What I'd change about it, the rest of the world, the human race has a lot of people that when the rubber meets the road are FOS for what they'd actually commit to the effort and aftermath. That's OK, rewards are on the other side. Life on this side is finite, afterlife for lack of a better description is for eternity, unless there is a reincarnation as a blade of grass or whatever our ashes or bodies fertilize ?
You mention a PSW worker coming in. If there's a suspicion of abuse, they are required to report it. You and your family are not "prisoners" of your sister. She's actually doing you all a favor because she's making your lives possible. She's removing the burden of caregiving from your shoulders and those of your other siblings. It looks to me that the real worry of you and your siblings is that sister at home will get more of your parents money. Well she should if she's the one providing their care 24/7.
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