How to handle narcissistic elderly Mom who has no consideration for others but herself?

It is a difficult situation and I feel for us all who are doing their best to cope. I struggle daily with TWO narcissists.

It is hard to deal with a narcissistic mom with dementia. Mine is on one hand coping confusion issues, etc., but on the other hand it's all about her. Everything must be done how and when she likes it with no consideration for anyone else's needs or time. Extremely difficult situation.

Ashton, do not see where you have posted a response. Do you agree with most og us? Or have we misinterpreted your situation? I hope that we all hear back from you. We could have it all wrong.

I have the 91 yr. old version living in a grannie cottage on our property. As I talk to more of my friends the theme seems to be the same for this age group for the most part. The world revolves around them and always has. Now that my sister and I are not being played by the "old girl" we are comparing notes and it has been interesting. Do not take anything at face value when dealing with a Narcissist !

I have always been the family fixer. I take over the problems and solve them no matter what cost to myself. This always made me feel needed until I realized what I was "really" doing. I do believe the label is called enabling. Since finding this website I have been able to put a stop to that for myself. I no longer step in to solve everyone's problems, but will offer advice on how I might handle it only if asked. Otherwise, I bite my tongue and remind myself I have my mother with Dementia, Parkinson's, Stroke, Incontinent, with a Narcissistic personality to deal with and that is enough! In fact this has caused a rift between my son and his so called girlfriend when I refused to keep her 2 children anymore for weekends (not my grandchildren but sweet kids). Even though I explained how my mother was up at all hours of the night or day calling and needing whatever was on her mind at the time, so I was exhausted most of the time. My son declaired that he was going to take a break from talking or visiting. I don't know what he is taking a break from since he has never offered help. I do believe I have raised another narcissist. He has had some rough times but at 31 I do expect him to taking responsibility for his actions and stop blaming others for HIS choices. Since it was his choice to take a break I will honor it and keep my distance even though it is like a blade straight to the heart. I do have to admit it is a relief to know that call is not coming on Thursdays about dropping off or asking for something else. It just leaves me with the 91 yr. old toddler to deal with which is my choice so my burden. I take full responsibilities of my choices! My Dad taught me that! I learned my enabling from him, but I also learned self reliance and responsibility.

My advice is similar to others. If the situation is working for your mother and brother then leave well enough alone unless you know there is abuse of some sort. Be warned that stepping in will require you stepping up which may not be what you really want in the reality of things. Think things through and know that not all the facts may be at your fingertips. Approach with caution!

Ashton50 - Brace yourself for a possible nightmare if both mom & brother become incapacitated, or you can check the filial responsibility laws in your state and refuse to accept the responsibility.
Why I say this: It's been 16 years since my dad passed and mom decided I was her personal servant (typical narcissist behavior). My brother, thank God has been out of the picture for 25 years so I haven't had to deal with him much. Both my parents were hoarders and all this has taken a toll on my health finances and relationships, not to mention the stress on my husband and occasionally our relationship.
If you must eventually step in and take charge, by all means do your homework. Not only will you get grief from your mom and brother, but also many if not all the so called professionals you will have to deal with who are more than willing to take the money but fall very short on services.
Fair warning.

She has been "threatening" to leave since day 1 in our home. I have rheumatoid arthritis and the stress of this all is getting to me. My two siblings are not involved at all. My dad passed away in 2009. Thanks for the "ear." I have been reading this site for months but have not written. God bless!!!

I agree with Jessie's post on the previous page, that "many people do this when they get older. Their worlds become smaller and smaller until pretty soon they see only themselves."

My Dad [93] is that way, even though he is very easy going he resents the fact that he can no longer drive and go out to get the things he needs to keep doing repairs to their house. I can just imagine his frustration.... but then again, my parents made their choice to continue to live in their single family home instead of moving to a nice retirement community.... thus they need to live with the responsibilities that come with that choice.

My mother exhibits all of these signs. She has "mild" dementia. I think it is more severe. Husband and I moved her in with us about 18 months ago as her general health seemed to be declining. She is a selfish person. My husband underwent serious open colon surgery about 2 weeks ago. Mom is jealous of my time taking care of him. Keeps telling us she is leaving, but can no longer drive. She does not want to spend money on an alternative place to live. She makes my life a living h*ll. I am so depressed and tired and don't know how long I can carry on. I pray for strength for all of you and myself.

Hi - hang in there. For better or worse, your brother gives her some meaning to life by paying all his bills, etc... Is that okay, it probably helps her feel needed? With my Mom, too, I'm almost disgusted by her lack of empathy, but your topic makes me realize this is probably all a part of it.

We live with and take care of my MIL (and her two older sisters in past years, which is why we had to move in to her home to begin with). She insisted to my husband's siblings that she was supporting us (although we were both working) and we were trying to take her house away from her and they almost believed it until we 'did the math.' It sounds like she is following a tried and true aging process and being narcissistic is just a [very rough] part of it. What your MIL says about your brother in law may or may not be true, but unless you want to be the total focus of her abuse should he step aside, I'd stand back. Your brother in law may need a shoulder to cry on though. In the meantime, as PinkyK said, there are many threads about this subject on this site you can read and learn from. Good luck.

Many people do this when they get older. Their worlds become smaller and smaller until pretty soon they see only themselves. You won't be able to change her. It is easier to accept her the way she is, even if it is not how you want her to be.

I get the feeling your mother has been making some requests of you that are more than you want to do. It can be time consuming dealing with an older parent. I wondered why you scoffed at your brother, who is putting up with it all the time. It would seem you would have some empathy, instead. Receiving free rent and board for watching after an elder is very little pay. Many people who are 88 need someone living with them to help with chores, shopping, and appointments. If your brother is doing things, maybe he needs a big thank you. I don't know what he does, so don't know if it is what you need to do.

looloo is right. Unfortunately all the literature on how to deal with NPD comes down to two basic strategies: 1. Going "Low Contact" (LC) and 2. Going "No Contact" (NC). While initially reading about NPD, I realized that both my brother and I had instinctively gone LC for our whole adult lives. It's sad, but the NPD person truly can't help themselves. I tried to do right by my mother, but each visit to her Assisted Living involved hearing about all the ways I displeased her. Just try to understand that it's not you.

I agree with Heart2Heart and PinkyK -- don't involve yourself further if you can avoid it. Distance yourself as much as you possibly can.

After a great deal of reading and research, I concluded that my mother had Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Things she did and said throughout our lives suddenly clicked. That is not to say it made it any easier, other than in understanding the nature of the problem. Bottom line: people with NPD do not ever get better, they can't be reasoned with, and it often gets worse as they get older. They often have a "golden child", in this case your brother (same in mine, although now I realize why he has lived out of state for 30+ years). I would suggest you search other threads on this site, as there have been some very informative discussions about the difficulty of dealing with elderly parents with NPD.

Very sad... yes, not a good situation and you're so fortunate to not be intimately tied to it where you can't get out. Be careful of this... distance yourself for your own health sake. You just can't change people, even if it's your mother, brother, or.... Blessings and the best for you ...

I would also be concerned about your brother. I live in a condo and there's a guy (now in his 60s) at the other end of my floor who lived with his elderly mom. When she passed away, he went into an emotional tailspin and 4 years later, he's still up and down emotionally. He ODs on prescription meds and booze and drives like a maniac when he does. He's going to wind up killing someone.

I've talked and talked to him about getting help, the police have had repeated contact with him (when he's driving erratically or lying in the parking lot in his underwear) and they keep letting him go. He's a sad, sorry case that needs some kind of intervention. See if you can help your brother before something like that happens to him.

I would be more concerned about your brother. My mother is 86 and lives in my house since she has no where else to go and can't afford assisted living. She refuses most outside help for herself and expects me to do everything and does not recognize any of this as being a burden to me. It is not easy living with an older parent, especially one that tries to control you. I don't believe these situations are healthy. I would talk to your brother and see how he feels about the situation.

You mother and brother both need some professional help. Your mother shows signs of dementia and your brother is co-dependent at 55 yrs. Not a very healthy relationship, but keep trying to get your mother help. Do not lay blame, and do not be jealous of this mother-son relationship because they bond much stronger than a mother-daughter do. Best wishes!

Situation is not always that simple, moondance...wish it were.

We all have our choices!

Forgot to mention their children never stood up for themselves while growing up with their parents' verbal abuse...and still don't. My mother (aunt's sister) is the same way. Last year, I let her know that kind of treatment is unacceptable...she no longer speaks to me. I say good riddance to a life-long toxic relationship, even if it is my parent. My self-esteem has improved somewhat since having no further contact with her. I am 57 years old & do not have to put up with any more abuse from her.

I would love to be able to handle my aunt in this way. Problem is that my uncle would instinctively feel I was "attacking" her and I would be the one looking for a place to live. This situation played out in reverse last winter when he criticized my driving. I told him I was the one driving & I was not going to take unnecessary risks in order to save 2 minutes of time. He began cussing me. I told him I would not put up with that. Aunt then began berating me from backseat!

Talk with a professional and get some legal parameters defined before the "easy" arrangement becomes an issue, especially if your brother becomes ill and cannot do for your mom what he is doing now. Get documents in order of who does what and if the person becomes unable, who then is to seamlessly step in? Research health care agencies now so if you have to make a quick decision then you are in the know. Once you start doing "the little things" to fill in, then she may be resistant to "outsiders." That's not a battle you would want to deal with. I'm seeing it with a friend's family right now. It's been stressful.

I too have a mother that thinks the world is all about her. She lives in a bungalow on our property and over the years with dementia she is much worse to the point that I pretty much don't speak too her as it is too much stress to deal with what will come out of her mouth. The last heated talk we had I just told her this is my home my property I pay all the bills here even your cell phone its costs you nothing you have a beautiful view of the intercoastal waterway, beautiful home and no real worries. I have worked very hard to have the life I have and am willing to share it with you how ever when I come home I want peace and quiet, if you continue to cause me stress you will be looking for another home. She understood this and is not attacking me with all her "me issues". Sometimes it takes tough love and you have to take care of yourself cause they sure aren't concerned about you or your feelings.

My aunt is 85 & it has been "all about her" for her entire life and absolutely it just gets worse as time goes by. Wish I had an answer. She is impossible to get along with. When my uncle tries to take up for me she becomes petulant...tells him he never takes up for her, blah blah blah. I am at the point where I wish she could be "medicated" so she will be quiet. I do not mean to sound cruel or heartless but really.

I agree with the prior statements. Please consider that your mother may very well overstate the care she 'gives' your brother. From what little you have shared thus far, I believe that would most likely be the case.

You accept what you can't change, keep your distance and keep living your life. Let your brother deal. Consider dealing his 'rent' and thank God it's HIM and not YOU in that situation.

I agree, be glad that brother is living with her and helping her. Narcissism will increase as one ages, especially if dementia becomes an issue. Also, most elderly need some sort of assistance and your brother is providing it and is an excellent trade off for room and board. As Mom's needs increase do not be surprised if the idea of paying brother to continue care for Mom should arise. Does Mom still drive, cook, clean, take care of her cleanliness and grooming, etc? Or does brother need to help her with her daily activities?

Carefully consider if you really think that Mom is caring for him, or the other way around. How often do you see your Mom? It may help to understand the situation if you can manage to visit Mom for a week and let brother take a week for himself.

Sounds like my Mom. I agree, be glad your brother is living with her.

Be glad it's your brother who lives with her, and not you. Narcissists are hard to deal with. I have one for a MIL. They don't change, except to get worse with age.