How to handle narcissistic elderly Mom who has no consideration for others but herself?

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My 88 year old mother thinks the world revolves around her. She has always been this way, but it has escalated tremendously in old age. Any of her friends who have serious illnesses or have passed, she refuses to see them or go to a visitation or funeral, yet she has a small basal cell spot removed from her face and she's absolutely dying. She is very materialistic and has become a hoarder in her small condo. My 55 year old brother lives with her rent free and she basically takes care of him because she can control him. I know this sounds like I don't love my mom, and I do, but it's getting harder and harder to deal with as she ages. As a humorous side note, she lies about her age and tries to pass for 73. I guess I just need to know how I should handle this as she ages. Thanks!

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I too have a mother that thinks the world is all about her. She lives in a bungalow on our property and over the years with dementia she is much worse to the point that I pretty much don't speak too her as it is too much stress to deal with what will come out of her mouth. The last heated talk we had I just told her this is my home my property I pay all the bills here even your cell phone its costs you nothing you have a beautiful view of the intercoastal waterway, beautiful home and no real worries. I have worked very hard to have the life I have and am willing to share it with you how ever when I come home I want peace and quiet, if you continue to cause me stress you will be looking for another home. She understood this and is not attacking me with all her "me issues". Sometimes it takes tough love and you have to take care of yourself cause they sure aren't concerned about you or your feelings.
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I agree, be glad that brother is living with her and helping her. Narcissism will increase as one ages, especially if dementia becomes an issue. Also, most elderly need some sort of assistance and your brother is providing it and is an excellent trade off for room and board. As Mom's needs increase do not be surprised if the idea of paying brother to continue care for Mom should arise. Does Mom still drive, cook, clean, take care of her cleanliness and grooming, etc? Or does brother need to help her with her daily activities?

Carefully consider if you really think that Mom is caring for him, or the other way around. How often do you see your Mom? It may help to understand the situation if you can manage to visit Mom for a week and let brother take a week for himself.
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You accept what you can't change, keep your distance and keep living your life. Let your brother deal. Consider dealing his 'rent' and thank God it's HIM and not YOU in that situation.
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Be glad it's your brother who lives with her, and not you. Narcissists are hard to deal with. I have one for a MIL. They don't change, except to get worse with age.
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Forgot to mention their children never stood up for themselves while growing up with their parents' verbal abuse...and still don't. My mother (aunt's sister) is the same way. Last year, I let her know that kind of treatment is unacceptable...she no longer speaks to me. I say good riddance to a life-long toxic relationship, even if it is my parent. My self-esteem has improved somewhat since having no further contact with her. I am 57 years old & do not have to put up with any more abuse from her.
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Many people do this when they get older. Their worlds become smaller and smaller until pretty soon they see only themselves. You won't be able to change her. It is easier to accept her the way she is, even if it is not how you want her to be.

I get the feeling your mother has been making some requests of you that are more than you want to do. It can be time consuming dealing with an older parent. I wondered why you scoffed at your brother, who is putting up with it all the time. It would seem you would have some empathy, instead. Receiving free rent and board for watching after an elder is very little pay. Many people who are 88 need someone living with them to help with chores, shopping, and appointments. If your brother is doing things, maybe he needs a big thank you. I don't know what he does, so don't know if it is what you need to do.
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My mother exhibits all of these signs. She has "mild" dementia. I think it is more severe. Husband and I moved her in with us about 18 months ago as her general health seemed to be declining. She is a selfish person. My husband underwent serious open colon surgery about 2 weeks ago. Mom is jealous of my time taking care of him. Keeps telling us she is leaving, but can no longer drive. She does not want to spend money on an alternative place to live. She makes my life a living h*ll. I am so depressed and tired and don't know how long I can carry on. I pray for strength for all of you and myself.
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She has been "threatening" to leave since day 1 in our home. I have rheumatoid arthritis and the stress of this all is getting to me. My two siblings are not involved at all. My dad passed away in 2009. Thanks for the "ear." I have been reading this site for months but have not written. God bless!!!
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I would be more concerned about your brother. My mother is 86 and lives in my house since she has no where else to go and can't afford assisted living. She refuses most outside help for herself and expects me to do everything and does not recognize any of this as being a burden to me. It is not easy living with an older parent, especially one that tries to control you. I don't believe these situations are healthy. I would talk to your brother and see how he feels about the situation.
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I have the 91 yr. old version living in a grannie cottage on our property. As I talk to more of my friends the theme seems to be the same for this age group for the most part. The world revolves around them and always has. Now that my sister and I are not being played by the "old girl" we are comparing notes and it has been interesting. Do not take anything at face value when dealing with a Narcissist !

I have always been the family fixer. I take over the problems and solve them no matter what cost to myself. This always made me feel needed until I realized what I was "really" doing. I do believe the label is called enabling. Since finding this website I have been able to put a stop to that for myself. I no longer step in to solve everyone's problems, but will offer advice on how I might handle it only if asked. Otherwise, I bite my tongue and remind myself I have my mother with Dementia, Parkinson's, Stroke, Incontinent, with a Narcissistic personality to deal with and that is enough! In fact this has caused a rift between my son and his so called girlfriend when I refused to keep her 2 children anymore for weekends (not my grandchildren but sweet kids). Even though I explained how my mother was up at all hours of the night or day calling and needing whatever was on her mind at the time, so I was exhausted most of the time. My son declaired that he was going to take a break from talking or visiting. I don't know what he is taking a break from since he has never offered help. I do believe I have raised another narcissist. He has had some rough times but at 31 I do expect him to taking responsibility for his actions and stop blaming others for HIS choices. Since it was his choice to take a break I will honor it and keep my distance even though it is like a blade straight to the heart. I do have to admit it is a relief to know that call is not coming on Thursdays about dropping off or asking for something else. It just leaves me with the 91 yr. old toddler to deal with which is my choice so my burden. I take full responsibilities of my choices! My Dad taught me that! I learned my enabling from him, but I also learned self reliance and responsibility.

My advice is similar to others. If the situation is working for your mother and brother then leave well enough alone unless you know there is abuse of some sort. Be warned that stepping in will require you stepping up which may not be what you really want in the reality of things. Think things through and know that not all the facts may be at your fingertips. Approach with caution!
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