Does anyone deal with a parent who lives in your home who is rude and mean to company/visitors?

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How do you handle a misbehaving parent? My Mom has ALZ and lives with us whenever we have company in she refuses to look at them or answer any question that is asked. We just had company in for a week and she got to the point where she would not even look at me, I had to bend down to see her face. I know she was upset because they were here and now that they are gone she is attempting to be pleasant but I'm mad at her. How can she say 'oh your company is gone' when she refused to acknowledge them? I already feel as though I have no life because of her so I'm not about to stop having company visit us but it really bothers me the way she treats them so badly. Naturally the visitors understand her condition but they tire of the treatment as well....then it's the 'poor you doing all this for her - you have no time for yourself..etc..etc' attitude which I hate.

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You never really know with the alz why they are acting they way they are. I don't think she meant to be mean, maybe she has just gotten a phobia about people. Her home is her sanctuary and now it is being invaded, I don't know. Very difficult. Sorry you have to put up with her behavior.
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I was so verbally abused- as was my family- and I kept thinking one more day, I can do this. I had zero life- and in the back of my mind I thought I could rationalize with my father during his rational moments and some miracle would occur. Finally I changed approach - dad. would you be happier with people your own age? He said YES. I found a very nice assisted living place with an Alzheimer's wing. Great thing about it is he could play bingo, watch tv in his own room, go outside in the courtyard, etc. Worked for me. In hindsight- my only regret was not doing it sooner. We visited everyday, we brought him home for family functions, took him to lunch- and he felt as if he lived in a nice apartment. Just a thought.
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dle1182: I find your response harsh to the caregiver that posted here looking for help. Annonymous: there are a few tips in this comment that might be useful, but please, ignore the snarky ones and don't take them to heart. I know that when someone is so frustrated that they find themselves reaching out to strangers on a public forum for help, they are usually at their wits end. They need guidance and compassion - not attitude. This occurs on every forum, so take it with a grain of salt.

As to your question...my LO does the same thing, but worse...he makes racially and socially offense comments in order to piss the family/visitors off enough that they will leave. What I did...was pull each one aside and explain to them that he WILL say something so offensive at some point that you will be shocked. Know it. Expect it. Ignore it. It seems to have given the family some sort of feeling of impowerment and it's been working great. I give him a short verbal 'correction' (Weewee, you can't say that. It is inappropriate.); do not reply to any response he gives and then divert him with a question about food or tv.

withdrawing from social interactions is normal with dementia - even at the earlier stages.
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I sort of hope she isn't still reading. You can love someone very much and still bitterly resent the complete mess he or she has made of your life. It can be very hard to keep perspective when you're in the middle of it - better to vent spleen here than do it to the person's face.
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Tough love?? I don't hear any love here. How would you feel, and how would you react, if someone insisted you have a shower when you did not want to have one? I think I would do more than kick a bathmat!

Demboots, where are you? Have you decided to abandon this site because you no longer read the words that you feel you deserve to hear, words that support your unrealistic expectations of the behaviour of a person with a neurogenerative disease? Do you want us to actually support those unrealistic expectations? I think (again, MY opinion) that your mother would probably be better off in a nursing home. At least there she would have a fighting chance of getting care from those who do not resent her very existence.
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When I first came across "How do you deal with a misbehaving parent?" in my inbox, a smile came across my face because it brought back some memories for me. When I clicked to get the expanded question: "My mom has ALZ ...." , that smile quickly dropped. I thought this person doesn't understand the situation she's in. Then she mentioned about hating the pity attitude people give. This should be someone with a strong, solid backbone. Right? Boy, was I sure wrong.

We as caregivers are all experiencing the same emotions & feelings but how we differ is the fine details & at what point we are at in our own lives. It's like the stages of grief. We are all grieving. We all put our lives on hold but the world keeps on moving around us. Because of this, the direction of our lives are altered. This doesn't make one person more special than the next. Also, we are losing a loved one. It is a loss. It hurts. It needs to be dealt with. There is the denial, the guilt, the anger and until we can understand and accept the situation we are now in at present, we will be forever lost. It's a process one has to work through. Anger is a very powerful emotion & until one faces reality, it will cripple you & the person one is caring for.

People, please don't come in after my earlier response & mistake my tone for harshness & rudeness. Well, the first graph, yes, but I was trying to make a point. The rest, you can't please everyone with delicate sensibilities in this world. Why try?

See, we are all unique individuals. It is illustrated how we approach these boards. There are people who choose to answer a question by actually not answering at all. One instead essentially shares the same situation they're in. It leaves (at least this reader) the comfort that one is not alone. There are others who choose to answer by further insight. By the time I answered, there were already enough good insight about dealing with ALZ. I wanted to talk about the disease itself. That is really the issue. I also did not want to respond in such that I am enabling someone to continue to wallow in self-pity. I just wanted to offer insight into the disease because it is a losing battle but accepting it doesn't have to be. I admit, I started my answer with "Really?" because I wanted to evoke a certain response. I wanted to fire Demboots up. That is how one's true nature comes out. Again, that is how one's true nature comes out. She showed her true colors. Does one want to be receptive to information & insight & face it head on or shallow, enabled & stunted. I wanted to explain the disease process because for me, knowledge helps with understanding & that leads to acceptance of why things are why they are & why they can't be changed. That is where the power lies. It helped me to move on. Sure, I vent. I just choose to divulge to those who directly impact my life. If this makes for a superior attitude, then I say to that person, get out of your comfort zone. Don't agree to just agree. Challenge yourself. You may learn something. Don't enable someone to be emotionally stunted. That is a disservice to mankind. A thinking person or someone who truly wants help will be receptive to all information, process it and make it work for the reality they are in. If one listens but doesn't hear, one can't move one. Especially to someone who comes across as self-centered.

What do people truly want as a response to a question? Read all the responses by Demboots. She is trying to evoke as she says "tough love" to someone who is essentially mentally inferior to her now. It's unrealistic & cruel. This is not the coming of the minds of two equal adults. Like I said in my earlier post, one has a neurodegenerative disease. Big difference.

Demboots, I hope you are not bullying your mother with ALZ. There is so much anger & resentment in your words & mindset when you are challenged. It has to go somewhere & it is usually directed to the source. You should take advice from someone who has way more experience than you do or just as the casual observer. Lose the "I, I, I, me, me, me attitude." Stop your whining. You come across as senseless & you sound like your heart isn't in it to be a caregiver because with all you say you've researched, you would know caregiving is about giving of one's self. It is a selfless act. You shouldn't expect to be always rewarded for every good deed you do. Your reward should be knowing you made a difference in someone who needed your help. You made the decision to care for your mother. If you are so unhappy, get out now. It will benefit both of you in the long run. Things are going to get a lot more challenging. Believe me.
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Demboots, the main thing, if you can remember, and as others have said, most of the behavior you mention cannot be helped by your loved one. I think once I accepted that it helped me work my way through the frustration...I KNOW my Mama would never have exhibited negativity prior to her dementia/ALZ but she simply cannot help what this disease has done to her....For a long time I think I just didn't want to accept that and so I was angry..now that I understand, I feel bad that I ever got impatient with her now... (hugs)
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When I first read Demboots response:"Apparently this is not a supportive site so I'll just say some of the comments are so rude..." my first response was "Did what I say cause her to think that this site is not supportive?" So much so that I wrote a personal message to say if I had done so I was sorry, it was not my intention. (I got no response!)

The next day I reread her message and felt only anger. Demboots accused some of us of being rude and harsh. Does she not think that HER response was also rude and harsh? Like so many of us do, I took precious time out of my very scarce "me time" to respond a fellow caregiver--NOT to be rude or harsh but to provide information that has helped me in the past.

Demboots, you are not the only one who has gone through what you tell us you have gone through to support your mother. Many of us have been doing it for a lot longer than you. Many of us have also given up lucrative employment (in my case it was also a $150,000 basic salary in a very prestigious career). Some us have made the choice to stay at home to be the caregiver. Some of us have had that choice thrust upon us. None of us really WANT to be caregivers. We would prefer our loved ones to die in their beds aged 100, smiling sweetly all the time (!) but it is not going to happen.

Yes, I agree that your situation is unique to you. I cannot understand it. But I know what MY situation is like and I know what helped me in other similar situations--help which I will gladly share with anyone. (And I will tell you that the book I suggested, out of the MANY books and articles that I have read, DID make a difference to my mindset and attitude.) Readers can make another choice about given advice or suggestions--take it or leave it. Let me assure you, being a member of this forum for a number of years and having read much advice, some good, some not so good, but also from some very wise caregivers, I truly believe that everyone who responds does so out of compassion and a desire to help--not be "rude and harsh". I did not waken up last week and think "I must be harsh and rude to someone on the Aging Forum today". I don't think that any of us do so.

And Demboots, if and when you read this, please be aware that I have, once again, taken up some of my precious "me time" in an attempt to comfort you with the assurance that we are not all "out to get you". I hope you believe me and continue to visit this site to vent, to moan and groan, even to record your victories (there WILL be some)-- and maybe even give some of us the benefit of your wide experience and what worked for you. (For example did "the time spent in ALZ glasses" make any difference to how you understood dementia? What did you find out about the medications you researched? What have you done to improve your health? Is it working? (Poor health is common problem for many of us). These are things that some of us, at least, want to know.)

To get back to your original question: I wish I knew what to suggest. I don't have that problem. I wish my husband COULD be rude to visitors except (a) we don't get visitors anymore (and we have no family at all in Canada) and (b) slowly, but surely his voice is disappearing altogether. For someone whose career depended on his voice--he taught languages at university for more than 40 years--this is a double blow for both of us.

What helps me is "Those who care, don't care."
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I certainly understand the absolute frustration you must be feeling in all of this. I have gone through so many highs and lows through the progression of Mama's ALZ/D that at times I was certain I was going to lose my mind. I was brokenhearted for a long time, then I felt angry, then a lot of resentment, then broken hearted, and around and around it goes....

Mama has always been a very loving and caring woman and she now lives somewhat in a little world all her own. As another poster commented, the Mama I knew is forever gone and I think it has taken me a lot of years to accept that. We don't get a lot of visitors, for which I am finally thankful, at first it made me angry, but I also noticed that Mama did not like most of our visitors, even though she was one of those who always opened our home to everyone freely...you could walk in here and immediately she would make you feel that you were part of our family. now she does not become vocally rowdy, other than an occasional ugly word (which she has never done in her life) and people who hear her do that think it is so "cute" or funny...it is just hurtful to me because this is not who she is.

I had invited a cousin to stay a few days with us this past weekend plus a couple of days and this is a cousin whom my Mama has always loved very much. I was amazed at how quickly she became weary of her. (I guess I did too to be honest because she was a handful) but Mama actually stopped eating (she has nothing but ensure now but that is her eating) but just flat out refused to eat....two days in a row, no matter how hard I tried...I offered it but she refused and I have learned to just offer it and let it be....(Mama is also totally bedfast to the point that she cannot lift her arms or assist me in any way)....anywhoooo, I finally knew I needed to get my cousin home, so even though she hinted to stay another day or so, I quickly began gathering her things and took her home while Mama was napping...

Sure enough, when I got home, and Mama knew it was just me and her, she began to drink her ensure again....I guess I somewhat wish Mama would yell at someone...I miss her voice so much...

So while I can't identify with your particular exact situation, I do understand the total frustration you may be feeling...and I hope it helps to know that sadly, your loved one truly can't help it...I have had to realize that, otherwise I don't think I would have ever come to terms with such a severe change in her personality...I know it doesn't help much...but hopefully it's something....

And the rudeness issue...I do understand that too....when I have had particularly trying times or periods of time, some of our advice or comments may come across as rude or harsh or bossy...I hope I have not made you feel that way...Truly none of us can totally feel your pain because each of our situations, though very similar in many ways, can be so widely varying it is incomprehensible...I hope you will stay...there are a lot of sweet wonderful folks on here....I think all of us care...we are all just different in how we try to show it.... :)
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i also felt a certain comment was a bit harsh. That said... my dad takes the heck over when we have company.. I would almost rather he be quiet and hissy! I have some girlfriends who have been down this road, so they know the drill. Dad just talks and talks.. we can not really have a conversation. Oh yes, and he becomes 21 and a "tough guy" again.. all about how he is gonna "bang" those punks, etc... My father was the nicest man ever, never fought or got into trouble.... You would never know it from his showboating in frount of my girlfriends...LOL... so I guess it could always be worse!!
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