Upcoming weekend and how to deal?

Is dad like this with Stepmom?

I'd get dad to a geriatric psychiatrist for meds that will calm him down.

Hey Kimber - you are an angel for doing this for your stepmom. I'm sure you are making a big difference in her ability to cope and to keep on keeping on - and for people taking on the enormous task of caring for a loved one at home it seems support and participation from others close to the situation makes an intolerable situation tolerable. But sheez - what a nightmare for you. My situation is very different but the outcome was the same - me getting physically ill at the prospect of spending any time with my mother. Two things have made all the difference. For me - a rx for an anti anxiety med that I'd take prior to any visit. Next was taking mom to a geriatric psychiatrist. The psyc did a complete medication overhaul and got my mom on some "mood medications" - that's my reference. It took about a month for moms meds to adjust and kick in but they have made all the difference in the world.

Oh my gosh! Can you imagine what your stepmom must go through? I guess you can, and that's why you are trying to endure this. Gold stars to you!

Is there something special you can do with your dad, so he has something to look forward to with your visits? Is he wheel-chair bound? Can you take him places in a car? What is his level of mobility? If you can get him out, how about some local sporting event, or a trip to the library, or ice cream parlor, or garden center, or antique store ... anything that interests him.

Does he love delivered pizza but stepmom doesn't order it much? That could a monthly treat when you are there.

Does he like being read to? My husband did.

Anything you can think of that might be special to the two of you might help reduce the negativity. Might. Maybe.

Maybe a slight change in your approach would help -- you if not your dad. "Dad, I'm not going to be available for the next 40 minutes. Let's think of anything you might need now." Then go down a mental checklist. Water? Coffee? Newspaper handy? Crossword puzzle book? etc. Then put on your headset and listen to music as you prepare dinner. Ignore him until dinner is ready. You don't mention that he has cognitive issues. so I assume he is capable of understanding consequences. You'd have to be very consistent in ignoring him every single meal though. Think you could do that?

Or ... "Dad, since I never seem to get time to cook a full meal here, we'll only have sandwiches from now on. We can sit on the deck and have a little picnic."

As to how to psych yourself up, keep thinking of you stepmom. My son takes care of a lot of maintenance tasks for me, but he likes to whine about some of them. "I hate all this artsy fartsy crap you want me to hang up for you..." And I always acknowledge that and don't try to convince him he shouldn't hate it. I say, "Yes. But you do love your mother. So please try to get this done by the end of the day." Maybe that is the kind of peptalk you need to give yourself. "I hate these weekends." "Yes. But you love your stepmom. Get on with it as best you can."

I have nothing but admiration for your efforts! I hope you can get the situation to be a little less disagreeable.

I had a good weekend with my dad. It started out very rocky on Friday night - I could tell he was in an ugly mood and my stepmom was just shaking. We had dinner and went to bed.

The next morning his yelling at her started at 5:30 and went on until she left at 7:30. My dad manages his own prescriptions - he won't let my stepmom put his pills by day for him. He discovered he is out of two prescriptions and insisted my stepmom cancel her trip so she could spend the day calling the doctor, getting a 7 day supply to cover before the mail delivery could arrive. Bless my stepmom - she said "you don't let me manage this for you, so I'm not today. We'll take care of Monday" and of course he was yelling that he would die, etc. and she said "not my problem - you manage your prescriptions". Anyway - she left 7:30, or I should say "fled".

Meanwhile - I used my phone to tape about 15 minutes of this. After she left, my dad started hollering at me, because I come - she is able to leave. I said nothing but started to replay his ranting back. He stopped "what's that". And I said "if you don't stop hollering and start treating me with respect, I'm going to call 911 and say I don't feel safe, and they will take you away"

"They will not!" and I said - yes they will when I play this for them.

"Then my wife will have to cancel her weekend and come home - go ahead!" and I said "no, step mom and I have an agreement - her phone is turned off, and the hotel has instructions NOT to interrupt her for ANY reason. You will spend the weekend in the hospital until the doctor can see you on Monday and regulate your medications - because you are out of control. You decide"

So he started yelling at me. I walked over, picked up the phone and was so ready to dial!!!!! As soon as heard dial tone and realized I meant business - he said "no, don't call!"

So I sat him down and said - no yelling, no throwing things, no swearing, eat what I make, let me sleep at night. Any stunts and I was going to make the call.

He pouted for an hour. We played cards. I made lunch. He was able to get into my car and I drove him around the country - which he loved, he hasn't done this for a long time. He sat outside with me and we enjoyed the sunshine.

Yesterday we watched some movies and played cards. And my stepmom came home. My dad was asleep and I told her what I had done. She laughed so hard that I thought she was going to choke.

She texted me last night that he was yelling at her about the prescriptions and her weekend. She is tempted to try my approach. It will only work if she follows through though.

We ended up having a pleasant time.
Thank you for all of the suggestions!

If your father is under neurological care, his behavior and personality and emotional issues sounds related to frontal lobe dementia. The neurologist may be willing to offer a mild sedative for his care so his behavior is moderate rather than extreme, for your step mom, other caretakers, and for you. I recommend you tape record these sessions while caring for your Dad, so the neurologist has the advantage of hearing what is taking place in the home. His behavior in a doctor's office could be that of an angel. The doctor needs to know the reality. Good luck!

Your dad is acting like a 4 year old. Maybe treat him like a 4 year old. If you know that he's going to try to interrupt your making dinner with his requests don't ask him if he needs anything right before you start making dinner. Or make sure he has water, his remote, has been toileted, or whatever else he insists he needs while you are making dinner. Unless he's asking for a fire extinguisher while you are making dinner he can wait until you can get to him. He doesn't need to be waiting on hand and foot.

My dad was very hard of hearing so I learned very quickly to get him headphones for his TV. I bought them at Radio Shack and they had a long cord. It worked out perfectly. My dad could have the TV on and I wasn't disturbed by the loud noise. Maybe headphones would work for your dad and his TV.

You're a great stepdaughter and daughter. I understand how you can begin dreading the weekend. I would too. Something like Valium or Xanax may help you but it may just make you tired which would make your weekend even worse but I think it's worth a try.

Has anyone ever told your dad that he's behaving like an @#s? Throwing things at you while you're trying to sleep? Really!? That's just awful. I need some Xanax just reading about it. I'm so sorry you have to go through this even if it is once a month.

Yes, in the past, mom would just leave and do what she wanted and deal with his screaming at her and my step mom would do the same, but since his stroke he needs someone 24x7. We have told him he's acting like a jerk, he's on meds, but he feels that he is "right" and quotes the Bible - wives need to obey & apparently in his mind that means they can never leave for a break. I will try the anxiety RX I think :).

I'm trying to picture in my mind - my remaining calm when he pulls stuff. I step outside, I ignore him as long as I can, I put on headphones and blast music, I knit, I look at the clock....

In March he threw the dinner I made on the floor, so I left it there and didn't clean up and didn't make him anything else. He yelled and shouted and I sat outside. I left it there for the whole weekend until step mom got back. He refused to clean it up so she refused to host guys for cards until he did. It sat there for a week, on the floor, broken dish until he finally cleaned it up. This man is stubborn. He can clean because he cleans up his incontinence accidents.

My stepmom decides which battles she wants to fight and gives in on everything else. She has 8 grandchildren and misses seeing their games, plays, going to their houses for dinner. It is really her I feel sorry for - so I keep doing this.

He doesn't yet qualify for nursing home care. It is too bad there isn't some place to put someone who is emotionally abusive

And your a very good STEP-daughter; not something that's seems to be all that common when family situations get complicated!

Thank you all!! My step mom is a wonderful woman. My whole step family is lovely. My step mom has never judged, only gives wonderful advice WHEN ASKED, is encouraging, and very level headed. I'm lucky she is in my family. My mom was off having a second childhood for many years and my step mom was more motherly (without ever taking my mom's place) when I really needed it. I can't say enough good things about her.

Very good! I'm betting he will probably put you to the test again next month but you've got this. I'm ridiculously please for you! Guess I count this as a win for "our side".