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To make a very long story short, my daughter does not have a good relationship with her grandfather. It has gotten worse since she is an adult now. She does not call him at all and does not want to be around him. I have tried to get her to open up to me about it but all she will say is that he is not a very nice person. If you are familar with my story, you know that my dad and I have not had a good relationship either. He is now in a facility and she has said that when she comes home, she will not visit him. My fear is that she may regret not visiting him if something happens to him. He has asked why she will not talk to him and I have told him it is because of his attitude and how he has been towards us at times.

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I did not see nor speak to my MIL for the last 4 years of her life.

When she died, I did go to the viewing ad funeral. I looed at her, in her casket and thought "she looks really pi$$ed off" which, inappropriately, made me giggle and I had to leave for a minute. The saying "If you don't quit making that face your face will freeze like that".

Well, it's true.

I felt absolutely nothing when I looked at her. I felt nothing but relief when she died. That doesn't make me bad person and I have zero regrets about holding tight to the boundaries I had to set 4 years ago.

She was extremely abusive to me. And less so, but still--abusive to my kids.

Your daughter is an adult. My guess is, something happened between them that she can't deal with or has been told to NOT deal with it. This is the way she is choosing to handle it.

I can attest to the fact that she will very possibly not feel anything when he dies.

This bothers you more than it does her-just let it go.
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If the reason is as I suspect, she won’t regret cutting him out of her life.
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It sounds like your daughter has excellent boundaries.
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KNance72 Jun 2024
Agreed
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Hi Faithful - I actually give you daughter TONS of credit for knowing her own mind - and not accepting anyone treating her badly ....remaining strong - and not going thru the motion or forcing herself to see her grandfather when he's been unkind to her. It's good that she remains true to herself and she knows her self-worth. I would say that's empowering.
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It sounds like your daughter has suffered great abuse from your father, and she should not be made to feel guilty for not wanting to visit or see him.
I'm guessing that it's best for her mental health to stay away.
Please respect her decision. Just because you have chosen to have somewhat of a relationship with your father, doesn't mean that your daughter has to.
Trust me on this one. I am one who has been there done that(although it was with my mother and father), and I can honestly say I have absolutely no regrets.
We all have to do what we have to to protect ourselves.
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Your daughter is an adult and can decide what she wants to do. Leave it alone. Some things cannot be fixed.
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Your question was how to handle the situation.

You don't.

There is no situation for you to handle.
Your daughter doesn't want anything to do with your father. That is completely separate from your relationship with either of them.

The only thing you need to do is let your daughter know that you're there if she ever wants to talk about how she feels. And if you do that, you mustn't make excuses for your dad's behaviour. Your daughter is allowed to feel how she does and to make decisions for her own wellbeing, even if they aren't the decisions that you would make.
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OP are you quite quite sure that there is no old sexual abuse in the background? You say that there is a ‘long story’, but this would certainly account for some clear (and hard hearted) actions by your daughter. Perhaps she will “regret not visiting him if something happens to him”, but that’s down to her. If F asks “why she will not talk to him”, the simplest answer is “I don’t know”, not to make a guess that you then have to justify.
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funkygrandma59 Jun 2024
That was my first thought as well Margaret. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse myself by my father, that was what was kind of jumping out at me with the OP's daughter not wanting to be around her perhaps dirty old grandfather.
If that is the case, who can blame her? Certainly not me.
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In general, expectations ( that society demands ) that we stay in touch because “ they are family “, along with the fear that there will be regrets …………..is the very reason some people stay in ( caregiving and other ) positions they should not be in .

I’m glad my adult children know how to make boundaries . Perhaps they learned by my mistakes , or they learned when they saw their mother finally learn to make boundaries .

My children do not see my mother in law because she interrogates them about their lives as if she is entitled to details and she badgers them for great grand children . They both got fed up . They call her twice a year that’s it . They no longer will drive the 3 hours one way to spend a whole afternoon face to face .
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faithfulbeauty Jun 2024
@waytomisery,
He also interrogates her which is why when she has come home in the past, she avoids him.
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Accept your daughter’s answer and don’t discuss it or make excuses to your father. This is not something you want to mess up your relationship with your daughter over
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faithfulbeauty Jun 2024
@Daughter1930, No.. I will not mess up my relationship with her.
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