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My father was recently hospitalized for a UTI. My brother is bothering the people who are trying to care for my father in the hospital and the staff in the memory care facility where Dad has lived for the past several months. They have made me aware that he is asking for extensive information, disrupting their ability to care for the other residents/patients. He hasn't visited my father in months, but somehow feels he needs to jump in now and be demanding. I am concerned about negative backlash. People like my father; they do not like my brother. I have the decision making authority for my father. My brother does not like me. He will criticize but not help. What can I do? Should I do anything?

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If this has been mentioned to you by staff then tell your brother. Tell him that the hospital and MC staff have mentioned that he is making it hard for them to do their jobs. Remind him that Dad is not the only resident they have care for.

Does decision making authority mean you have POA? If so, tell him that if he does not settle down then you will have the facility ban him for disruption. I would tell the administrator you give them the authority to ban him. This is not fair to Dad, staff or other residents. You say he hates you so you are not losing anything. Don't do this unless someone is close by.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Can you turn it around a bit, perhaps ask the Director of Nursing or another authority figure at the MC what they find is helpful to have happen when there is an annoying, belligerent relative? I would assume this has happened before there and the MC might have some insights about the best course of action.

To me, it seems like your father's care is more important than trying to make belligerent sibling less belligerent, if that were even possible.
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Reply to SnoopyLove
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Can you send an email that updates everyone and request that the facility and hospital be left alone, as the care of patients is 1st and foremost and multiple calls makes it harder for them to provide the care we all desire for dad, as well as every other patient in the unit. Make it broad to all that love dad and are concerned about how he is doing. If that doesn't stop it, you as POA can deny brother information, that would allow the facility to act to stop him. If he gets ugly they are protected by laws that are serious about threats and intimidation of health care workers.

Just what you need right now, right?

I hope you find a solution.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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I feel now is the time to deliver(to the facility) a large box of fresh donuts and a long letter praising the staff for their compassionate care. Briefly mention/apologize(?) for your brother's disruptive behavior. We can only control our own behavior.
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Reply to Compassionate5
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Frustrating as it is, and a waste of time though it might feel, I would handle this by sending Bro a summary of the recent medical history and concluding with "if there is anything else you would like to know, please feel free to ask." The chances are that you'll get nothing but tumbleweeds in response, but at least you've tried.

The thing is, you kind of can't have it both ways. You can't be down on him for not showing any interest in your father in months, AND at the same time blame him for demanding information now - almost certainly because he's only too aware he's neglected his father and is trying to make up for it, a bit like realising you've let your plants dry out and then overwatering them (which any gardener will tell you is the worst thing you can do).

But, so, what do you want him to do? Suddenly turn into Mr Nice and just ask sensible respectful questions at a time that's convenient to everyone else? Wouldn't that be plain out of character?

As for the staff - you are not responsible for your brother's manners, and frankly this is their problem. Either your brother is entitled to information, in which case they should share it properly; or he isn't, in which case they shouldn't be telling him anything except the rules of patient confidentiality. Don't apologise for him, not ever! Sympathise, sure - say "oh dear, did he? Tut tut" - but do not apologise and do not undertake to do anything about it. Not Your Problem.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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They are giving information because he is on the HIPAA list?
At the hospital and facility? If so, have his name removed immediately.

Speak to the HEAD nurse at the hospital and the Executive Director at the facility. Briefly explain.

Write your brother a letter/email telling him to please stop (so that perhaps he might listen, since it sounds like he doesn't respect you or your authority). No blaming or shaming, just telling him it's disrupting his care and everyone is finding it unnecessary. Remind him that YOU were chosen by your dad...etc etc.

All the best!
Be graceful
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Reply to Savitaa
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worriedinCali Feb 14, 2019
The OP can’t just do that. Their dad unless incompetent and brother has POA (he hasn’t said he does), can put whoever he wants on the HIPAA list.
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Invisible I have an "energy sucker" list! My sister is first on the list. Trust me the people who care for your father know who is really helping and who is a nuisance. If you want to share and vent with me please do so.
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Reply to Wuvsbears
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 12, 2019
I’ve got an energy sucker list too! So many of us in the same boat, huh? All of the ‘energy suckers’ need to be thrown in the same quarantined room, don’t you think? Would be nice if they left us alone if all they choose to do is stir the pot instead of truly helping. That kind of help, none of us need. They can’t see how they make things more difficult for others.
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As you have decision making authority and the staff is expressing their annoyance with brothers overkill intrusion, you’ll just have to push your mental delete button and ask the people caring for your dad to do the same. Any attention given the brother will just encourage him to keep it up. Sorry you’re dealing with this, ignoring is hard but needed
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Invisible Feb 14, 2019
So far that is working. I have not heard of any more problems. Fortunately he does not visit and does not follow through.
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They should have the right to ban him from the facility as he is making it even more difficult for your father.
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Reply to Chemoangel1967
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Invisible Feb 14, 2019
They do. Read their published material last night and they can escort out anyone who yells, swears, insults and a whole bunch of other things.
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The hospital Staff who will Laugh, Will need to tell your bro where it is At on their own Premises. You on the other hand, With your Authority, Let him know where it is AT. Just another huge responsibility of Handling Someone, hun, Who is all Talk and never will be Real Action when you would Need them the Most.
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Reply to Parise
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