How can I guarantee the safety of my mother (85) when she is allowing emotional abuse by a family member to keep occurring?

Follow
Share

My sister lived with mom for not quite a year, moved out and I found out that she punched holes in walls and doors and was yelling at mom throughout her time there. She moved out, and mom is taking her back in (because my sister at 51"claims" she can't afford to live on her own) with my sister's children, ages 18, 17 (who is a juvenile delinquent with anger issues) 13 and 10. It is a 5 room house. I just recently found out that there was a domestic disturbance report with my moms and 17 yr old nephew at her house a few months back. I know that she cannot keep living like this! I don't know what to do because she is upset with me because I told her she lied to protect my sister and her children (but she did, and there is proof). I'm worried for her....My sister refuses to talk to me and has even threatened me on various occasions...

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
18

Answers

Show:
In IL, not sure we have it ... it does go through some department as I've called them once before. Will be making that call tomorrow. Thank you everyone. I truly appreciate all the input!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Get your mom away from that family, now! Call Adult Protective Services. Have your mom come live with you until your family is required by law to stay away from you and her.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

People's behavior is such a shame. My Mother use to be very strong minded, well since she has come down with Alzheimer's she if very dependent on her daughters. She will do anything to avoid an argument or if she thinks someone is mad at her she will do anything to make sure they are not upset.

My sister found this out through something that I had said, Luckily Mom lives with me and my family. An issue came up last year and my sister laughed and made the comment that she would just yell at mom and mom would back down. I could not believe what I had heard. I would never treat my mom like that. I'm also very lucky for the kind husband that I have he treats mom like gold. I don't even trust my sister to let mom go to her house for a visit, not that my sister cares, she can't even give up a week to visit mom and tells me all the time that she could care less if she see's mom.

I have no idea where this comes from, I had always thought my whole life until the last 3 years that we had a close family and that if anything would happen we would all be there for each other but I have found quite the opposite. We lost my father back in 2005 and its just now me and mom, my sister and niece just see it as an opportunity to sit back and wait for an inheritance. I just don't understand people like this
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Contact your County's Juvenile Court and ask what their age limit is for jurisdiction. It might be that a 17 year old could still be subject to jurisdiction. You could also ask that question of the police.

If the JC has jurisdiction, you could anonymously refer the nephew to the Juvenile Court, as could the police. A caseworker would be assigned after the intake process, and it's even possible that he could be removed from the home and placed in something like we have in Michigan - Children's Village - until he reaches the age of majority, if he's determined to be a threat to your mother's welfare and safety.

Someone would have to pay charges for his "care" though, unless your mother is indigent. I don't recall how charges are paid under that circumstance.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

You mention Dept of Aging several times, but you might actually need Adult Protective Services if the situation continues to escalate. And maybe a lawyer. You would have to tell them everything you have shared here, and present the evidence that mom is covering up and/or not being allowed to tell what is really going on. If mom is competent and chooses to live like this, maybe the best you can do is make sure she has ways to call for help, which she does at the moment. Maybe you can go through a third party and get a routine going where you have regular conversations or visits with mom to reassure you she is OK; it could be in your sister's interest to do that if it reduces tension and keeps you from feeling you have to make reports and call in outside parties. this is a difficult situation with no easy answer, and your mom is blessed to have someone trying to look out for her nevertheless.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I said it was a tiny silver lining. But I suspect it's because she worries about her daughter and grandchildren and as a mother somehow still feels responsible for the person her daughter has become. Mothers aren't always logical.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I agree to some point, but why allow someone to continue to live with you and keep allowing to be emotionally/verbally abused?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

One tiny silver lining is that your mom did take action by calling the police on nephew. So she knows who to call and isn't afraid to do it.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I received the police report and found out that it was the 3rd time they were called out there for domestic disturbance!! This one was between my nephew and my mom and mom was the one to call the police. Supposedly there was no physical violence, but it had to be bad for her to call ... Thank you for your ideas. I'm going to call elder services in my state and report what I found out and see what happens.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Sounds like you are on top of things. You need to be in gathering info mode. I also have voice mails, emails, texts, copies of his upcoming destruction case (who knew you can find that on line...for free, at least here in mass.), basically the works. I am in the process of contacting civil rights as I believe her Hipaa rights were violated as her where abouts were just released. He found out where she is and begun visiting her as soon as he got out of jail (separate issue, but anger related) last week, agitating her, and asking for money.

It is a long ongoing battle. But kudos to you for stepping up to it. Push your elder services, once they get involved they can be unbelievably helpful.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions