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My sister lived with mom for not quite a year, moved out and I found out that she punched holes in walls and doors and was yelling at mom throughout her time there. She moved out, and mom is taking her back in (because my sister at 51"claims" she can't afford to live on her own) with my sister's children, ages 18, 17 (who is a juvenile delinquent with anger issues) 13 and 10. It is a 5 room house. I just recently found out that there was a domestic disturbance report with my moms and 17 yr old nephew at her house a few months back. I know that she cannot keep living like this! I don't know what to do because she is upset with me because I told her she lied to protect my sister and her children (but she did, and there is proof). I'm worried for her....My sister refuses to talk to me and has even threatened me on various occasions...

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In IL, not sure we have it ... it does go through some department as I've called them once before. Will be making that call tomorrow. Thank you everyone. I truly appreciate all the input!
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Get your mom away from that family, now! Call Adult Protective Services. Have your mom come live with you until your family is required by law to stay away from you and her.
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People's behavior is such a shame. My Mother use to be very strong minded, well since she has come down with Alzheimer's she if very dependent on her daughters. She will do anything to avoid an argument or if she thinks someone is mad at her she will do anything to make sure they are not upset.

My sister found this out through something that I had said, Luckily Mom lives with me and my family. An issue came up last year and my sister laughed and made the comment that she would just yell at mom and mom would back down. I could not believe what I had heard. I would never treat my mom like that. I'm also very lucky for the kind husband that I have he treats mom like gold. I don't even trust my sister to let mom go to her house for a visit, not that my sister cares, she can't even give up a week to visit mom and tells me all the time that she could care less if she see's mom.

I have no idea where this comes from, I had always thought my whole life until the last 3 years that we had a close family and that if anything would happen we would all be there for each other but I have found quite the opposite. We lost my father back in 2005 and its just now me and mom, my sister and niece just see it as an opportunity to sit back and wait for an inheritance. I just don't understand people like this
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Contact your County's Juvenile Court and ask what their age limit is for jurisdiction. It might be that a 17 year old could still be subject to jurisdiction. You could also ask that question of the police.

If the JC has jurisdiction, you could anonymously refer the nephew to the Juvenile Court, as could the police. A caseworker would be assigned after the intake process, and it's even possible that he could be removed from the home and placed in something like we have in Michigan - Children's Village - until he reaches the age of majority, if he's determined to be a threat to your mother's welfare and safety.

Someone would have to pay charges for his "care" though, unless your mother is indigent. I don't recall how charges are paid under that circumstance.
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You mention Dept of Aging several times, but you might actually need Adult Protective Services if the situation continues to escalate. And maybe a lawyer. You would have to tell them everything you have shared here, and present the evidence that mom is covering up and/or not being allowed to tell what is really going on. If mom is competent and chooses to live like this, maybe the best you can do is make sure she has ways to call for help, which she does at the moment. Maybe you can go through a third party and get a routine going where you have regular conversations or visits with mom to reassure you she is OK; it could be in your sister's interest to do that if it reduces tension and keeps you from feeling you have to make reports and call in outside parties. this is a difficult situation with no easy answer, and your mom is blessed to have someone trying to look out for her nevertheless.
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I said it was a tiny silver lining. But I suspect it's because she worries about her daughter and grandchildren and as a mother somehow still feels responsible for the person her daughter has become. Mothers aren't always logical.
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I agree to some point, but why allow someone to continue to live with you and keep allowing to be emotionally/verbally abused?
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One tiny silver lining is that your mom did take action by calling the police on nephew. So she knows who to call and isn't afraid to do it.
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I received the police report and found out that it was the 3rd time they were called out there for domestic disturbance!! This one was between my nephew and my mom and mom was the one to call the police. Supposedly there was no physical violence, but it had to be bad for her to call ... Thank you for your ideas. I'm going to call elder services in my state and report what I found out and see what happens.
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Sounds like you are on top of things. You need to be in gathering info mode. I also have voice mails, emails, texts, copies of his upcoming destruction case (who knew you can find that on line...for free, at least here in mass.), basically the works. I am in the process of contacting civil rights as I believe her Hipaa rights were violated as her where abouts were just released. He found out where she is and begun visiting her as soon as he got out of jail (separate issue, but anger related) last week, agitating her, and asking for money.

It is a long ongoing battle. But kudos to you for stepping up to it. Push your elder services, once they get involved they can be unbelievably helpful.
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I have saved voicemails and text messages from my sister and let her know that. I think that is why she will no longer talk to me either. I do plan on calling the state dept of aging and hope they send someone out again....plan on telling them about the incident report that is on police record. With all the physical and emotional abuse I endured from her growing up, I try to respect her and keep my promise to my dad when he died,that I would watch out for her.Thank you for the prayers! I think I will definitely be needing them. I did send in a Freedom of Information request re: the domestic disturbance incident and should be getting a copy of the report (even if the names are redacted, I am sure I could put together the scenario)...
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I have to say that it amazes me that so many people here share similar experiences to what I have gone through. I can tell you what happened in outlet situation.

57 year old brother, no job, three failed marriages. Moved in & out of mom's two room subsidized apartment. Exploited her financially, left her 40k in credit card debt, purchased a new truck in her name which he was having her pay for. Said payment was 1/3 of her monthly income.

She would call my other brother & I only when she was put of money as she hated us. She left my father (& the kids) when I wS 8. We would explain to her that she needed him removed from the home, should stop paying his bills (which also included child support), and that if she needed to appoint us in charge of her finances that we would do it as he would not come to us for money. She refused each time, calling us names, telling us that we a POS'. He would punch holes in the walls as well. I called elder services, repeatedly over the years. They did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! The e plainer that will my mother was not incompetent that she had the right to live in this manner, he rights include making bad decisions.

It wasn't until last winter in New England when we were socked with record snow fall that it all came to ahead. He busted up her apartment, the HUD housing FINALLY put him sorry ass out, finalmente!!!! He touch her vehicle and left the state. He left her indigent with no food, and no way to get any. By the time we found out she was on deaths door. I called elder services again, reported elder abuse and we were finally sent a social worker who was literally a god send. In no time we had a POA appointed, MDPOA, we had visiting nurses, services set up (all of which she through out) and we started getting her to the Dr.

We finally found out how bad off she was medically as it finally came to light that she had dementia and we also finally learned the extent of what he did to her financially, emotionally what he did to her may never be known, but we do know what it did to my other brother & I.

It is painfully sad to watch a situation like this but my advise to you would be to call elder affairs, do not take no for an answer, get the police involved, and document EVERYTHING!!!!! As you may someday need it! Please don't be surprised if your loved one gets angry with you. If you understand the cycle of abuse/abused people, you will know that their is a lot of shame, fear, and guilt that comes into play. Try not to take it personally and just push on knowing that standing up for what is right is a noble thing. Prayers, strength & love to you!!!!
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My sympathies to both of you. Make a list of all the outside resources you can think of, then start calling them. In my experience when protective services are called they must respond within a specific amount of time. Can you ask to be present during this evaluation? Make sure to state you have been threatened and if you filed any papers on it. Also, have you taken any photos of damages, etc secretly I guess? Are you able to obtain any reports about the other domestic issues in the house that you might need in the future? Four teen agers in the house would be a handful for anyone. Does your mother provide "financial " help for this family? Other than what might be free rent( just an assumption)? Can your mother afford an apartment? You might need to apologize to Mom for calling her a liar and do not do it with a "but you don't understand." A sincere apology . Then just wait. Stay away for awhile and let your next meeting be non confrontational. One never knows what might make her stop and reassess what type of environment she is now existing in. I agree this might be quite a codependent relationship . Your mom might feel she is needed at any cost . Maybe you can reflect back on her marriage, her husband, her own "prior" life and find some similarities.You sound like you are a busy person with priorities as well. Keep in touch.
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Yup ... except for me it is a younger sibling...there is only the two of us and I live about an hour away and have twin 10 yr olds that we adopted 4 yrs before my husband passed away (5 yrs ago) ... Plus being a college student, It's not easy for me to drive in. Plus if my sister is around, she won't answer the door or phone. I had to have the police in her town do a welfare check before since I couldn't get a hold of her for a week.

The only thing is I know that my mom has trouble seeing, reading, etc. In order to sign a check (that someone else needs to fill out), I had to point to where she had to start signing ... Its a sad situation
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I'm in the same boat here...my mother has now removed me from her life and the role of her caregiver because the older sibling kept taking abusive rants and threats at her, so she did it so the sibling would stop...there is not much you can do, sounds like a sick dysfunctional situation
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Oh dear, that is worrying. APS -adult protective services may do a visit. Tell them that your sister would not let your mother speak to the agency for aging. It sounds like a very codependent relationship between your mother and sister. Since your mother is competent she can chose to live like this and it may be very difficult to intervene unless/until something worse happens. In that case you can only keep an eye on things and try to bring in resources if, for example, your mother becomes ill and doesn't get proper treatment.
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I am so sorry. I think it will come to a head eventually and need intervention, but not until things get worse. Read around the threads. Some others are going though similar. (((((((Hugs))))))
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She still is capable of living alone, her only health issues are blood pressure and cholesterol. I had the police do a wellness check a couple of times when she would not answer the phone. Turned out my sister and her children were there and didn't want to upset them by talking to me. The pastor somewhat gave up due to the whole situation. I've called dept of aging but my sister did not let my mother speak when they were there... It's a screwed up situation!!
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You have good reason to be worried. I would contact some of the authorities - APS, Social Services and your local Agency for Aging and tell them about the situation and ask for advice. APS may make a visit to assess if the situation is dangerous for or even suitable for your mother. It sounds like your sister has severe anger issues too. The house is obviously overcrowded with 6 people in 5 rooms. You could also ask the police to make wellness checks. Is there anyone outside of the family like a pastor or priest that your mother would listen to?

Another question is - is she still capable of living alone in her house or is it time to look at other alternatives? At 85 she is getting up there. Does she have any major health issues?

It is great your mother has you and I wish you success in intervening for her welfare. Others may have other ideas.
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